


Reconstruction

by UberVenkman



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-The End of Evangelion, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 70,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23994370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UberVenkman/pseuds/UberVenkman
Summary: The path of redemption will never be easy. In a post-Third Impact world, Shinji and Asuka try to rebuild a sense of normalcy as they deal with their own trauma and the gradual return of figures from their past.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 47





	1. Reunion

**Author's Note:**

> I have been on a bit of an Evangelion rewatch kick lately. As you can imagine, these last couple of months have been pretty difficult, and I found myself revisiting what has quickly become one of my favorite animes, if not overall TV shows, of all time. My idea for this story pre-dates recent events–in fact I have a completely different draft hanging around somewhere on my computer. However, after getting stuck in quarantine I found myself completely restarting it from scratch (and putting off some-ahem–other fanfics I should really be working on).
> 
> Basically, the impetus behind this fic was that most of the post-EoE stories I've read don't really focus on the slow rebuilding of society after Shinji reverses Third Impact. Some of them will completely skip ahead to a future where society rebuilt, some will focus on a world where it's just Shinji and Asuka who came back, some start off that way but then morph into Peggy Sue fics. Not that I have anything against these stories, but I guess this fanfic fulfills the same itch most fanfic writers have: the desire to see the story you want out of your favorite book, movie, TV show, franchise, etc.
> 
> So a couple things. One, this is going to be something of a slow burn. There's not gonna be a whole lot of action, which may seem counterintuitive for a fanfic based on the definitive mecha anime, but let's face it part of what made Evangelion so haunting was its non-action moments. Two is that this fanfic is an experiment for me: I'm formatting these chapters as though they are an episodic follow-up to the original Evangelion series. So there's gonna be story arcs, character-focused "episodes", that sort of thing. I am also more or less stream-of-consciousing the plot, but I do have some set plot beats I want to hit. Depending on where I want something to go, I might come back and edit previous chapters, but I don't plan on any major retcons that'll affect your experience following along. Third is that this is my first foray into the world of Evangelion fanfiction, which I have been told can be quite unforgiving. So please keep an open mind, and maybe we'll learn something from this.
> 
> So...where do we begin? Right where we left off?

A crimson red sky.

A white, sandy beach.

Ruins.

So much destruction.

A crying boy.

A pathetic child.

A child incapable of love.

A child incapable of showing affection.

A child incapable of showing affection when you needed it most.

A disgusting pervert.

Moron.

Idiot.

Stupid.

Crybaby.

_Get off of me._

_No, stay there._

_Go away._

_Be with me._

_Hold me._

_Look at me._

_Look at me._

_Look at me._

_He won’t even look at me._

_He can’t even look at me._

_Why do I even try._

_Why do I want to try._

Because maybe, just maybe, there was that glimmer of hope.

“Disgusting.”

* * *

**Episode 1: Reunion**

Asuka never liked riding elevators with other people.

It just was not fun for her to be confined in a tiny space with another person. No privacy. No one to talk to. There wasn’t even any muzak to distract her.

And then there was the girl with the blue hair standing nearby. The center of attention in this godforsaken place. Little miss perfect doll.

“You still resent her.”

Wait. This wasn’t how it happened.

“What?” Asuka asked.

Rei stayed where she was. “After all that has happened, you still resent the one known as Rei Ayanami.”

“And why shouldn’t I?” Asuka retorted.

Silence.

“You of all people should understand!” she shouted. “Tossed around like a little doll! Made to feel like shit! Manipulated as part of some grand scheme!”

“Surely if you believe Rei Ayanami understands, then it goes to show that you understand, as well.”

Asuka fumed. “So?”

“Ayanami was manipulated as you were. Another pawn. Yet you still express resentment.”

Asuka took a deep breath. “Look at me.”

No response.

“Don’t think you can fool me, there’s still something of the First Child in here with me, face me so I can talk to you.”

Slowly, Rei turned to face Asuka with the same vacant gaze. The gaze Asuka despised.

“All those voices swimming around in your head and yet there’s still one concept you’ve never accepted.”

“And what is that?”

**_Slam._ **

Rei seemed to vaguely register shock that she had been shoved against the elevator door, though she showed no intimidation at the face glaring at her from mere inches away.

Not that she really could be intimidated.

“It doesn’t matter what truth or facts are out there. The way I feel about you? That doesn’t just disappear with knowledge.” Asuka released her hold on Rei and stepped back.

“You are being irrational.”

“Well, sometimes emotions are irrational. We wouldn’t be here if they were.”

A long silence.

“I want out.”

Silence.

“I don’t want to be here.”

Silence.

“There’s nothing here for me. Mama is gone. Kaji never loved me. I want to leave.”

There was a loud crack as the elevator shattered around them into thousands of pieces, leaving behind only a black void where Asuka and Rei remained.

“It’s all just noise. Millions of souls in one place. And none of them are the ones I want to hear.”

“There is no one else out there,” Rei replied.

“Yes there is and you know it.”

Shinji’s form materialized nearby.

“Because he sure as hell isn’t here with us.”

Shinji’s form disappeared almost as quickly as it had appeared.

“If he is the Shinji Ikari you remember,” Rei said slowly. “Then surely you harbor the same resentment to him as you do to me.”

“…I do. I hate his guts.”

“Yet you would rather be with him than stay here.”

“Yeah, well… I have my reasons.”

Rei kept her gaze on Asuka. It was always impossible to tell what Rei was thinking. That’s what made it so hard for Asuka to like her. Well, that and Rei’s immediate disinterest in her when they first met. “He needs you,” she nodded. “Much like you need him.”

No response.

“Asuka.”

“What?”

“Will you be alright?”

That question surprised Asuka. “I…I don’t know,” she replied earnestly, which surprised her even more. “But I hope so.”

Rei’s form was already starting to fade. “I wish you luck, Asuka.” And then she was gone.

For a moment Asuka felt utterly and totally alone. It was a feeling she did not relish.

She swallowed. “Goodbye, Rei.”

* * *

The next thing Asuka remembered was waking up along a shoreline. Pushing herself off the ground, she barely even registered the bandages covering her body, or the damage surrounding her. She could only think of one thing: _Find Shinji_.

It didn’t take much searching for her to find signs of his presence. Footsteps in the sand. A few abandoned campfires. Some trash.

In the distance she could see who she was looking for. But before she could get closer she came across a curious sight: a group of wood posts propped up in a circle.

Getting a closer look, she realized there were names on them: “Kensuke Aida.” “Ryoji Kaji.” The one labelled “Misato Katsuragi” had that little trinket Major Katsuragi always wore around her neck.

“Bitch,” Asuka muttered under her breath. Her eyes darted back and forth as it double-checked each name on the posts. Where was hers?

Soon she found it. A solemn, burnt, plank of wood with the words “Asuka” carved on it. No surnames. Just “Asuka.”

This wouldn’t do. Asuka raised her leg and kicked the sign down. “Risen from the dead,” she remarked.

* * *

The night sky towered above her. She could still see the streak of blood leftover from Lilith’s destruction, so powerful it had even left a dark red patch on the moon.

Everything was gone. Everyone was gone. Just the two of them.

They were supposed to be the protectors of the world, the real heroes. So why was there so much destruction? Why had there been so much death?

Asuka never closed her exposed eye, but she might as well have been asleep. She was so lost in thought she could barely register her surroundings. She didn’t even notice Shinji waking up a few hours later, and she certainly didn’t notice him staring at her with suspicion before straddling her torso with a dangerous look on his face.

She did, however, feel his hands as they cut off her windpipe. And soon reality set in: Shinji was awake, and he was trying to kill her.

But this time was different. There wasn’t hatred in this action. This was fear. Fear of her presence, fear of what she represented, fear of his own mind.

And then Asuka did the only thing she could think of. She raised her hand and gently caressed Shinji’s cheek.

The touch of another human. The first sign of affection Shinji had felt in a very, very long time.

His grip loosened and Asuka could finally breathe again. And soon she felt his tears dripping onto her face.

Finally, Shinji let go of her completely and buried his face in his hands as he wept.

Thoughts ran through Asuka’s head. Conflicting emotions—resentment, betrayed, lust, longing. Judgment to this pathetic little child. The knowledge that he had gone through the same things she did.

They weren’t so different, really.

And it made her feel sick.

* * *

They said nothing after Shinji finally stood up and began walking away from the beach with Asuka following closely behind. When they got to the house, Shinji didn’t even invite Asuka in, simply leaving the door open for her.

Asuka stepped inside, remembering to close the door behind her, and immediately noticed a framed portrait on the wall of a smiling elderly couple. These were, she assumed, the previous owners of this house.

Clearly the house hadn’t been abandoned during the evacuation of Tokyo-3, likely because judging by their location they were pretty far along the outskirts of the ruined city. Presumably the parts she was most familiar with were buried under the sea of LCL.

Asuka continued down the hallway until she finally arrived in the kitchen. Shinji had a portable gas burner running, and two open packs of instant ramen, which he was preparing in a small pot.

She watched quietly as he placed the noodles into the soon-boiling water and let them cook. She said nothing as he looked up and motioned for her to sit at a nearby table. And neither of them said a word when Shinji was finished cooking and they were both eating.

Asuka finished before Shinji, but instead of cleaning she simply sat in her chair and watched him eat.

It took a moment for Shinji to notice. It made him stop eating, expecting her to say something.

She didn’t. Instead, she stood up, walked over to the door into the first-floor bedroom, and slid it shut behind her.

Shinji sat alone at the table. Suddenly he didn’t feel like eating anymore.

The room felt the way it had felt since the day he found the place and moved in so long ago.

It had been the first intact household he’d found when he woke up, so he had simply broken the locks on the door, found a bed, and gone to sleep. When he awoke he did some exploring and found it was actually a decent home for his situation: there was a backup generator that he only needed to refill with gas every few days, a greenhouse where he could harvest produce for some better nutrition, and a well where he could get water for drinking and bathing.

Granted, it wasn’t perfect: although most of the house was intact, the roof had been blown off by some debris from the N2 mine blast, leaving the entire second floor exposed to the elements. It had been difficult, but Shinji managed to install some tarps to provide a decent amount of coverage, but it didn’t provide much insulation—until he could come up with a permanent solution that would keep the upper floor warm, Shinji had taken to sleeping in the guest bedroom on the 1st floor.

Well, apparently that was Asuka’s room now.

He was gonna miss that room. He doubted he was going to find a better, more intact house with more rooms, and certainly not one this close to the shore. Apparently he would have to settle for the living room floor.

Just like old times.

* * *

Asuka stared up the ceiling. She was drained. Drained from the millions of voices she once heard in her head abruptly disappearing. Drained from her and Shinji’s reunion. Drained from having to be in _his_ presence again.

But sleep would not come.

The only thing she could think about was how she was occupying the bed Shinji had probably been using for the past several weeks, and how that poor pathetic idiot was probably curled up on the floor outside.

But she couldn’t go out there and give him a blanket and a pillow. No, there was only one blanket anyway. As far as she knew, that is—she hadn’t really explored the house yet. No. No, he was going to have to sleep on the floor.

The whole thing reminded her of their first few nights together, when they trained to pilot the EVAs in sync.

A thought was racing through her mind, of something she knew she had unconsciously done the night before their second attack against the seventh angel. Would she do it again?

No, she couldn’t. Because what if that was taking advantage of him? What would he do then?

He wouldn’t do anything, obviously, he was traumatized from everything.

But how would he react? Would he question his reality once more and try to kill her all over again?

Such were the thoughts racing through her head. Asuka couldn’t sleep.

Shinji slept. He was very tired.

* * *

**Sunrise Over Ruins**

Asuka awoke to the sound of a door closing.

She was still exhausted—she’d only had two hours of sleep after finally dozing off, but something about that door shutting didn’t seem right.

She climbed out of bed and slid open her own door to find an empty living room.

She didn’t even call out his name. She just knew he wasn’t there anymore.

* * *

The sun rose above the shores of the ocean of LCL, casting a melancholic glow on the destruction. Asuka followed the footprints all the way to the shoreline, where she found Shinji staring out towards the gruesome remains of Lilith, whose appearance resembled that of Rei’s more than Asuka was comfortable with.

Asuka quietly approached Shinji and thought of things to say.

_“Slept well?” No. “Are you okay?” No, he’s not. “It’s gonna be okay.” No, it’s not._

Finally she simply sat down next to Shinji and looked out along the horizon.

She truly took in her surroundings for the first time. A sea of LCL lay before them. Ruins of civilization as far as the eye could see. The utter silence in the remnants of Tokyo-3.

It was all hopeless. They were completely and utterly alone.

She didn’t even realize she was crying until she felt Shinji’s arms around her.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispered. “We’re gonna be okay.”

Asuka pushed him away. “Don’t lie to me,” she said viciously. “It’s never going to be okay, Shinji, so don’t tell me that.” She made a point to look out at the horizon, away from him.

Shinji sat down on the ground beside her. “I’m… really happy to see you again.”

“Yeah, well, you have a funny way of showing it,” Asuka replied, intentionally rubbing her neck around where Shinji had clutched it.

Shinji didn’t respond. He looked at the ground.

Asuka sighed. “I’m…really happy to see you again, too, Shinji.”

That seemed to cheer him up a bit.

For a long time they just sat there, staring off into the horizon, fully recognizing the fact that they were in each other’s presence once more.

“I’m sorry.”

Oh, she _hated_ hearing him say those two words. Remembering his reflexive apologies, his constant cowardice. But instead of chewing him out for it, she simply asked, “For what?”

“Everything.”

“No. Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Don’t just say ‘everything’ and expect it to be okay. You can’t apologize for everything at once, Shinji. Be specific.”

“…I’m sorry for trying to kill you yesterday.”

“Good.”

“And I’m sorry for letting you—”

“No! You still don’t get it! I need _time_ , Shinji.” She looked at him. “You know why I came back, Shinji? There’s nothing in that ocean, there’s no sense of self, there’s no time, it’s all just…everyone and everything at once. I didn’t want that, because it meant I couldn’t deal with all that happened on my own time. So we’re not going to rush any apologies, Shinji. We’ll start with one, and we’ll gradually work in the rest.”

A brief silence. “So…eventually, you’ll forgive me?”

“For what? Everything?”

Shinji nodded.

Asuka looked out at the horizon and thought about it. “…I don’t know,” she said finally.

Shinji looked down at the ground. “I’m…I’m okay with that.”

Asuka kept her gaze locked on the horizon. “I’m sorry.”

“…for what?”

She took a deep breath. “For slapping you when we first met.”

A stunned silence.

And then a gentle laugh.

“Hey. Hey! Don’t laugh at that, I’m serious!”

But Shinji couldn’t stop laughing. It was starting to crescendo, and Asuka caught herself starting to laugh as well.

Neither were sure where this was coming from. Maybe it was the sheer absurdity that _this_ was the first thing Asuka thought to apologize for. Maybe it was their relief at seeing each other again after so long. Maybe it was the bittersweet memory of simpler times in their life.

But for one shared moment, they both genuinely believed everything would be okay.


	2. The Past Dictates The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji and Asuka go shopping.

Asuka stared at the figure in the mirror before her. _Baby steps, Asuka. You can do it._

She reached behind her head and took off the A10 nerve clips. Then she lifted up the back of her hair and began tearing away at the bandages that surrounded her forehead. Once these were gone, she felt around for the gauze covering her left eye and tore it off.

To her relief, she still had her eye. But there was some clear scarring around the socket, the only sign that she had suffered a grievous injury.

She looked at herself in the mirror again, but this time her gaze went to her plugsuit and the bandages around her arm. Well, several grievous injuries.

She looked at the pile of clothing she had pulled from the racks.

 _Be reasonable, Asuka_ , she thought. _I can’t get new clothes without getting rid of the old_.

She began by unwrapping the bandages around her right arm, and was immediately greeted by a clear line of scar tissue running from her hand to her shoulder.

_“I’ll kill you…I’ll kill you…I’ll kill y—”_

She shook the image out of her head as she grabbed at her plugsuit and angrily tried to tear it off of her, grasping at whatever edges she could find and attempting to rip it to shreds.

But she had no such luck. This was strong material, trying to rip it apart was futile.

Asuka kept tugging for a good minute before finally giving up. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to calm down before feeling around for the release button on her wrist. Upon finding it, she calmly pressed it and felt the suit loosen around her body. She let it fall to the ground.

She opened her eyes and looked at herself in the mirror.

**_The spears of Longinus sticking out from her stomach. Large chunks of flesh torn away. Her own guts spilling out onto the ground before her. Bite marks. Blood and gore._ **

She closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. Then she looked in the mirror.

Scars. Scars covering her entire abdomen. But at the end of the day, they were just scars.

“Okay,” she said out loud. And then she reached for one of the dresses.

* * *

Asuka emerged from the changing room about 10 minutes later to find Shinji patiently waiting nearby.

He looked up and smiled. “I see your eye’s fine.”

Asuka touched the area around her eye. “It’s working. I guess that’s what matters.”

Shinji looked at her dress. “You look nice,” he said.

Asuka snorted. “Damn right I do,” she replied. Then she looked at his attire. “I thought you were going to try on some new clothes.”

“…I…I did,” Shinji stuttered.

Asuka stared at him, noticing that his clothes looked a little newer than they had an hour ago. “Are you serious? We have a whole store to ourselves, and you chose that stupid white button down and black pants?!”

Shinji looked almost offended. “I like them!”

“ _Scheiß,_ ” Asuka muttered. “Come on.” She marched off towards the men’s section, leaving Shinji behind.

Shinji sat in silence for about 10 seconds before Asuka reappeared.

“Move!” she shouted, dragging him by the collar with her.

* * *

**Episode 2: The Past Dictates The Future**

“Should we really be making this much of a mess?”

“What, are you gonna call mall security on me?”

Asuka’s method of picking clothing for Shinji largely consisted of her putting whatever she liked into his open arms, and throwing whatever she didn’t like onto the floor as they passed by.

“Asuka, I really don’t need all of this,” Shinji called out from behind the massive tower that was now covering his face.

“Listen, Shinji,” Asuka stopped for a second. “We can make do with cleaning things, but the fact is we’re still growing up, and we need clothes that fit. So it’s best to find a style that suits you, okay?”

“What’s wrong with my old clothes?”

“They make you look scrawny. Now this—” Asuka held up a vest. “This would make you look like an adult, don’t you agree?”

“Not like I can really see it!” Shinji’s muffled voice called from behind the pile.

Asuka put her hands on her hips. “Alright, well…here.” She grabbed two items from the middle of the pile and tore them out, sending the rest of the things in Shinji’s arms flying. “Try these on and if you don’t like them, we’ll just stick to what you have.”

Shinji tiredly looked at the mess before taking the clothes from Asuka. “Fine,” he said, before heading to the changing rooms.

He emerged a minute later to find Asuka waiting for him.

“There, you see? A v-neck and jeans—the perfect teenage boy look.”

“It’s…a little casual.”

“Who are you trying to impress, me? Pfft, in your dreams, Third.”

Shinji muttered something.

“What?”

“I said don’t call me Third.” He didn’t look very happy. “I don’t—I don’t want to think about that.”

Asuka was taken aback. “Oh. Okay…Shinji.” Then, “Alright, we’ve got your fashion settled. Let’s just get a few more shirts in that size, then head to that camping store and see what we can scavenge.”

* * *

They arrived back at the house at around midday. Shinji neatly stacked their clothing on one of the living room’s coffee tables to be sorted later, while Asuka looked through the bag of camping supplies from the store they had raided.

“You know,” she remarked. “If we wanted to get into the business of getting actual meat, we could take up hunting. Maybe we should get a crossbow next time.”

Shinji looked at her skeptically. “…do we really need meat that badly?”

“I miss fresh ramen,” Asuka shrugged. “We could make our own stock, give our meals a boost.”

Shinji smiled. He did miss making soup out of fresh ingredients. The broths he was able to come up with were only made with the vegetables he found in the greenhouse. There was nothing wrong with them, but they just weren’t all that filling on their own. They were already playing fast and loose with nutrition by living off of instant brand food.

Asuka fished around in the bag a little more, pulling out a black box and a large antenna. “What’s this?”

“It’s a short-wave radio. I was gonna try to install it this afternoon—we can put the antenna up on the roof.”

Asuka looked at him. “…who are you trying to call?”

“Anyone, really. See if there’s anyone else out there.”

Asuka put down the radio. “Shinji, I’ve been back for two days. You’ve been back for _weeks_ , I was the first person you saw since you woke up, and we’ve seen absolutely no signs of life. Who is going to pick up?”

Shinji looked down. “It’s a big country,” he shrugged. “And an even bigger world. Maybe there’s someone else out there.”

“And what are the odds that they’ll have a radio transmitter trying to find other survivors?”

Shinji didn’t answer. He looked at the radio.

Asuka sighed. “Okay, come on.”

“What?”

“Let’s install it together. Where’s that toolkit you grabbed?”

* * *

“There you go,” Asuka remarked. “One fully-installed radio antenna, ready for use.”

“There’s…a lot more duct tape than I thought there would be,” Shinji commented.

Asuka rolled her eyes. “Trust me, Shinji, I went to college, I know how to install a radio antenna.”

Shinji chuckled. “That confidence… you sound like Misato.”

Asuka didn’t laugh. She stared hard at Shinji. “I am _nothing_ like Major Katsuragi,” she said.

Shinji nervously laughed, then silenced himself when he saw Asuka maintain the stare. “…I know,” he said.

Asuka seemed satisfied with this response. “Let’s give that radio a try, huh?” She walked over to the radio and turned it on. “Well Shinji, you can do the honors.”

Shinji picked up transmitter. “…what do I say?” he asked.

“You introduce yourself by some identification—I mean, what do you want to identify yourself as?”

Shinji thought for a moment before speaking into the mic: “This is Shinji—”

“No!” Asuka took his hand off the mic. “Whatever you do, do not say who you are.”

“Why not?”

“Because a billion souls were sent into that ocean of LCL and learned it was all the result of the decisions of, in this order, SEELE, NERV, and Shinji Ikari. How receptive do you think any returnees are gonna be to hearing you on the radio?”

Shinji thought for a moment. Then he spoke into the mic. “This is Tokyo-3 to any survivors—”

“Survivors? No one survived Third Impact. Call them…the Returned.”

Shinji gave Asuka an annoyed glance. “This is Tokyo-3 to any of the Returned, requesting status of…” he paused.

Asuka looked at him curiously. “What?”

Shinji sighed and turned on the microphone again. “Tokyo-3…is anyone out there?” He lowered the mic and waited.

No response.

“Tokyo-3…is anyone out there?”

No response.

“Tokyo-3…can anyone hear me?”

No response.

Asuka watched Shinji’s face with each successive broadcast. His hopes that someone would hear him seemed to be drifting away with every second.

“Maybe people are asleep,” she suggested. “Or having lunch. Or out scavenging. They’re probably not looking for anyone else right now. We should try again in the evening.”

Shinji looked at her doubtfully.

“Come on. Let’s have lunch.” Asuka stood up and walked over to the kitchen, grabbed one of the pots, and headed out towards the well to grab some water. “I want to try this instant curry thing.”

Shinji sat in the living room staring at the transmitter for a little longer before following Asuka.

* * *

**A Little Rain**

It rained that day.

Shinji and Asuka were sitting quietly in the living room. They had both changed into some casual wear (they didn’t plan on going out for more supplies today) and were sorting through the clothing when they noticed the drops through the outside window.

“Well that’s new,” Shinji remarked.

Asuka looked at him. “What, you haven’t seen rain before?”

“It hasn’t happened since I got back,” he replied. “It’s a little strange…maybe the energy it took to reform your AT Field did something to the weather patterns.”

Asuka laughed. “Man…I have as much of an effect on the world as an Angel.” She playfully punched Shinji in the shoulder. “I guess that means you have to fight me, huh Third?”

Shinji didn’t laugh. “I told you not to call me Third,” he said.

A silence.

He stood up. “I’ll go see if the tarps on the second floor are holding.” And then he was gone.

Asuka watched the raindrops run down the glass. It was grey and dreary out.

Once upon a time Asuka hated the rain. She much preferred a clear blue sky and a sunny day. But now…

* * *

_“I’ll kill you…I’ll kill you…”_

_She stretched her hands out, reaching towards the cursed MP Evas who she knew were preparing to finish her for good._

_But the sun blinded her. The sky was entirely blue. Were it not for the destruction, it may as well have been peaceful…_

_But not for long._

* * *

“Asuka?”

Asuka jumped. When had Shinji returned? She quickly lowered her outstretched arm. “Well?” she asked.

Shinji stared at her with obvious concern.

“How are the tarps doing?”

He kept his stare for a moment longer before shrugging. “There’s a little dripping here and there, I came back down to grab a pot to collect the water.”

“Oh.” Then, “Are you gonna keep the rainwater?”

Shinji thought for a moment. “Well…I’m not sure I want to risk drinking it, we don’t know what’s in it, but maybe we could use it for cleaning things. Good thinking.” He grabbed a large pot from the kitchen and headed upstairs.

Asuka glanced out at the window again. Then she looked at her right arm, and traced a finger along the scar that ran down the entire length of her arm.

Shinji returned a moment later to find her still looking at her arm. For a moment he thought about asking, “Are you okay?” but he had a feeling he would get a heated response.

Instead he sat down next to her, a little closer than where he had been sitting before. Asuka seemed to notice this but didn’t pay it much mind.

“Why won’t you let me call you Third?” she asked after a while. “I mean, that’s what I’ve always called you.”

“You also called me _baka_.”

“Oh come on, I haven’t called you _baka_ since I got back. Anyway, you cared about when I called you that, but never ‘Third.’ What changed?”

“I don’t want to be reminded of… of back then.”

She turned and glared at him.

“What?”

“Of all the idiotic—that is so easy for you to say. Look at this.” She grabbed at her shirt and pulled it up, revealing one of the scars on her stomach. “Every time I change, every time I look in the mirror, I have to look at _this_.”

Shinji stared at the scar on her stomach, then looked up at Asuka. He couldn’t help but focus on the scarring around her left eye.

“You want to not be reminded of the past? Well good luck with that.” She pointed at the scars around her eye. “Because _I’m_ gonna be that reminder. Would you rather I leave?”

“No,” he said quickly. “No, I want you here.”

It made Asuka feel good to hear that, but she wouldn’t show it. “Well let’s get something straight, Shinji—I don’t have the luxury to forget about the past. And I don’t want to ever see you try to forget about it, either.”

They sat in silence for a long time.

“…I wanted to help you,” Shinji said abruptly.

Asuka closed her eyes as she prepared for what he was about to say.

“But you always pushed me away. You told me you didn’t need me, that you despised everything about me. So when you went out there to fight the MP Evas…”

“Shinji, I know you couldn’t get inside Unit 01, that wasn’t _really_ your fault.”

“No, but…even when I heard you struggling…I still thought that you didn’t need my help. That I would just make it worse for you.”

A long silence.

“I’m sorry I didn’t help you out there. I…I didn’t try hard enough.”

Asuka took a deep breath. “You know how I felt about you, right?”

Shinji had to think for a moment. “In…in what context?” he asked nervously.

Asuka punched his shoulder again. “You know what I’m talking about, you little pervert. ‘Invincible wall of Jericho’? When I tried to go to sleep next to you? The…the kiss?” She looked at her hands. “But I couldn’t get over the idea of being the best. And when you started surpassing me… I pushed you away.” She looked at Shinji. “And I’m sorry for doing that to you.”

They stared at each other for a long time.

“Do-do you want to try—do you want to try again?”

Asuka closed her eyes. “Shinji…” She wanted to say yes. But the only thing going through her mind was the sight of Shinji standing over her naked, unconscious body in the hospital shortly before Third Impact, in his most desperate moment before he ended the world.

It revolted her.

So she opened her eyes and said nothing.

Shinji turned away. They were both thinking the same thing: after everything that had happened, after everything they had done to each other, acting on their prior impulses seemed like a childish fantasy.

And somehow that hurt more than not knowing whether the other returned their feelings.

The rain stopped about an hour later.

* * *

Asuka gently placed the last of the clothing in her drawer.

She glanced at the plugsuit sitting folded on top of the dresser. She had thought about burning it outside, along with the clips. But after giving it more thought she decided it was better to have a physical memento than to just pretend it was all in the past.

She decided to get a better look at the room. She walked over to the closet and found what she was looking for: another blanket and a spare pillow.

 _That lazy bum_ , she thought to herself as she picked them up. _He could’ve come here and grabbed these anytime, but he didn’t. Guess I’ll have to do it for him_.

She was about to carry them out into the living room when something caught her eye—marks on the wall of the closet.

Looking closely, she realized they were tally marks. They numbered well over a hundred.

But before she could think much about them, she heard the crackling of the radio and completely forgot what she was doing.

“This is Tokyo-3 attempting to contact any of the Returned. Can anyone hear me?”

Silence.

Asuka stepped out of her room to see Shinji on the couch, talking into the radio.

He pressed the microphone again. “This is Tokyo-3, is there anybody out there?”

Silence.

“This…Tokyo-3…can anyone hear me?”

There was a desperation to his voice.

Shinji dejectedly lowered the mic. “I’m all alone,” he muttered.

Asuka thought about making her presence known. Instead, she quietly tiptoed back into her room and came out again a little more loudly. “Any luck?” she asked cheerfully.

He looked at her, a bit surprised by her demeanor. “…no,” was all he could come up with.

“Well, we can try again in the morning,” she offered. “Actually, you know what? Let’s do a call three times a day: morning, noon, and evening. We’ll do that every day, how’s that?”

Shinji looked at her skeptically.

“And not just that—maybe we can do it in other languages, too. Watch.” She sat down next to him, grabbed the mic, and spoke into it. “Tokyo-Drei…ist da irgendjemand draußen?” And then, _“Tokyo-3, is there anybody out there?”_ She put down the microphone and waited for a moment.

Nothing. “We have Japanese, German, and English covered,” she said confidently. “Someone will pick up eventually. It’s only a matter of time.”

Shinji looked at her. There was a glimmer of hope in his face, something she hadn’t seen in quite some time.

“Well then, now that we’ve sorted that out—you gonna make us dinner or what?”

Shinji sighed. Some things never changed.

* * *

Shinji had no idea what time it was. All he knew was it was the dead of night when the door to Asuka’s room slid open. He thought she was headed to the bathroom, but instead he felt her throw a blanket over his body and shove a pillow under his head.

 _This is awfully nice of her_ , he thought, assuming she would march off to the bedroom without another word.

But when he didn’t hear her footsteps he hazarded a glance, only to see her standing above staring straight at him.

For a moment they stared at each other like deer in headlights.

Finally, Asuka let out a “Good night,” before darting back to her room and closing the door.

* * *

She slept a little better that night.


	3. The Guardian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A figure from Shinji and Asuka's past returns. Shinji is receptive. Asuka, not so much.

“This is Tokyo-3, I am attempting to contact any of the Returned. Can you hear me?”

Silence.

He handed it to Asuka. “Your turn.”

“Tokyo-Drei…ist da irgendjemand draußen?”

Silence.

_“Tokyo-3, is anybody there?”_

Silence.

“Well, I guess that’s it for now,” she sighed. “You ready to head out?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

* * *

**Episode 3: The Guardian**

Asuka smelled the air. “…it’s…different, don’t you think?”

“What is?”

“The air.”

Shinji gave a puzzled sniff. “What do you mean?”

“Like there’s more of a bite to it.”

He smelled the air again. She was right. “Yeah…and it feels cooler out, too. Ms. Misato once said something about how when the seasons used to change you could smell it in the air before it even got cold.”

“Well, Third Impact must have done a hard reset on the environment, so we’re gonna have seasons again.” She pursed her lips. “That must mean it’s September. Wow, we were in there for a long time, weren’t we Shinji?”

Shinji didn’t respond.

“Shinji?”

He could vaguely hear her trying to talk to him, but his focus was on something else. The path to the grocery store gave him a vantage point of the beach. And just beyond the beach, floating above the ocean of LCL, was the figure of a blue-haired girl in a school uniform.

“Hey, _baka_ -Shinji.”

“Hey!” he exclaimed, jolting out of his daze. “I thought you were done calling me that.”

“It got your attention, didn’t it?” Asuka shrugged. “What were you looking at?”

Shinji looked out at the horizon. The figure was gone. “It was…nothing. Let’s keep going.”

* * *

Asuka stared at the solitary pack of ramen. “This is the last one,” she called out.

“Well there’s still plenty of the instant curry packets!” Shinji replied from the other aisle. “And some microwave rice.”

Asuka grabbed the ramen pack and nervously tapped it against her hand. “I don’t like this,” she said.

There was a brief silence before Shinji appeared from the next aisle over. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been here for only a week and we’re already running out of food.”

Shinji laughed. “We have plenty of food at the house, this is just a restock.”

“What about when the store runs out?”

“Well then we’ll go and find another one.”

“And when that runs out? How long do you think we can keep this up, just living off instant foods?” She held up the pack. “Do you see the nutritional content in this? You’re even scrawnier than usual from living off of this stuff!”

Shinji pretended he didn’t hear that last part. “Well… we have the vegetables in the greenhouse.”

“That’s barely enough for two, and neither of us exactly have green thumbs.”

Shinji shrugged. “I don’t know, I mean I’ve been doing pretty well as is.”

Asuka couldn’t imagine how he could be so confident when he’d only been tending to the garden for a few weeks at best. “Well, just something to think about.” She threw the empty pack into the shopping cart. “Because unless we come up with a proper sustainable food source, we’re gonna die from too much MSG before we ever reach 20.”

* * *

“I just don’t see how you can talk so much about starvation when we have such a full cart,” Shinji remarked as he and Asuka pushed the heavy shopping cart down the deserted street.

“Shinji, do you understand how ridiculous it is that we’re becoming hunter-gatherers?”

“…what?”

“We’re foraging, we’re finding food by gathering it where we can find it. Not only is that incredibly stupid for two teenagers raised in modern civilization, it means we’re gonna have to eventually start traveling when the food in Tokyo-3 inevitably runs out. Are you planning on becoming a nomad?”

“…no?”

“Then we need to really think about the long-term.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“I don’t know…maybe setting up our own farm?”

“You can’t be serious.”

“It’s just an idea. We could…we could find chickens, and then we’d have a regular supply of eggs and poultry.”

“Next thing you know we’ll be raising cows.”

“You laugh now, but they’re versatile.”

“Oh really, how?”

“Well, milk, for starters, which let’s face it, you need.”

“ _Thanks_.”

“Meat, which we could preserve. And… you know, fertilizer.”

“Fertilizer.”

“Yeah, fertilizer.”

“…”

“…”

“You couldn’t just say…the actual term?”

“Of course not, it wouldn’t be proper! Anyway, I’m just throwing ideas in the air, I mean it would be impossible for us to…to…” She trailed away.

“What is it?”

Asuka didn’t answer. Instead she was staring through the window of a nearby ruined building. Behind the broken glass, she could make out the figure of a certain blue-haired girl in a school uniform.

“Asuka?”

She didn’t answer. Instead, she let go of the cart and made a dash for it.

“Hey, whoa whoa whoa!” Shinji steadied the cart, which nearly rolled away. “Wait a second!”

* * *

Asuka ran through the door, up the stairs, until she reached the window where she could’ve sworn she saw Rei. But as she had suspected would happen, she found no one there: just some old furniture and some graffiti on the wall that just said “eighteenth.”

Wait…graffiti? Was that left over from before Third Impact?

Shinji appeared behind her. “Asuka, what is it?”

“I… sorry, I thought I saw something.” She took one last look around before heading for the door. “I must’ve imagined it. Let’s go, Shinji.”

“You saw her, didn’t you?”

She stopped. “ _What_?”

“You saw Ayanami. I saw her too, this morning. She was watching me on our way to the store. And that wasn’t the first time I’ve seen her.”

Asuka stared at him. “Has that doll been _spying_ on us?”

“Don’t call her that. And no, I don’t think that’s it.”

“Well why else would she be creeping on us like that?”

“The last time I saw her…it was the day you showed up. I think she was trying to let me know you were here.”

“So then why would she—”

They stared at each other. And then they nearly collided as they both made a run for the door.

* * *

They were extremely out of breath when they finally made it to the beach, but they only had a singular goal in mind.

“Over there!” Asuka shouted.

There was someone on the beach. Her form was distinctly female, and she lay prone, with the waves gently lapping at her feet. Apparently the tide had brought her in.

Shinji and Asuka sprinted down the sand, getting closer. More details emerged—this person was wearing a red jacket with a black dress, and her hair had a distinctly purple tinge.

Asuka came to a complete halt when she realized who it was. But Shinji kept running until he was right before the body. Initially unsure, he knelt down and gently rolled her onto her back.

“Asuka, look!” he called out.

Lying there, with bandages covering the injuries she had sustained from the trigger-happy JSSDF, was his former guardian Misato Katsuragi.

Shinji knelt down, putting his ear near her face, and then checked her pulse. “She’s alive!” he called out. “We need to bring her back to the house!” He grabbed Misato’s arm and threw it over his shoulder as he tried to drag her up. “Asuka, help me out!”

Asuka stared at Misato. In her mind she had nothing but contempt for this woman: for letting Asuka self-destruct under her watch, for forcing the both of them to pilot the EVAs when they were most vulnerable, for taking advantage of Shinji at his darkest hour.

“Asuka, come on!”

But right now Shinji needed help.

Asuka sighed before walking over and throwing Misato’s other arm over her shoulder. “If this hurts my back, I’m blaming you,” she said to her unconscious former guardian before she and Shinji both lifted Misato up and began dragging her towards the house.

* * *

_“Mommy, mommy!”_

_“What is it, Shinji?”_

_“Look what I found! It’s a worm!”_

_“A worm?! Now where on earth did you find that?”_

_“In the garden! Under some leaves! Can I keep it?”_

_“Oh Shinji, why don’t you show it to Asuka? She’ll want to see that for sure!”_

_“Mommy, I can’t show it to Asuka!”_

_“And why not?”_

_“Because Asuka doesn’t like me, Mommy.”_

_“What? What makes you say that?”_

_“Because she hates my guts, Mommy.”_

_“Shinji, where is this coming from? I’ll get your father. Kaji! Where are you?”_

_“She just wants me to die.”_

_“Of course she doesn’t want you to die, Shinji! She kissed you that one time, remember?”_

_“But you kissed me too, Mommy.”_

_“…”_

_“Mommy, if I let her die, would you be mad at me?”_

_“I…”_

_“If I let everyone die, would you hate me?”_

_“Shinji…”_

_“You kissed me Ms. Misato, does that also mean you hate me?”_

* * *

“Why did you do it?” Rei asked.

“Do what? Kiss him?”

“…”

“…I thought I was helping. I thought it would be his last push.”

“…”

“But it wasn’t what he needed at that moment.”

“You manipulated him.”

“Yes.”

“Yet the world that you take the most comfort in is the one where you are still his guardian.”

“It’s not just that!” Misato clenched her fists as she shouted at Rei. “That’s…that’s how it should have been! Me and Kaji together… we could’ve looked after Shinji and Asuka. It would have been like one happy family.”

“Was this not possible in your previous life?”

Misato stood there silently.

“Was it, Katsuragi?” Kaji asked, appearing nearby.

Silence.

“No. No it wasn’t. Not with everything that was happening.”

Kaji smiled weakly. “I know what you’re thinking, Katsuragi.”

Misato looked at him. “Kaji, make me stay.”

“I can’t do that. This is something you know you need to do.”

“If I go back, I’ll lose you.”

He laughed as he gently caressed her face. “You lost me a long time ago, Katsuragi. All this…this is just your image of me. So I guess in some ways…” he was already beginning to fade. “I’ll always be with you.”

Misato stood alone with Rei for what seemed like an eternity.

“What do you intend to do?” Rei asked gently.

“I’m… I’m gonna protect them.”

“From what?”

“The world.” She straightened her back a little. “I’ll be the parent they never had.”

“You tried that before, did you not?”

Misato didn’t remember Rei having this much backtalk. “Well… it’s different now. There’s no one else out there to interfere, so…I can raise them the correct way.”

“It will not be easy.”

“Well, parenting never is.”

“I wasn’t talking about parenting.”

* * *

She opened her eyes to an unfamiliar ceiling.

 _Is this my house?_ she thought. _Was it all a dream?_

She glanced to her right and immediately made eye-contact with a scrawny teenage boy. “Shinji…?” she asked faintly.

And immediately his face was buried into her shoulder as he hugged her tightly. “I failed you, Ms. Misato,” he wept. “I failed everyone.”

“It’s…it’s okay,” she immediately soothed as she hugged him back. “It wasn’t your fault, Shinji.”

The world was coming into focus. She was in a bed that wasn’t hers. This room was not hers.

She was suddenly aware of a red-haired figure standing in a corner, leaning against a wall, glaring at her.

“Asuka…?”

“I hope the bed’s comfortable,” was all she said before walking out.

* * *

**An Uncertain Reunion**

She needed a drink.

No, no she didn’t. She did not need to drink right now.

But a cold beer would be wonderful, wouldn’t it?

Just…something with alcohol.

She doubted the kids had scavenged for beer. But she could check, just to be sure…

“Calm yourself, Katsuragi,” she muttered. “You can live without beer for a while longer.”

As opposed to not living.

She needed a distraction. So she decided to take in her surroundings for the first time.

The room smelled like Asuka.

She’d spent enough time living in the same apartment as that girl to know her scent. Asuka had been living in this room for a little while.

She walked over to the drawer and looked inside. Asuka’s clothes in one, Shinji’s clothes in another.

Hmm, looks like Shinji swapped out the collared shirts for some t-shirts.

Two more drawers, both empty. One of those was probably going to be hers.

She went to the window and opened the shades. What greeted her was the view of the street, with debris from the events of Third Impact lining it.

She didn’t know what Shinji and Asuka’s food situation was, but imagined they would need help scavenging food. If they could find a car, she could probably jerry-rig it as a new means of transportation. Probably a Jeep or some other off-road vehicle.

Then she went to the closet and looked inside.

Some towels, a few shirts that didn’t look like they fit Shinji or Asuka—probably belonged to whoever lived in the house before them.

She was about to close the door when something caught her eye—what looked like small marks along the walls.

She pushed aside some of the clothes and took a closer look. Suddenly she realized they were tally marks.

“What the hell…” she muttered as she began counting them.

* * *

Shinji smelled the vegetable broth. “Hey Asuka, come try this.”

Asuka rolled her eyes before walking over and grabbing the ladle from Shinji. She dipped it in the pot and took a taste.

“Well?” Shinji asked.

“It’s not gonna get any better,” she replied bluntly.

Shinji shook his head. “It’s just something to put in her stomach, I’m not trying for luxury.”

Asuka folded her arms as she leaned against the counter. “You didn’t pamper _me_ this much when I got back,” she muttered. “Unless you thought _that_ was somehow a form of greeting.”

Shinji opened up one of the ramen soup bases and poured it into the broth. “I thought I already apologized for that.”

“Where was my hot bowl of soup in bed?”

“I gave you ramen! And anyway, you locked yourself in what was technically _my_ room as soon as you finished.”

“Yeah? Well apparently that room’s just gonna go to every one of your girlfriends who shows up on the beach, huh? Can’t wait to see Rei.”

Shinji glared at Asuka.

“What?”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Oh, so sorry, your _mother_ … wait, are we talking about Rei or Ms. Misato?”

Shinji gave her an exasperated look. “Ms. Misato, obviously!” He angrily drained the noodles, dropped them into the bowl, and poured the soup over them.

Asuka watched him do this and bit back her response until he had picked up the bowl and chopsticks and was headed to the bedroom door. “She cleaned your tonsils out with her tongue! That wasn’t very motherly of her!”

Shinji stopped in his tracks. “Asuka, I’m only gonna ask you this once.”

“Really. Well, don’t let me stop you, go ahead.”

He turned and flashed her a look that suddenly made her very nervous. “Lay off.” And then he disappeared into the bedroom.

Asuka stood there in utter shock.

It wasn’t just the fact that Shinji had apparently grown a pair for once in his life. It was the fact that he _still_ seemed to care more about _her_.

Asuka decided she needed to go for a walk.

* * *

“125…130…135—"

_“Ms. Misato, obviously!”_

She stopped counting.

_“She cleaned your tonsils out with her tongue! That wasn’t very motherly of her!”_

She forgot all about the tally marks. Instead she listened at the door.

_“Asuka, I’m only gonna ask you this once.”_

_“Really. Well don’t let me stop you, go ahead.”_

_“Lay off.”_

She heard Shinji approaching the door and immediately leapt for the bed, managing to sit down just as he entered.

“…is everything alright?” Shinji asked, sensing something had just happened.

Misato nervously crossed her legs and leaned back in a pose that she knew was a little too casual. “Everything’s great, just peachy,” she said, somehow making it worse.

He handed her the bowl and sat down on the bed next to her.

She sniffed the contents. They looked and definitely smelled like ramen, but there was something different about the soup. “What’s in this?” she asked.

“It’s ramen, but…I used vegetable broth instead of just water for the soup.”

“Vegetable broth?” She gave it a taste. It wasn’t particularly amazing, but it definitely tasted gentler than just plain instant ramen. “Where’d you get the vegetables?” she asked as she began to dig in.

“There’s a greenhouse in the backyard. Carrots, tomatoes, a couple of herbs… we have our own ecosystem.”

“You’ve made a little home for yourselves, then, haven’t you? How long have you been back?”

“Asuka’s been back for a week,” Shinji said. “I was…a little bit before that.”

“One week alone with Asuka. I’m surprised you two didn’t kill each other yet.” Then, noticing Shinji’s look, “…that was a joke.”

“I know.”

Misato lowered the bowl, which she had somehow consumed half of in a very short amount of time. “Is everything alright with you two?” she asked, concerned.

Shinji knew she had overheard at least some of the conversation, but he only gave a blasé shrug. “It’s Asuka, it’s never okay between us.”

“…she knows about what I did to you, doesn’t she? Before I put you on the elevator to the cage?”

Shinji froze.

Misato sighed. Suddenly she didn’t feel very hungry. “I guess there’s no keeping secrets about before Third Impact from any of us, is there?”

“No, there’s not.”

“Shinji, I…” She bit her lip.

“I don’t want to ‘do the rest’,” Shinji said quickly.

“ _No!_ ” Oh god. “No, of course not. But… Shinji, it wasn’t right for me to do that…” She trailed off. How could she even talk about this?

“Not now,” he said. “We don’t have to talk about this now.”

“Shinji, if we don’t talk about it—”

“I know. It’s going to hang over our heads. But right now I care more about you finishing your meal.”

The earnestness in that last sentence made Misato smile. Shinji always seemed to surprise her in some way. It was hard to believe this was the same boy she’d met only a year ago.

 _Only a year ago from my perspective,_ she thought to herself as she continued eating.

* * *

Asuka kept on walking until she found the building where they’d left the shopping cart, still piled high with supplies.

Stupid Major Katsuragi. They were barely scraping by as it was, now they had a third mouth to feed. Which meant they needed the food in this cart.

Shinji took hunger for granted, but Asuka knew what it felt like to starve to death. And she wasn’t about to let Major Katsuragi be responsible for it twice.

Asuka walked around and began pushing the cart. But then she felt some trickling on her face. And suddenly it was raining.

Of course. Changed weather patterns brought about by someone reforming their AT Fields after freeing themselves from Instrumentality.

Right when she was out here, without an umbrella, pushing a shopping cart full of food.

“You have a sick sense of humor, you know that?!” she called into the air, hoping Rei would somehow hear her.

Asuka had barely adjusted the direction of the cart when she felt it clang against a large rock she hadn’t even noticed in its path. Sighing, she stomped over to the rock and tried to kick it out of the way.

When it didn’t budge, she knelt down, hoisted it into her arms, and looked for a place to gently place it. But its weight ached in her shoulders, prompting her to simply chuck it in whatever direction she happened to be facing.

That direction happened to be the building, and the rock flew straight through a window, shattering the glass.

Asuka stared at the broken glass, then at the various other windows on the ground floor. Then she grabbed another rock and threw it into a relatively un-damaged window, watching the glass shatter from the impact.

She remembered buildings like this. She’d resigned herself to living in the ruins of one during her worst moment. But now they were only a reminder of those times.

And they deserved to be destroyed.

But that would happen another day. For now she needed to take the food home before it got all soaked.

* * *

Shinji peeked back in after he finished cleaning up Misato’s food. “You should get some rest,” he said. “We can talk in the morning, maybe Asuka will have calmed down a little.”

“Yeah,” Misato agreed. “A house meeting—just like old times.”

Shinji smiled. “Just like old times.” He started to leave.

She stood up. “Shinji, wait.”

He stopped. “Yes?”

She looked over at the closet. Should she ask him about it?

“I’m… I’m really glad to see you again.”

He stared at her for a long time, unsure of how to respond. Then tears started to well up in his eyes.

“Shinji?”

“I thought you were gone forever!” he burst. “When you got shot, when I saw the blood after you left me in the elevator, when I heard the explosion…I thought you would never come back!”

She immediately walked over and pulled him into a tight embrace. “I’m here now, Shinji. And I’m not going away.”

He let out a few tearful gasps before hugging her even tighter.

It took a couple of moments for Misato to realize a very soaked Asuka was standing in the hallway right outside the door, staring at them.

“Inseparable,” she remarked.

Shinji abruptly let go of Misato and faced Asuka. “You’re back.”

“Were you _crying_?” Asuka asked, noticing his red eyes. “What happened?”

“It’s nothing,” Shinji said. “Just… we were talking about something. Was it raining?”

Asuka raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know, _baka_ , what do you think? Just letting you know I picked up the shopping cart.”

“Oh, I forgot we left it! Do you want a towel or something?”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll get it myself. I’m gonna try to take a bath…or whatever counts for one these days. Anyway, we’re all stocked up on food. Should last us a month… or a week, judging by her habits.” And she walked off to the kitchen carrying the last ramen packet from the cart.

“Asuka—” Shinji started to protest, but he was held back by Misato.

“You two are handling your shared baggage on your own time,” she explained. “She and I are going to have to do the same.”

* * *

Asuka lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling.

She looked over at Shinji, fast asleep on the floor.

They were definitely gonna have to fix the roof soon. It was absurd to have only one usable bed with three people in the house. What about when more people came back—and there was definitely going to be more people at some point, judging by how quickly Major Katsuragi had shown up.

She needed a drink of water.

She went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass, pulled the pitcher out from the fridge and poured herself some.

Then she heard a door open and barely had time to react before Misato appeared, tiredly rubbing her head, only to freeze when she saw Asuka looking back at her.

“Asuka,” she said.

Asuka put her glass down. “Major Katsuragi,” she said.

Misato smiled. “I’m not your superior anymore, Asuka, you can just call me “Ms. Misato.’”

“If it’s all the same to you, I’ll stick with Major Katsuragi.”

Clearly she wasn’t surprised by this response. “That’s…that’s fair.”

“So,” Asuka said. “What do you want?”

“Well… I was going to see if you had any beer in the fridge.”

Asuka rolled her eyes. “We have water.” Pause. Then, reluctantly, “You want some?”

“That’d be nice.”

Asuka grabbed another glass and poured some water. She handed the glass to Misato and watched her drink.

She didn’t feel like telling Misato they had a fully-stocked liquor cabinet.

Misato finished the glass. “Thank you very much,” she said. Then she tilted her head and a look of concern crossed her face. “What happened to your eye?”

It occurred to Asuka this was the first time Misato had gotten a good look at her since she returned. “What do you think?” she asked, unconsciously touching it.

Misato put down the glass and started to reach out towards Asuka’s face. “Let me see.”

Asuka immediately slapped her hand away. “Stop pretending you care,” she said quickly. “You’re not being paid for it anymore.”

Misato retracted her hand. “Asuka. I know this won’t be easy for you to hear, but I came back because I wanted to help you two.”

“Since when did we need your help? We’re doing fine as is.”

“You’re a smart girl, Asuka. You know as well as I do you can’t live off of instant food forever. How long did you think the two of you could survive alone?”

Asuka looked at the counter.

“We’re going to have to get through this together whether you like it or not,” Misato continued. “So if there’s anything you’d like to get off your chest—”

**_POW!_ **

Misato clutched at her nose and doubled back, more in surprise than in any actual pain. This girl was an Eva pilot, trained for quick combat instincts. But at the end of the day Misato was a military-trained professional, and Asuka was a small child.

Asuka kept her arm up, gauging Misato’s reaction but remaining stone-faced.

“Okay,” Misato said, slowly standing up straight. “Have you gotten that out of your sys—”

**_WHUMP._ **

Asuka sent an upper cut to her cheek and Misato was stumbling back once again.

“Not quite,” Asuka replied.

Misato blinked. “Asuka, this isn’t—”

**_CRACK._ **

Misato had to actually grab onto the counter to stop herself from falling over.

“I can do this all day,” Asuka said calmly as she lowered her foot.

Misato steadied herself. She tasted a little bit of blood in her mouth. This was probably where she should intervene.

But now she had an idea.

“Keep going,” she said.

Asuka stared. This wasn’t what she was expecting.

Not that she objected to it, though.

She raised her arm once more, ready to deliver another blow to Misato’s nose.

This time, however, Misato dodged it, and very easily.

Asuka tried again, and Misato caught her hand before yanking it around, locking Asuka’s arms behind her back, and then slamming her head first into the counter and holding her in position.

“Let…let go of me!” Asuka shouted as she struggled to break free.

“Not yet,” Misato said. “Let’s get something straight here, Asuka: I _know_ I fucked up. And I know you’re angry at me, and you’re entitled to that anger. I will try to make it up to you and Shinji however I can, but I’m not going to let myself be your punching bag. Understood?”

“And what if me beating the shit out of you is the only way I’ll forgive you?” Asuka asked.

“Because at the end of the day—” Misato slightly adjusted her grip on Asuka’s hands and she heard the girl make a gasp as a sharp pain went through her arm. “—I have about 7 years of self-defense training on you.” And she promptly let go.

Asuka felt her wrist before glaring at Misato. “You may have fooled Shinji. Hell you may have fooled yourself, thinking you could have been a mother to the both of us. But you can’t fool me. Third Impact or no Third Impact, I know what you really are.” She walked back to the living room and flopped down on the couch.

“Good night, Asuka,” Misato said, not waiting for a reply as she went back to her room and closed the door.

* * *

As soon as Asuka started snoring, Shinji let out the breath he’d been holding for the past five minutes. Suddenly having Misato back didn’t seem as great as he’d once thought.


	4. The New Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misato tries to prove herself on the group's first day trip.

Misato dreamt of blood.

* * *

_She was stumbling through the ruins of Tokyo-3, clutching at her blood-soaked wounds as she looked for some sign of life. Streams of blood ran through the streets. She was surrounded by bodies. The dead bodies of the civilian staff at NERV, everyone who died under her command. Faces she had seen every day, but most of whom she never knew._

_Her entire body was giving up on her. But she had to keep moving. She had to get somewhere._

_Her legs gave way and she collapsed to the ground. Looking up, she was faced with a horrifying sight: Eva Unit 02 on the battlefield, impaled beyond recognition._

_No, no it wasn’t Unit 02. It was Asuka. And she was still screaming._

_She turned to see Shinji standing nearby, his head turned to the ground._

_“Shinji,” she rasped. “Save… save her. Save Asuka.”_

_But Shinji didn’t move._

_Gunshots rang out. She watched the bodies fall to the ground beside her. Ibuki. Aoba. Makoto. Kaji. Ritsuko._

_She looked up to see the heat of a massive detonation consume her._

_She felt her entire body as it was torn apart before her very eyes._

* * *

She awoke with a start, once again facing a ceiling that was a little more familiar but still unwelcoming.

She sat up. She was alive. She was in a house. Shinji and Asuka were sleeping in the other room. Everything was fine.

She glanced down and realized her hands were shaking. She gripped them into fists in a vain attempt to steady them, before using them to cover her face and suppress a sob.

No. Everything was not fine.

After composing herself, she got out of bed, walked out of the bedroom, and headed into the bathroom across the hall. She turned on the light and looked at herself in the mirror.

If she had any makeup, she would put some on to hide the bruises where Asuka hit her. But she did not.

She stepped out of the bathroom again, only to encounter Asuka patiently waiting to go in.

They stared at each other for a moment.

“Good morning,” Misato said.

Asuka scowled. She brushed past Misato without responding, went into the bathroom, and closed the door.

Misato sighed. This was going to be a rough day.

* * *

**Episode 4: The New Normal**

Breakfast was scrambled reconstituted powdered egg and some jerky.

All things considered, it wasn’t that bad.

Shinji could clearly see bruises all over Misato’s face, although if she was in pain she wasn’t showing it.

Asuka for her part seemed kind of cheerful. Maybe she had moved on.

He saw Asuka sneak a dirty glare at Misato. Nope, never mind.

He cleared his throat.

The both of them looked at him expectantly.

“I…” Suddenly he felt like a deer in headlights. “I was thinking… today might be a good day to start work on fixing the roof?”

“That’s a good idea, Shinji,” Misato nodded. “Do we have any tools or supplies?”

“There's a toolkit, but it's pretty small. I used the hammer to put the tarps in, but we need something more permanent.”

“Well, let’s set a firm game plan. We’ll go upstairs after breakfast and take measurements, then come up with a firm blueprint so we'll know what we need. After that, a trip to Homac.” Misato scratched her chin. “Hmm… we’ll have to find a truck, I can probably get one working. We need lumber, insulation, shingles…”

“Someone’s taking charge quickly,” Asuka muttered.

Misato looked at Asuka for a moment. Before Third Impact she would have run off to do something else instead of dealing with Asuka’s emotions. But there was nothing for her to distract herself. She was going to have to deal with his head on.

“Did either of you have plans for today?” she asked.

“We’ve been focused on using the radio to try to communicate with anyone else who might have returned,” Shinji explained. “Other than that it’s been about fixing the house together. Plus scavenging—food, clothes, that sort of thing.”

Misato nodded. “I’m proud of you two for figuring out how to survive so quickly.”

Asuka let out a spiteful laugh.

“Asuka? Is there something you want to say?”

“No.”

“We also found some video games,” Shinji added. “And a couple of movies. But I think the TV here is broken.”

“Maybe we’ll focus on that after we get the roof fixed. I think having access to multiple bedrooms is a priority.”

“Now that we can agree on,” Asuka snorted.

* * *

After spending the morning taking measurements of the second floor and consulting some basic architecture books the previous owners had lying around, they had a firm design set for the roof. Granted, it wasn’t going to aesthetically match the rest of the house, but the important thing was that it was a functioning roof.

Once they’d determined what they needed, they had some lunch and then set out for Homac. They chose to start off on foot while they looked for a vehicle they could use.

It took a little bit of searching, but they soon found what they were looking for: a pickup truck to pile their supplies into. The keys were still in the ignition—apparently whoever had been using it had just turned it off when Third Impact occurred. There was even some gas in the tank.

“Dead battery, though,” Misato remarked as she played with the key. “Must be from disuse. But nothing I can’t handle.” She popped the hood and started looking around for some jumper cables.

Shinji watched Misato play with the car battery, then looked over at Asuka, who was staring off into the distance.

“She’ll get the car going,” Shinji assured Asuka. “She’s great with cars. Not even an N2 mine blast could stop her from getting a car started.”

“Tft,” Asuka replied. “Don’t suppose she could teach us to drive too, could she?”

“Maybe?” Shinji raised an eyebrow. “We could certainly ask.”

“Good. Because nothing would give me more pleasure to drive as far away from here as possible if it meant getting away from her.”

Pause. “And getting away from me, too?”

Asuka closed her eyes in frustration, then glared at Shinji. “Don’t start putting me on a guilt trip. Besides, it’s just a hypothetical situation.”

“Hey Shinji!” Misato called out. “Could you turn the key in the ignition when I tell you? I think I might have figured this out!”

“Mommy’s calling,” Asuka said sarcastically as she walked off.

Shinji thought about responding, but he was interrupted by Misato. “Shinji!”

“Coming!” He climbed into the drivers’ seat and felt around for the ignition. As he did so, he was suddenly keenly aware he was a tiny person in a massive machine with far more power inside of it than he could ever imagine. He shook off the thought and turned the key, and was relieved to hear a rumbling sound.

“Okay, we’re in business!” Misato appeared. “Alright, which one of you wants to ride shotgun, which one wants to ride in the flatbed?” Then she faltered. “Wait, where’s Asuka?”

Shinji leaned out of the truck to look. Where had Asuka gone?

* * *

They found her standing only a couple of meters away, kneeling down and staring at the ground.

“Asuka!” Shinji ran up. “What is it?”

“I found these,” she said, pointing to some tracks in the ground.

Misato walked over and inspected the tracks. “Bear tracks,” she remarked. “A large bear by the looks of it,” she added, a little more concerned.

Shinji stared at the tracks. They looked relatively fresh. “But…we haven’t seen any bears, much less tracks.”

“Well, the tracks are probably because the rain last night kicked up a lot of mud. But as far as sightings, my guess is they haven’t gotten to the part of the city where the house is.”

Asuka looked at Misato. “Haven’t wild bears been extinct since before 2nd Impact?”

“Yes, but even then they weren’t exactly known to wander around residential areas.” Misato stood up. “There’s a zoo a couple of miles further north. Whatever made this probably came from there.”

“Just our luck,” Asuka muttered. “So, _Major Katsuragi_ , what should we do?”

Misato winced slightly. This was hardly the time for Asuka to voice her disdain. “We continue to Homac. But keep an eye out—if we see a bear, we run.”

* * *

The drive to Homac was relatively smooth, although everyone was pretty rattled by the bear tracks.

Empty mall parking lots were probably Shinji’s least favorite sight. It was a reminder of just how empty the world was now. During his time alone, it was an even starker reminder—at least when he was in the house he could pretend he had closed himself off from the outside world, but seeing a parking lot reminded him that there wasn’t even an outside world anymore.

Unlike the supermarkets Shinji and Asuka had been raiding, this store’s façade was relatively untouched by the N2 blast—it was further into the suburbs. So Misato had to actually break open the door for them to get in.

“No power,” she remarked as she pulled out her flashlight and shined it into the dark store. “Okay, you two. I don’t want us to be this far away from the house for too long. We’ll grab the supplies for the roof, and if there’s anything else here you think might be useful grab it. I wanna be out of here in an hour.”

* * *

“Barking orders like she’s our commander,” Asuka remarked mostly to herself, as she and Shinji placed another roll of insulation material onto the cart. “It’s like NERV all over again.”

Shinji didn’t agree for obvious reasons, but he knew Asuka was exaggerating for her own benefit. “Someone has to take charge,” he pointed out. “And she seems to know what she’s doing.”

“ _Her_? Knowing what she’s doing? Give me a break.” Asuka began pushing the cart for the door. “Come on, let’s get this on the truck.”

Shinji sighed as he followed along. On the way he glanced over at the candy selection at the exit and grabbed a bar of chocolate for himself. On grocery store raids they were usually more focused on actual meals instead of snacks, since that was relatively more important. He’d never thought to grab one of these until now.

They emerged into the parking lot and began loading the insulation into the flatbed, next to the timber Ms. Misato had already brought out.

“Asuka, can I be honest with you?”

Asuka bit back the urge to say “I don’t know, can you?” “What is it?” she asked instead.

“You’re being _really_ mean to her.”

“Me? Mean? Whatever made you think that?”

“You tried to beat her up last night.”

Asuka nearly lost her grip on the insulation. After steadying herself, she sighed. “That house is too small,” she grumbled. “Can’t wait for us to have our own rooms again.”

“Asuka, why do you hate her so much?”

Asuka thought for a moment. “Do you remember how I felt when it seemed like my entire world was ending?”

Shinji knew exactly how she had felt. That was one of the things about Instrumentality: he now had complete knowledge of most of her feelings, especially during a time where he had been so closed off he had no idea of any of Asuka’s intentions or emotions. So he nodded.

“Where was Major Katsuragi when all that was happening?”

“She was busy! Continuing Kaji’s work, trying to find out all she could about NERV and SEELE! You know that!”

“Yeah, meanwhile I was supposed to be under her care and she didn’t do shit when I ran away!”

“She sent Section-2 to look for you! She did the same for me when I ran away!”

“But it was always about you, Shinji!” There it was. “Don’t you get it? She only cared about your well-being, she never gave a damn about mine!”

“Well that’s because I—” and Shinji immediately stopped talking.

“Because you what?” Asuka asked, puzzled.

No response.

And then it hit her. “If you were about to say it was because you were more important, I swear…”

Silence.

Asuka couldn’t hide her disappointment in Shinji. “You know…” she said slowly. “…I almost thought we were making progress there.” She grabbed the empty cart and rolled it back into the store.

Shinji closed his eyes. _Stay calm. You hurt her feelings._

**She’s a fucking bitch.**

_She’s allowed to feel hurt._

**Why can’t she be more like a grown-up?**

_Because she’s a child, just like you._

He opened his eyes. No sign of Asuka. He had a feeling he should give her some space.

He needed a distraction. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the candy bar he had grabbed and unwrapped it.

The sweetness soothed him, but it also made him a little sad. Simple pleasures like this weren’t going to last forever in this world. Not unless the entire world suddenly emerged from Instrumentality right then and there, and society would start all over again. Even if that were to happen, would he even have a place in that society? Everyone would know he was responsible for what had happened.

Shinji was only about halfway through the candy bar when he had the distinct feeling he was being watched.

He looked in his immediate surroundings. No one by the car. He looked at the door. Asuka and Ms. Misato hadn’t emerged yet. He looked to the roof of the store. Nothing he could see. He looked out into the parking lot. A bear. He looked back towards the store. Still no sign of Asuka or—

Wait.

He slowly turned out to look at the parking lot. There, in the distance at the edge of the parking lot, was a bear, staring straight at him.

Every instinct in Shinji’s body told him he needed to run into the store to tell Ms. Misato there was a bear outside. She would be able to tell him what to do. But he couldn’t move. His feet seemed to be planted to the ground from fear.

**Run away, Shinji. Run.**

No movement.

**Get away, Shinji. Save yourself!**

No movement.

Shinji was frozen in place.

The bear continued to stare at him.

And then it started to move.

* * *

**Parental Instincts**

Misato looked at the saw. Never in her life had she imagined she would need to shop for craft supplies like this.

She’d thought about buying a power saw, but figured they shouldn’t be too reliant on electricity for this process. Honestly that backup generator could probably take it, but if it broke on them they had no means or skill to fix it. So it was hand saws, screwdrivers, a nail gun, and some battery-powered drills for now.

She was on her way towards the door when she nearly collided with Asuka, who was pushing her own cartful of materials.

“Watch where you’re going!” Asuka snapped.

“I’m sorry,” Misato said. “Please, go in front.”

Asuka didn’t move. “What’s your game here?”

Misato blinked. “My…what?”

“Coming back. Helping us. What’s your goal?”

“Asuka, this isn’t really the time or place to—”

“Are you trying to make up for everything that NERV did? Everything that you did?”

She didn’t answer right away. _Am I?_

“Asuka.” Misato gripped the cart’s handles, then said with infinite patience, “I have done things that I am not proud of, and I think we can both agree there’s nothing I can do to make up for it. But I’m here right now because I _want_ to be here for you two.”

“Liar. You’re here for Shinji and you know it.”

“If I were only here for Shinji I would have left with him in the night. I’m here for you as much as I am for him.”

Asuka hesitated. These words clearly had some sort of effect. But she shook off her confusion and doubled down. “You couldn’t give a shit about me even if you tried.”

“Well I’m sorry you feel that way.” And Misato pushed the cart towards the door.

They’d barely made it out when Misato saw Shinji standing there. “Shinji? What are you—” and then she saw it.

A bear. Not a fully-grown bear, but still a large one. It was walking straight towards Shinji, who held in his hand a chocolate bar.

 _Does it want him? Does it want the chocolate?_ No time to figure it out.

Asuka followed immediately behind her. “Hey. Hey! I’m not done talking to—” and then she froze where she stood.

“Both of you!” Misato whispered urgently. “In the truck, now!”

Asuka immediately made a dash for the passenger-side door while Misato sprinted to the driver side, keeping her eye on the bear. She grabbed the key and turned the engine on. As she purposely kept the truck in park, she pressed her foot on the gas a few times and slammed her hand on the horn.

The noise from the truck seemed to give the bear pause, but after a moment it continued forward, straight for—

“Shinji!”

Shinji stood where he’d been before, frozen in terror.

“Why isn’t he moving?!” Asuka cried out.

“He’s terrified! …Damn it!” Misato pulled her gun from her holster, made sure it was loaded, then kicked open the door and fired two shots into the air.

That seemed to make the bear hesitate again. It also shook Shinji out of his daze, although getting grabbed by Misato and thrown right on top of Asuka also worked.

Misato clambered back into the car and slammed the door before hitting her hand on the horn once more.

The bear remained where it stood, now apparently gauging its next move.

“It’s right there, just shoot it!” Asuka called out as she and Shinji struggled to get situated in a less-tangled position.

“Waste of ammunition,” Misato replied. She took the truck out of park and stepped on the gas. The truck sped away from the store.

“Wait, what about the other carts?!” Shinji asked as he finally managed to sit upright.

“We’re not leaving, we’re—look, just grab onto something!” She spun the wheel to the left, sending Shinji and Asuka flying into the door and several pieces of their supplies off of the flatbed.

The truck was now facing in the direction of the bear. Another step on the gas, and it began speeding straight towards it.

Message received. The bear immediately turned tail and fled from the parking lot.

Misato slammed her foot on the break, bringing the truck to an abrupt stop.

“Are you two okay?” she asked, turning to the kids.

It would be impossible to really describe the position Shinji and Asuka were in beyond saying they were tangled up much the same way parallel lines are not.

“Me? I’m just peachy,” Asuka said sarcastically. She poked her elbow at the giant mass that was now underneath _her_. “What about you, Shinji?”

“Great,” Shinji groaned.

Misato put the truck in park, and the three of them clambered out to survey the damage.

“Is it gone?” Shinji asked as he rubbed his neck.

“Of course it is,” Asuka replied. Then she gave Shinji a shove. “What the hell were you thinking, you moron?!”

“I was scared!” Shinji protested.

“So you stayed put?! You could have been killed!” She gave him another shove.

“Hey, hey!” Misato called out, immediately making a move towards them. “Asuka, leave him alone!” She managed to grab Asuka and pull her away from Shinji, and put herself between the two. “Are you okay?” she asked Shinji.

“Seriously?” Asuka asked. “I didn’t even shove him that hard!”

“I was talking about the bear!”

“I’m fine,” Shinji said. “For, uh, both things.”

Misato put her arms around him and hugged him close. “Don’t do that to us again, Shinji, okay?”

Asuka gave her a disgusted look. “Are you coddling him? Again?! For being an idiot?”

“Asuka!” Misato let go of Shinji and turned to her. "You're not helping things!"

“How could you be so stupid?!” Asuka shouted around Misato. “When there’s danger, you run! If that bear killed you, I would’ve—” She stopped.

“You would’ve what?” Shinji asked.

Asuka looked at the ground. “Nothing. You’re just lucky Major Katsuragi got you when she did.”

Any other day, Misato would’ve ribbed on Asuka for almost saying how much she cared about Shinji. But she knew better than to tease Asuka at this moment. “Alright. You two work on emptying the carts into the truck. I’ll see what I can salvage from the stuff that fell out. Anything that’s broken, we’ll get more of it from the store, but I want to get out of here as soon as possible. Okay?”

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Asuka replied, heading over to the carts.

Shinji looked at Misato. “Are _you_ okay?” he asked.

“Me? I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

“Your hands are shaking.”

Misato consciously steadied her hands. “I’ll manage.”

* * *

The ride back to the house passed without incident. Both Shinji and Asuka rode in the passenger seat at Misato’s insistence.

Asuka hazarded a glance over at Misato. Their guardian was watching the road like a hawk, clearly on the lookout for any predators looking to make a snack out of her charges.

She really didn’t know what to think of her. On the one hand, she still felt resentment—this was the woman who allowed her to nearly starve to death after Kaji left. And she was the one who tried to manipulate Shinji by kissing him.

Not that Asuka was jealous or anything. I mean, how could she be jealous? It wasn’t like it would _actually_ work between those two.

Definitely not jealous.

At all.

Nope.

Nuh-uh.

No jealousy whatsoever.

Where was she going with this?

Oh right, resentment. But on the other hand, she couldn’t deny just how quickly she had sprung into action the moment they were in danger.

Well, the moment Shinji was in danger.

The truck came to a stop in front of the house.

“Huh, made it back before dinner,” Misato remarked.

It took Shinji a moment to ask, “How do you know?”

“Dashboard clock’s working,” she replied. She pointed at the dashboard. Sure enough, the hands on the analog clock read _4_ _:34_. “Must be on a separate battery. But that gives us something we can use to set our watches. Alright, let’s just rest for today, we can start some proper work tomorrow.”

They opened the car doors and began making their way towards the house.

“Wait a minute.”

Misato stopped. “Yes, Asuka?”

Asuka shifted her weight. “I…”

Misato waited patiently.

“… thanks for scaring the bear off.”

“You’re welcome.”

* * *

That night, Shinji dreamt he was at school.

* * *

_The halls were empty. Lockers hung open with their contents spilling out onto the floor: discarded backpacks, old tests, homework assignments._

_He'd had this dream before. He knew where he needed to go._

_He stopped before the door to his old classroom, 2-A, and went inside._

_A crowded room full of students. His old classmates were among the group: Hikari, Kensuke, Toji. Everyone was grinning at him._

_He looked at two empty seats: those of Asuka and Rei. Of course they wouldn’t be here._

_“Ah, Shinji Ikari,” the decrepit old teacher said. “We’ve been waiting for you.”_

_“Hurry up, Shinji,” Toji said. “Our education cost an arm and a leg! Well… maybe not an arm…”_

_Shinji looked at the floor. He was standing in a puddle of blood, which trailed from the stump of Toji’s leg._

_Shinji walked to his seat, treading bloody footprints as he moved._

_“Now,” the teacher said. “Our lesson for today: The Third Impact. On January 1, 2016, Shinji Ikari jerked himself off over the body of his defenseless friend and refused to help her, resulting in the death of the entire world. Now, would anyone like to share where you were when Shinji killed you?”_

_“Oh, I can!” Hikari said cheerfully. “I was having lunch with my two sisters! Then Ayanami appeared in the room and told us we were too lonely to keep on living!” She looked directly at Shinji. “Then we melted, Shinji!”_

_“We all melted, Shinji,” another classmate said, agreeing. “You know that, right? Everyone melted into a big orange pool!”_

_“We haven’t seen Asuka for days, though!” said another. “Perhaps she came back to enact our revenge!”_

_“But wait! If she did you would be dead now, wouldn’t you?”_

_“The German whore is now sleeping with her own killer!”_

_“I didn’t kill her!” Shinji shouted._

_Shouts rang out in the classroom. Shouts Shinji had heard many, many times in his dreams._

_“You left her to die!”_

_“You abandoned her!”_

_“You betrayed her!”_

_He tried to cover his ears in vain. “She forgave me!”_

_“No she didn’t,” Toji said. “She’s tolerating your existence, but she will never forgive you. You know that as well as us.”_

_Shinji didn’t answer. They were right._

_“And even if she does,” Kensuke continued. “We won't, Shinji,” He stood up. “If she and Major Katsuragi can come back, so can we.”_

_The entire class stood up with him. Their eyes were replaced by a glowing white light._

_“We will find you when we return, Shinji. We're coming for you. We're all coming for you.”_

* * *

Shinji opened his eyes to find Asuka’s face right above, staring at him from the couch.

“What?!” he said, moving away.

“You were talking in your sleep,” she said. “I was trying to figure out what you were saying.”

Shinji looked at his watch, which Misato had helped him set to the truck’s clock. 2:18 AM. Still night. “Sorry, did I wake you up?”

“Nah. I… I haven’t been sleeping very well anyway. What were you dreaming about?”

Shinji plopped back down on his pillow. “School.”

Asuka smirked. “Leave it to you to dream about school.”

“No, not like that. Our classmates. All telling me they were going to come for me when they returned.” He looked at Asuka. “It’s not the first time I’ve had that dream.”

Asuka laughed. “Those weaklings wouldn’t be able to lay a finger on you. They’d have to get through me, first!”

Shinji looked at her. “You used to be one of them.”

Asuka’s smile faltered. “What do you mean by that?”

“Before you returned. You were also in that dream.”

Silence.

“Was I—” she stopped. She wanted to ask if she was “nice.” But she knew the answer. “…I was the worst of them all, wasn’t I?”

He didn’t respond. But she knew she was right on the mark.

“You know,” Asuka said slowly. “Just so we can clear something up from today…you _were_ more important.”

Shinji looked at her. “I was?”

“Yeah. Because you didn’t know how to take care of yourself, you moron!” Her expression softened. “That’s why you need me.”

And then she made a decision. She grabbed her pillow and blanket and began to climb down from the sofa.

“What are you—"

“Don’t interpret this as anything other than a friendly gesture.” She lay down right next to Shinji, shut her eyes, and started snoring. Only, the way it sounded she was definitely faking it.

Shinji stared at her, partially out of puzzlement that she felt the need to fake sleeping noises, but also the fact that she was intentionally choosing to sleep next to him.

As he tried to figure out what he should do, her eyes shot open and she glared at him. “This is not an invitation to cuddle!” she hissed. And then she started to fake-snore again.

Shinji quickly lay back down on his pillow and stared at the ceiling. He thought about what she had said about him not knowing how to take care of himself.

She was right. It was why he needed her.

But then again, it was also why he needed Ms. Misato.

“Asuka?”

“…”

“Asuka, I know you’re awake.”

“…fine, what is it?”

“Could you try to be nicer to Ms. Misato tomorrow?”

Asuka glared at him. “That’s a tall order, Shinji.”

“Asuka, I’m serious.”

“So am I! I mean, what do you expect from me? We redheads are known for being bi—”

“Asuka! Do it for me, okay?”

She let out a frustrated sigh. “I will…try to be a little more civil tomorrow.”

“Thank you.” He closed his eyes and, after a moment, began to snore gently.

Asuka watched him for a while longer before closing her own eyes. “Don’t thank me yet,” she muttered as she nodded off.


	5. The Shopping Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group goes on a shopping trip, and Misato learns the hard way that emulating the past isn't a good idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May 7, 2020
> 
> Hey all, UberVenkman here. I don't want to be one of those fic writers who always airs their thoughts on their own works, but I'm gonna preface this chapter by saying it might feel a little out of place from the rest of the fic, and that's mainly because I went back and wrote it yesterday because I thought the story needed to stay in a particular place for a little longer. So if there's a dip in quality, I apologize, think of this as a fanfiction equivalent of a "filler episode."

No dreams of blood, but Misato dreamt she heard voices. Memories of friendly conversations, past lovers, happier days. Memories that only reminded her how much she had lost.

She wasn’t used to waking up earlier than the kids. Her circadian rhythm probably had a hard reset after Instrumentality.

She climbed out of bed and immediately started scratching at the itches around her body. The kids hadn’t grabbed any pajamas in her size, so she had taken to using the shirts that were left in the closet. None of them were exactly sleeping material, but they made do for now.

She hung up the old shirt and began putting on her regular clothes, which already had a sort of funky smell to them from being soaked in LCL. Today was the perfect day to go clothes shopping. She would bring it up to Asuka and Shinji at breakfast.

As she hung the shirt up in the closet her gaze rested on the tally marks that covered its walls.

They had a sense of what time it was thanks to the truck. And Misato had a good idea of what month it was based on these tally marks.

She had a suspicion Shinji did, too.

She opened the bedroom door and headed to the living room to see if the kids were up, only to nearly trip over herself upon seeing them lying next to each other.

She wished she had a camera. She wanted to take a photo, label it “The Morning After,” and then show it to them in ten years’ time at a party just to embarrass them.

* * *

**Episode 5: The Shopping Trip**

While Shinji prepared breakfast, Asuka and Misato sat at the table. Misato wasn’t really paying attention to Asuka at the moment. She seemed engrossed in the blueprints for the roof.

_Civil. I can be civil._

“How did you sleep?” Asuka hazarded a casual conversation starter.

Misato blinked. She looked at Asuka. She looked to her left. She looked to her right. She looked back at Asuka. “Are you talking to me?”

Asuka squinted at her. “Who else would I be talking to?”

Misato thought for a moment. “I slept well,” she said with a cheerful undertone. “Thank you for asking.”

Asuka looked away. “You’re welcome,” she mumbled.

“What was that?” Misato teased.

Asuka felt the sudden urge to scream at her, only to notice Shinji watching the conversation. So she stayed silent.

Breakfast was rice, soy sauce, and some reconstituted powdered egg… again.

“I’m getting a little sick of this stuff,” Asuka said as she poked at it with her spoon.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t,” Shinji agreed. “You know, getting a chicken isn’t a terrible idea.”

Misato smirked. “You two were thinking of getting a chicken?

“For the eggs,” Shinji explained. “Or meat, if we wanted to try making our own chicken stock.”

“A chicken’s a big responsibility,” Misato remarked. “Any pet is. You sure you want to commit to owning a chicken as your first pet?”

“Well, it’d be more livestock than a pet,” Asuka replied. Then she thought for a moment. “Wait a second…we’ve had pets.”

“We have?” Shinji asked, confused.

Asuka looked at him. “We had a penguin!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Misato replied with dead seriousness as she took another bite of food. “Pen-Pen was more of a roommate than a pet.”

“Exactly,” Shinji said with a nod.

The room was quiet for a moment as Shinji and Misato continued eating while Asuka stared at them in disbelief.

“Do you think he’s okay?” Shinji asked.

Misato stopped eating. “What do you mean?”

“Well…he was with Hikari, wasn’t he? Animals weren’t really affected by Third Impact, so…” He thought about how to phrase it. “…Hikari left him alone.” Oh no, that was terrible.

Asuka squinted. “Way to put a damper on breakfast, Shinji.”

“Sorry. Oh, uh, I mean—”

“Apology accepted. Eat your powdered chicken.”

Misato lowered her spoon. She hadn’t really given Pen-Pen’s status that much thought. Suddenly she felt the urge to run to the truck, get in, drive to wherever the Horaki family had evacuated and reunite with Pen-Pen in a dramatic scene out of something from a romantic drama. They would see each other from a distance, than dramatically run towards each other as a flourish of music swelled in the background, and they would be in each other’s arms and—

Wait…why was she picturing her and Pen-Pen as the romantic leads?

“Pen-Pen can fend for himself,” she said quickly as she tried to forget the thought. “He could have lived in our apartment for months on his own if he wanted.”

Shinji gave a nervous laugh. “He might have some opinions about having another bird in the house.”

“We’d keep the chicken in the backyard, obviously,” Asuka replied. “That’s where the dumb birds go.”

“Careful now,” Misato smiled. “If Pen-Pen sees us do that, he might start a bird liberation movement.”

Shinji laughed. Asuka refused to laugh, but she couldn’t help but smirk a bit, which was all Misato needed.

“So I was thinking,” she said between bites. “Since we’re gonna be doing a lot of work over the next few days, I should probably go clothes shopping.”

“You know where the mall is,” Asuka said dismissively.

There was a pause.

“I was actually thinking the two of you could come along,” Misato continued.

“What?” Asuka lowered her spoon. “We went out yesterday! Why didn’t you just buy stuff then?”

“Well I suppose that would have been smart, except, you know, we were attacked by a bear.”

“Why do you need us? We already have everything we need from that mall!”

“Yeah? And what’d you get? Clothes? A radio? A toolkit? Some camping food?”

Shinji looked confused. “What’s wrong with that?”

“What about movies? Or video games? Or comic books? You two have really done well focusing on surviving, but you’re still kids. You need stimulation. Why not go on a supply run for something other than the bare essentials?”

Shinji looked at Asuka. “That could be fun.”

Asuka pursed her lips. “Fine,” she said. “But if you see another bear, Shinji, you’d better book it!”

* * *

Misato looked at herself in the mirror.

First there was the scar just below her breasts, her injury from Second Impact.

Then there were the exit wounds along her stomach, from her disastrous final mission to get Shinji into Unit 01. The wounds that led to her death.

No, she couldn’t dwell on that. She had died, but she came back. She was getting a second chance. She would raise Asuka and Shinji the way she had always wanted to.

The morning had been surprisingly pleasant. Asuka had actually toned down her sarcastic comments for once. They were on the right track. So she could have a little fun with them today.

She grabbed the tank top and threw it on, only to immediately frown when she realized the cut of it didn’t cover her exit wounds.

She took it off and tossed it into the corner. That was the discard pile.

She looked at the pile of clothes she’d grabbed. She had a feeling more than half of these were gonna join that pile.

* * *

“What’s taking her so long?” Asuka asked.

“She went in with a lot of clothes,” Shinji replied.

“She does know there’s no one here who will clean up after her, right?”

Shinji looked at Asuka, then looked at the mess they’d left in the aisles only a week before. Then he looked back at Asuka.

“Touché,” she snorted.

“Well, how do I look?” a cheerful voice asked.

Shinji and Asuka looked at her and did a double-take. She was wearing a low cut tank top which very much accentuated her cleavage, and a pair of very, _very_ short jeans.

“I think it suits me, right?” she asked.

“Are you kidding me?” Asuka asked. “When the hell have you ever worn something like that?!”

“Clearly you didn’t know me in college,” Misato replied. “Besides, I’m not planning to wear this all the time. This is just something to wear around the house.” She purposely bent forward towards Shinji. “What do you think?” she asked.

Shinji somehow managed to keep his gaze on her face. “I… don’t think it’s a problem.”

“There, see? Shinji likes it.”

“He would,” Asuka replied sarcastically, glancing down at Shinji’s lap.

It took Shinji a second to realize what she was insinuating, and then he had to actually look down to see if he was incriminating himself. Thankfully, he wasn’t.

“Made you look, pervert,” Asuka snickered. “Alright, fine, who are we to tell you what to wear?”

“Great! I’ll model some more things for the two of you!” Misato disappeared back into the dressing rooms.

“God,” Asuka muttered. “Talk about disgusting.”

Shinji looked at her. “What? She’s trying on new clothes.”

“Yeah, but does she have to be so provocative about it? It’s _so_ over the top.”

Shinji thought. “Well…I guess it's a _little_ much.”

“Well then tell her to stop.”

“Why should I tell her to stop? She’s clearly having fun.”

“Yeah, well…I’m not! How’s that for a reason?”

A moment later Misato returned. “Well?”

Shinji and Asuka looked at her. This time Misato had selected a black tube top, a miniskirt, and fishnets.

“…why would you need an outfit like _that_?” Asuka asked in disbelief.

“When they open up the nightclubs again!” Misato said with an exaggerated party girl edge. “I’m gonna get wasted and dance the night away!” She did a little dance. “What do you think, Shinji?”

Shinji stared at Misato for a moment. “Well…” He glanced over at Asuka, who was looking increasingly annoyed. “…shouldn’t you maybe focus more on clothes you can work in?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well we’re gonna be building a roof for the next week or so, you need something a little more…conservative.”

Misato stared at him. “Conservative.”

“Yeah, like…overalls.”

“There you go!” Asuka said. She didn’t appreciate that Shinji hadn’t outright said “stop being provocative,” but she would take what she could get. “Here.” She went over to a shelf, grabbed a pair of some plain denim overalls, and handed it to Misato. “The perfect casual labor fashion. You can get as much dirt and grime on it and it’ll still look presentable.”

Misato looked at the overalls doubtfully. “Well, okay.” She took them and went back to the changing rooms.

“There see?” Asuka said. “It’s amazing what a backbone can do for you.”

“If you say so,” Shinji replied.

A few minutes later Misato returned. “This conservative enough for you?”

Shinji and Asuka looked, and then both fell off the bench at the exact same time.

Misato had chosen to wear the overalls… _and nothing else underneath_.

“Glad you two remember my sync training,” Misato mused. “Well? How do I look?”

Shinji stared. And then he started laughing. “What the hell, Ms. Misato?!” he cackled.

Misato was laughing too. “Oh my god!” she howled. “The look on your faces with the first one! I thought _I_ was gonna be the first to break!”

Asuka wasn’t laughing. She was fuming.

“Why can’t you act like an adult for once in your life?!” she screamed before running off.

* * *

**A Heart to Heart  
**

Shinji found Asuka in the video store, running her fingers through a selection of horror movies.

“Hey,” he said.

Asuka didn’t respond.

“Can we talk?” he asked.

Asuka sighed. “About what?”

“You kind of…” He was going to say “exploded,” but thought the better of it. “…are you okay?”

Asuka pulled out one of the films. “ _Tetsuo_ ,” she read the title. “Sounds like a laugh.”

“I’ve…seen this one actually,” Shinji said. “You uh… you wouldn’t like it.”

“Really? Is there a lot of gore?” She squinted at him. “I know what this movie is, Shinji, just because I grew up in Germany doesn’t mean I don’t know Japanese cinema. How did you see it anyway?”

“Toji showed it to Kensuke and me one time.”

“God, you three had too much time on your hands.”

“Asuka.”

She sighed. “It’s too much like before.”

“What is?”

“The revealing clothing? Showing her figure off to you? The flirting? Shinji, she’s been back for two days and she’s already falling back into her old habits!”

“She’s just joking around!”

“Is that what you think? What if she decides to kiss you again? That’d complicate things, wouldn’t it?”

He hadn’t thought of that. He really _didn’t_ want to think about that. But he wasn’t the point. “Asuka, she’s just trying to get back into the rhythm of things.”

Asuka moved away from him and began looking through the family films section. “ _My Neighbor Totoro_ ,” she said. “Ah, now there’s a supernatural creature I can get behind. Imagine if the angels were all giant Totoros.”

Shinji gave a frustrated groan. “Look, I can’t tell you I understand how you feel about her, but I hurt you more than she ever did and you were still nicer to me when you returned than you ever were previously! Why can’t you extend that same courtesy to her?! What’s so different about me?!”

Asuka furiously turned to him. “You know _exactly_ what’s different about you Shinji!”

They stared at each other for a very long time.

“Asuka,” Shinji said patiently. “Just… _talk_ to her.”

Asuka sighed. “Fine.” She slammed the tape into Shinji’s chest as she brushed past him. “We’re watching this tonight, by the way.”

* * *

Asuka found Misato sitting on a bench just outside the store. Misato still wore the overalls, but she was now wearing a baggy t-shirt underneath in preparation for their planned construction work.

“Hey,” she said.

Asuka sat down next to Misato. “Just so you know,” she said. “I’m only doing this because Shinji told me to.”

“You’re listening to Shinji?” Misato mused. “That’s new.”

Asuka laughed sarcastically. “Couldn’t believe it either.”

They sat in silence for a long time.

Asuka took a deep breath. “What in the name of God made you think that stunt you pulled today was in any way appropriate?”

“I was just trying to have a little fun.”

“Well that’s not fun for me! Everyone died, Major Katsuragi! You and I _both_ died! And you’re acting like you have a free pass to behave the exact same way before that happened! When you act like that, I only think of everything you did _wrong_.”

Misato was quiet for a moment. “I see your point. I’m sorry.”

More silence.

Misato lowered her head. “What do you want from me, Asuka?” she asked. “Tell me.”

**What _do_ you want from her, Asuka?**

“I want you to go away.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“And why not?”

“I’m not leaving you two alone. I’m sorry Asuka, but that’s a non-starter.”

“Well then we seem to be at an impasse.”

“Asuka, I’m _trying_. I really am. But I need something to work with here.”

“What are you ‘trying’? To get me to forgive and forget? Because we already established that’s not going to happen.”

“Asuka, I don’t want you to forgive me. Hell I don’t expect you to. But right now I’m in the same boat as you and Shinji. I’m not saying I understand exactly what you’ve been through, but at the moment all three of us are in the same situation—we’re trying to survive together.”

Asuka was quiet for a moment. “…I see your point,” she said finally.

“So… are we good?”

“We are _not_. Regardless of what you’re trying to do, _I don’t trust you_.”

The words hurt. But Misato refused to show it.

“But… I think I get what you’re asking me to do.” Asuka stood up. “Thanks, by the way.”

“For what?”

“For trying. I appreciate the effort.”

“…you’re welcome.”

* * *

When they got home they spent the entire afternoon getting things ready. Misato used the saw to trim the timber they’d gathered to their design specifications, while Shinji and Asuka took down the tarps on the second floor. Once that was finished, they got to work on installing the frame. Shinji and Asuka mostly stayed on the floor and handed up the pieces to Misato so she could drill them in, only occasionally climbing a ladder or standing on a box in order to hold something in place.

By the end of the day they had most of the frame installed. Their project was really taking shape.

After dinner, Misato went to have a look at the television and found out the issue was actually with a broken wire. After mending it they turned it on, inserted the tape, and watched the film together.

Misato sat on the couch while Asuka and Shinji sat on the floor. It was a fun movie: the three of them laughed at the antics of Totoro and the kids in the movie, and cheered with delight at moments like the Catbus coming to help find Mei.

For a little over an hour, they forgot about angels, and Evas, and the end of the world. It was the most fun any of them had had in a very long time.

* * *

After the film was over Misato returned to her bedroom, while Asuka watched Shinji get ready to sleep.

“Shinji?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you so willing to forgive her?”

“Asuka, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Well I do. She forced you to pilot the Eva. She basically molested you in order to do that. Yet you seem perfectly happy to let her go about her day.”

Shinji sighed. “I know what’s in her heart. When Instrumentality happened, I saw everything she went through to try to protect me. So… I think she deserves a little more credit.”

“Yeah?” She looked away. “I saw her heart too. And it only makes me feel worse.”

Shinji was quiet.

“Apparently you have it in your heart to forgive and I don’t.” She sighed and muttered, “That’s what’ll always make you better than me.”

Shinji looked up. “What did you just say?”

“I said you’re better than me, Shinji. Enjoy it, because I’m not saying it again.”

Silence.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Shinji said as he lay down to sleep.

Asuka stared at him. What wasn't true? That she was better than him? Or that she would never forgive Katsuragi?

She thought about asking. Instead, she grabbed her pillow and blanket, threw them down next to him, and once again lay down to sleep by his side.

Shinji did nothing to stop her. Not even when she took his arm, put it over her shoulder, and promptly went to sleep.

* * *

When Misato woke up the next morning in her new pajamas, the first thing she did was go out into the living room to check on her two charges. She was very surprised to discover a sleeping Asuka clinging to a very much wide awake Shinji.

Okay, now _this_ was the “Morning After” photo she wanted to take.

Shinji, seeing Misato, opened his eyes even wider, as if to say _I know what this looks like_. Or judging by the way he was bending his leg, _I have to pee but I don’t want to wake her up_.

Misato smiled warmly and mouthed, _Just go_.

Shinji awkwardly pulled Asuka’s arms off of him and sprinted past Misato to the bathroom.

Misato laughed to herself as she stood there in the hallway. Personally, it was hard for her to believe they _hadn’t_ gotten up to anything before she showed up.

Then she looked back at her room and frowned. Then again, there were a lot of things that happened before she returned that she didn’t know a whole lot about.

When Shinji emerged, he found Misato standing there with her arms crossed. “Yes?” he asked.

Misato took a deep breath. “Could you come to my room for a minute? There’s something we should talk about.”


	6. Landmines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything falls apart.

Asuka dreamt vividly that night.

* * *

_It was snowing. It never snowed in Tokyo-3, and certainly not when they lived in Misato's apartment. But right now she was in her room in the apartment, and she was watching snow fall outside the window._

_She imagined it was freezing cold, and the only warmth was Shinji, who she found sleeping on the floor. It didn't make any sense for him to be sleeping on the floor, since he'd had his own room for most of the time they lived there. But there he was, fast asleep, the only heat source she could find._

_She knelt down next to him and wrapped her arms around him. She let the heat of his body warm her up._

_Two bodies, tangled together, holding each other for warmth and comfort._

* * *

When she awoke to find Shinji gone, she at first thought, “of course, because Shinji and I would never lie together like this in real life,” only to realize, “wait a second, we _did_ sleep together last night,” and then think, “well then where the hell is he?”

* * *

**Episode 6: Landmines**

Shinji didn’t like the look on Misato’s face. It was almost like he was being tested about something.

“Is something wrong?” Shinji asked nervously as he closed the door behind him.

“Shinji, what month is it?”

He blinked. “I… I don’t know. Why would I know what month it is?”

“Well,” Misato said slowly. “I get the impression you’ve been keeping track.”

Shinji swallowed. He knew where this was going. “What makes you say that?”

Misato walked over to the closet and swung the door open. “This,” she said.

Shinji stared at the tally marks covering the walls of the closet.

“Was this you?”

He looked at Misato and nodded nervously.

“There’s 223 tally marks in here.”

“I know,” he said.

"Do these mean what I think they mean?"

"They do."

There was a long silence.

She pointed to a section of the wall between tally marks that was completely blank. “What happened here?”

He took a deep breath. “I stopped tracking for a little while,” he admitted. “I wasn’t in the right headspace.”

“Do you have a rough guess how many you skipped before you started tracking again?”

He shook his head.

“Shinji, even without those, this adds up to 7 months.”

“I know,” he said.

“ _7 months_ , Shinji.”

“I **know** ,” he said, sounding annoyed.

A brief pause.

“Shinji, why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t lie. I said I didn’t know what month it was.”

“You also said you arrived only a few weeks ago. _Clearly_ that isn’t the case, so why did you lie to me?”

“…I didn’t think it mattered.”

“Well it matters to me, Shinji.”

Silence.

“Does Asuka know about this?”

Silence, and another headshake.

“She’s been back for a week and you haven’t told her _you were alone for more than half a year_?”

“I don’t want her to worry about me!” he exclaimed. “We were barely surviving together as it was, I didn’t want to throw another thing on her plate like worrying about my sanity!”

“Shinji, she’s your friend! She has every right to worry about you!”

“But…she’s more than just a friend, Ms. Misato!”

“Based on your new sleeping arrangement I’d agree.”

“No…No! It’s not like that, it’s more…” He trailed off, unsure how to describe it. Then, to his surprise, he started to laugh.

“…Shinji…?” Misato asked slowly.

He managed to compose himself. “I was just remembering…” he said. “When Asuka finally showed up a week ago, I actually tried to kill her!”

“You _what_?”

“I thought I was hallucinating, because why would she ever come back to me? Why would anyone I was close with come back to me? Why would _you_ , Ms. Misato? Everything I did, it only hurt the people around me, right up til the end! So why would she of all people return? It had to be a trick! But you know what she did even though I was trying to hurt her again?”

A small silence. “What did she do?”

“She tried to comfort me.” He looked at the floor. “It was the first time she ever showed me real, actual affection. And now I’ve spent the last week apologizing for everything I’ve done—gradually, because she doesn’t think I can do it all at once—and she’s been skirting around topics like they’re landmines because she’s trying to heal from the same hurt I felt, and now you’re here and she’s dealing with that in her own way…” he took a deep breath. “If I told her how long I was alone… she’d pity me. It’d be too much, Ms. Misato. I can’t do that to her.”

Misato stared at Shinji. "I don't understand... you don't want to be _pitied_?"

He nodded.

Then she understood. "Because then she would think you're worse off than her. You feel like she’s the only one you can be close to now because of how much you went through together."

He nodded again.

On the one hand, it was good to hear that Asuka and Shinji were cooperating. But on the other hand… Shinji’s attitude towards withholding information so he could stay close with Asuka… “Shinji, that’s codependency. That’s not friendship, that’s not love, that’s… it doesn’t work. You owe each other more than that.”

He looked down at the ground in shame. Clearly this had been affecting him for some time.

Finally, she walked over to Shinji and pulled him into a hug. “Well… I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same,” she admitted. “But… I think she deserves to know.”

“I’ll tell her when she’s ready,” Shinji said.

“Tell me what?” Asuka asked from the doorway, startling both Shinji and Misato.

“Just… something,” Shinji said quickly as he stepped out of Misato’s embrace.

Asuka squinted. The overwhelming impression she got was Misato and Shinji sharing a tender moment.

_Another_ tender moment.

She didn’t like that.

She didn’t like that at all.

* * *

Breakfast was an omelet made with reconstituted egg product and some vegetables.

It was very, _very_ bland.

“You know,” Misato remarked as she poked at the omelet. “We might want to fast-track the chicken idea.” She pulled out a ramen soup base packet and sprinkled some of it on the omelet.

Shinji blinked. “So that’s where that went.”

“You judge now, just wait til you go to college.” She tasted the omelet and gave an approving nod. “Better than salt.” She offered him the packet.

Shinji laughed. “I’ll just take your word for it.”

_They seem awfully chummy today,_ Asuka thought to herself. “Hey Shinji,” she said. “I just remembered…we haven’t done our daily radio broadcast in a while.”

“Oh yeah! I guess these last few days have been a little too crazy.”

“Let’s do it now!”

“Now? But, we haven’t finished eating…”

Asuka grabbed Shinji by the collar and dragged him over to the desk where they’d set up the radio. She grabbed the transmitter and handed it to Shinji. “Your move.”

“Okay, um…” Shinji cleared his throat. “This is Tokyo-3, broadcasting on all open channels. We are Returnees from Third Impact. Is there anyone out there?”

Silence.

Asuka took the transmitter. “Tokyo-Drei…ist da irgendjemand draußen?”

Silence.

“ _This is Tokyo-3, is anybody out there?_ ”

Silence.

Asuka lowered the mic. “Great work, Shinji,” she said proudly.

Shinji looked at her confusedly. “But… we didn’t hear anyone.”

“Yeah, but we got back on our schedule after a few days of distractions. That means something.”

“We did it for a week already, though. And we still didn’t hear anything.”

“Well maybe you should try some more languages,” Misato suggested. She walked over and took the mic from Asuka. “도쿄-3 입니다. 누구가 듣습니까?”

She listened for a moment.

“Hmm. A little disappointing.” She turned, only to see Shinji and Asuka staring at her. “What?”

“What was that?” Shinji asked.

“I broadcasted your message in Korean. Thought there might be a listening station somewhere over there, maybe in Seoul.”

“How do you know Korean?”

“Guy I dated in college. I’m already fluent in German and English, but I also know Korean, Spanish, Mandarin, and a touch of Arabic.”

Shinji looked excited. “Could you try broadcasting in those three?” he asked.

Misato was about to do so, but then she noticed Asuka, who was glaring at her. “Uh, maybe later.” She added, “I mean, if there’s anyone trying to find people they would respond to any message, not just something in their native language.”

“Oh, I guess that’s true,” Shinji replied. “Maybe we should just broadcast in Japanese from now on.”

“Excuse me?” Asuka asked, realizing the idea _she_ came up with was going down the drain. “Why change it now?”

“Well, we’re not getting results,” Shinji reasoned. “Makes it a waste of time, right?”

Asuka gave him a hard stare. “Fine,” she replied. “Not like there’s anyone out there really listening, after all.”

* * *

After finishing the frame, work that day was spent on building the exterior surface of the roof. Misato decided this would be a completely solo undertaking for her, against Shinji and Asuka’s protests. She claimed didn’t want them climbing around at such a tall height.

So Shinji and Asuka grabbed some books they’d found at the mall and sat in the house’s backyard.

Asuka tried to focus on her comic books, but found it hard to concentrate with all the hammering and occasional cursing coming from above.

“She’s treating us like we’re kids,” she said.

Shinji looked up from his book. “Hmm?”

“She doesn’t want us doing anything dangerous.”

Shinji looked up at the roof, then looked back at Asuka. “Well, we _are_ kids, aren’t we?”

“Shinji, we were EVA pilots. We stared death in the face all the time. Hell, more than one of us _actually_ died.”

Shinji shrugged. “Well, maybe she just doesn’t want us to face that kind of danger again.”

A loud clang and another string of curses.

“I’m telling you, it’s coddling,” Asuka replied. “She only sees us as kids. We can manage on our own.”

He thought for a moment before replying, “You don’t know what it was like here before you came along. I wandered that beach for so long, trying to survive. It’s a miracle I even found this house, I probably would’ve starved to death.”

“Oh, don’t be dramatic,” Asuka replied. “A few weeks isn’t that bad.”

Shinji stared at her in silence, wondering if he should tell her then.

“What?” Asuka asked.

“Nothing,” he said quickly. “Just… I think you still don’t appreciate how great it is to have her back.”

Pause. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“No, not nothing. Are you saying I’m ungrateful? Is that what you’re saying?”

Silence.

“Pardon me for being a little fed up with her trying to act like a parent when she’s done nothing to deserve it. I think—”

“Well I think you’re being a little insensitive,” Shinji said abruptly. He got up with his book and marched back into the house.

Asuka stared in his direction in disbelief. That was _her_ move.

When had Shinji grown such a backbone? And why was his anger directed at _her_ and not Major Katsuragi?

“Hey Asuka!”

Asuka looked up to see Misato staring down at her. “What?”

“Where’s Shinji?”

“He went into the house!”

“Oh? What happened?”

Asuka thought for a moment. She had the distinct feeling she’d said something to tick him off. She wondered why he was so unreceptive to her. Was it something she’d just said? Maybe he hadn’t liked sleeping next to her the previous night. Maybe her choice to cuddle up next to him had put him off, that little prude. Maybe he’d run off into the arms of—

“Asuka?”

She realized Misato was still waiting for her response.

Well, she wasn’t going to dignify her with one.

“Asuka, why did Shinji leave?”

She sat back down and began reading the comic book again.

* * *

Asuka didn’t say anything to Misato for the rest of the week.

* * *

**Silent Treatment**

Every evening Asuka went for a walk.

After journeying some ways she would come across some buildings from a suburb of Tokyo-3. She would look for a building with lots of broken windows, and throw rocks at them.

Then she began coming up with more creative methods of destruction. Sometimes she would find broken pieces of wood and break them on exposed rebar.

Sometimes she would punch at the ruined concrete. At first it only drew blood on her knuckles, but soon she found herself breaking off chunks of it from walls and pillars. She was an Eva pilot: she knew how to throw a punch.

Every night she returned to the house with cuts and bruises. Were it not for their current circumstances, one would assume she’d gotten into a fist fight.

* * *

Misato was worried. But she never brought up Asuka’s injuries because as far as she could tell, Asuka had ceased all communications with her.

She wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. After their heart-to-heart Asuka had seemed a little more willing to entertain the possibility of accepting Misato as a guardian again. But something had changed, and it changed very quickly. Not having her question answered on that first day was an early sign that something was up, then at dinner she realized Asuka was avoiding even making eye contact. But she decided she was just in a mood.

On the second day, while Misato did some further work on the roof, Shinji and Asuka did some interior work, inserting the insulation and applying plywood boards to the ceiling. This separation meant the kids did not talk to Misato as much that day anyway. But it didn’t escape Misato’s attention that Asuka wasn’t really talking at the dinner table.

On the third day, when Misato went back inside to help the kids apply drywall to the ceiling, she realized what was happening. Asuka didn’t say a word whenever she was in the room, but she heard her talking aplenty with Shinji whenever she left.

At their communal meals Misato sometimes raised a topic to try to get Asuka’s attention, but the girl never took the bait. “Are you looking forward to having your own beds?” she asked one time.

“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor,” Shinji replied. “Actually I’m used to it by now.”

“True. But now you’ll also have your own rooms.”

Asuka looked up at Shinji from her food for a moment before immediately looking back down.

“Yeah, I… I guess we will.”

* * *

Shinji had noticed that Asuka wasn’t talking to Misato very early on. He’d also noticed the bruises and cuts whenever she came back from her walks. However, he was a little more concerned with something else she was doing.

The first night, Asuka had automatically gone to lie down next to him. He didn’t stop her, figuring she was doing so for the same reason as the previous nights.

When Asuka laid down next to him on the second night, she promptly wrapped her arms around him while she knew he was still awake. He made no attempt to stop her—whatever helped her fall asleep.

It was on the third night that he caught on to what was happening. It was sometime past midnight when he awoke to find Asuka looking right at him.

After a very long moment where they held each other’s gaze, Shinji turned over and pretended to go back to sleep.

It was only when he heard her snoring again that he wondered if she had been hoping he would do something more.

The next night, Asuka returned to sleeping on the couch.

* * *

By the end of the week their work was complete: they had built a roof that made the 2nd floor inhabitable again. The true test, however, would be whether or not the roof held in bad weather. And they hadn’t had any rainstorms in some time.

To celebrate that evening, Misato managed to put together a “ramen upgrade”: she combined the instant ramen with scrambled reconstituted egg, some of the vegetables from the greenhouse, and some curry cubes melted into the broth.

“As much of a masterpiece as you can get in rough times!” she said proudly. “Dig in!”

The result was about as delightful as it sounds, but for Shinji it was oddly nostalgic to indulge in Ms. Misato’s culinary pursuits once again.

For Asuka, however, it was a sudden reminder of just how little they had.

This was too much. She put her chopsticks down. “Are you stupid?” she asked.

“Your highness finally speaks,” Misato replied.

Asuka was unphased. “Our food supply is so limited as is, and you’re just wasting it all on one meal?”

“Asuka, it’s just to celebrate having a roof,” Shinji interjected nervously.

“Why are you so quick to defend her? You know I’m right about this.” She stood up. “She’s wasting our food supply with this indulgent meal and you’re enabling her, you know that?”

“We’re due for another shopping trip anyway,” Misato said. “And now that we have the truck we can raid other stores for supplies. It’s not the end of the world.”

Asuka laughed. “Not the end of the world? Real great choice of words there, Major Katsuragi.”

Oh boy, this again. Shinji suddenly felt a need to shut down this conversation. “Ms. Misato’s just trying to do something nice for us.”

“Again with defending her!” Asuka shot a glare at Shinji. “God, why can’t you just admit you two are fucking each other?”

The words hung in the air.

“Asuka,” Misato said with a surprising amount of patience. “That’s not appropriate.”

“I agree. That’s some Oedipal complex bullshit, even I couldn’t have predicted—”

“I’m talking about _you_ , Asuka. That wasn’t an appropriate thing for you to say.”

“So it’s true, then?”

_“No, it’s not true!”_ And there went the patience.

“Oh please, you’ve been trying to get in his pants since before he ever set foot in an Eva! I saw what you did to him when you were trying to get him into the cage! I bet you’ve been ‘doing the rest’ every day since you returned!”

“Asuka! That’s—” She had absolutely no idea how to approach this. Unequivocally denying it wasn’t going to solve this issue, and telling Asuka it was none of her business would probably make things worse.

Misato was panicking. Shinji had to interfere. “We haven’t done anything, Asuka! I told her I didn’t want to on the first day she was back, and she wouldn’t have even if I’d asked!”

“Oh really?” Asuka raised an eyebrow. “So you’re telling me a grown woman who was flaunting her body to you for months straight up offered herself to you and you refused to take the bait?”

“I…” Shinji looked to Misato, clearly unsure how to answer a question that so blatantly disrespected his guardian.

Misato rolled her eyes at Asuka. “No, he did not ‘take the bait’ as you put it.”

“He’s his own person, he can answer the question!”

“I didn’t,” Shinji said firmly. “And I never want to.”

“Well then answer me this, Third Child.” The last word cut through to Shinji like venom. “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t have any feelings for this… this... **_pedophile_**!”

This was too much. He had to put an end to this. Shinji locked eyes with Asuka, fully prepared to end this discussion with a “no.”

But he hesitated.

“Shinji?” Misato asked. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“I…” He couldn’t find the words.

“Shinji, _do_ you have feelings for me?”

“I…I don’t know how I feel about you, Ms. Misato.”

A long silence.

“What do you mean by that Shinji?” she asked as gently as possible.

“When you came back, I wanted things to be back to normal, like when we were all in the apartment together and you were trying to protect me. But… I can’t forget that you kissed me, and it…” He gripped the edges of the table.

“Shinji, I know that must have confused you—”

“ _You don’t know!_ ” he shouted. “Because you only know about everything from before Instrumentality! I’m confused _now_! I don’t know if—If I can—If I should…” Tears were now streaming from his eyes. He saw Misato staring at him with that concerned sadness he recognized from before. A look that he wasn’t sure he wanted to accept anymore.

He needed to leave. He stood up from the table and ran for the door.

Asuka watched him go. “Well,” she remarked. “That was enlighten—”

**_Slap._ **

Asuka felt her cheek. It stung from the hit. She looked at Misato, who still had her arm up and the faint whispers of the anger on her face that had motivated the slap, but was gradually being replaced by horror at what she had just done.

“Asuka, I’m so sor—”

Asuka spat in Misato’s face, cutting her off.

“There’s the woman I remember,” she said. “The one who never really cared about any of us.” She stood up. “And just so we’re clear on something: I’ve felt pain far worse than that, _Ms. Misato_.” And she left the table, walked out the front door, and disappeared into the evening.

Misato sat at the table. She looked at the three settings, and the three bowls of ramen she had prepared. All of them sat there, mostly untouched.

Thoughts went to Kaji. What would Kaji do? Asuka had thrown herself at Kaji, maybe he would understand how this worked.

But no—Kaji knew Asuka had the same pre-pubescent fixation that Shinji had on Misato, yet he never acted on it, because he knew better than to use that to manipulate her into being an Eva pilot.

For the first time since returning from Instrumentality, Misato felt completely and utterly alone.

* * *

Shinji kept running from the house. He had no idea where he was going, no intended destination, no sense of direction, yet somehow he found himself standing at the beach, staring out at the ocean of LCL and the remains of Lilith, which had decomposed even more to the point that it wasn’t easily recognizable as Rei.

He thought about running into the tide. Maybe he would be welcomed back. Maybe Rei would use her powers to let him become one with the rest of humanity. But he knew that would never happen. He knew why he had returned, he knew he had made an irreversible decision. He had a very long time to accept that decision.

_“Yet again, you’re running away.”_ His father’s words echoed through his mind.

“I made the choice for myself,” he said. “That I would accept pain… and confusion… and suffering… if it meant being my one person.”

Silence.

He grabbed at sand and flung it in Lilith’s direction. _“So why did no one tell me it would be so hard?!”_

**You already knew that.**

“But it had to happen as soon as they returned! Everything we did to each other, everything they did to me!”

**You thought you could ignore it. But you can’t ignore the past.**

“I know.”

**You can’t just pretend everything never happened.**

“I know.”

**You can’t just imagine a world where things went differently.**

“I know!”

**How can you know so much yet understand so little?**

“…”

**You cannot run away.**

“…”

**You must go back.**

“…”

**Go home, Shinji.**

“Not yet.”

**What?**

“I’m gonna stay here for a while. I’m… I just want to be by myself.”

**You want to be alone?**

“Yes.”

**You were alone for a very long time, Shinji.**

“I was.”

**It was torture.**

“It was, but… sometimes, I kind of miss it.”

He sat down on the beach and stared off into the horizon as he watched the sun go down over the ocean of LCL.

* * *

Asuka ran all the way to the same abandoned buildings she used to take her frustrations out on.

When she was absolutely sure Misato was not following her, she cried.

Her cheek still stung from the slap, but she wasn’t crying because it hurt.

She knew what Misato really was. What that woman actually cared about.

So why did actually getting hurt by her feel like a betrayal?

She looked at her hands. She needed an outlet.

Looking around her, she found a structure that she hadn’t touched yet—the mostly hollowed out shell of a building. She grabbed a metal bar protruding from some concrete and pulled as hard as she could. After what felt like an eternity it broke loose, and she had her weapon. She swung it straight into a window, shattering the glass everywhere. Then she began swinging it at walls, knocking off pieces of concrete. She kicked down doors and stomped on them until the wood splintered beneath her feet. She slammed the bar into metal sheets until they dented from the impacts.

It didn’t matter what she did. She needed to destroy everything in sight. Everything here was for her to destroy. She would knock this building down with her bare hands.

Well, no, she did not mean that literally. But she hadn’t really gauged the state of the ruin she was taking her anger out on. The building was a lot less stable than the other ones she had gone to. The fact that it withstood the N2 mine blast was a miracle, but too many vibrations—the whole thing was liable to come toppling down on whatever stood in its path.

And that just happened to be Asuka, who was so engrossed in her activities she didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late.


	7. Shrapnel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji and Misato re-evaluate their relationship history. Asuka has a chance to reflect.

The last thing Asuka remembered was seeing a large shadow covering the ground around her.

The next thing she remembered was opening her eyes to a world of pain.

Where was she? What happened? Slowly it came back: there was an argument, she’d come here, she tried to knock down a building.

She hazarded a glance at the lower part of her body and _ **OWOWOWOWOOHMYGOD.**_

Most of her upper body remained free, but from her waist down she was pinned under what used to be the 2nd floor of the building she had been trying to destroy. She could still feel sensation in her legs, but that sensation was mostly searing pain. Something in her right leg was broken—and the piles of concrete putting pressure on it was only making things worse.

She couldn’t think, she couldn’t talk. The only thing she could do was scream.

* * *

**Episode 7: Shrapnel**

Thoughts raced through Misato’s mind as she made her way to the beach. _I have to go back. I can’t stay here. This was a mistake. I can’t protect them. They can’t love me. I need to go back there._

Her pace slowed as she saw Shinji sitting on the beach, staring out at the horizon.

She tried to approach him quietly, but he heard her. “If you were thinking of going back,” he said. “Don’t even bother. Individuality is irreversible. Besides…you’d be no better than me.”

Misato looked out at the sea of LCL. All the souls in the world conglomerating in an ocean of orange liquid. All the souls except hers, Shinji’s, and Asuka’s.

“Can I show you something?” Shinji asked. He stood up and started walking. Misato followed.

They approached a series of wooden posts propped up in the ground. On closer inspection, Misato grimly realized what they were.

“A graveyard?” she asked.

Shinji nodded. “I was ready to move on,” he said. “I was out here for months, waiting for someone, _anyone_ to show up. But after a while, I gave up. I thought I was going to die alone in a destroyed world. So…I tried to find some way to mourn everyone.”

He stopped when he found what he was looking for—a wooden post with a white cross nailed onto it.

“But now I realize—this graveyard is like the one my father set up for my mother. A… deception. My way of running from the people I knew would eventually come back. How I would have to confront everything when that happened.” He pulled the cross off the post, then kicked it down. Then, he began knocking over every post in the makeshift graveyard. One for Aida, one for Suzuhara, there was even one for Dr. Akagi.

Misato watched silently until he had finished his task.

“Shinji…” she said finally. “I think if we’re going to get through this—”

“You don’t have to say anything, I know why you—”

“No, I…I want to say this. Please let me.”

He looked at her and nodded.

“I love you like my own child, Shinji. I wasn’t the best at showing it, but I’ve cared for you since the moment you arrived in Tokyo-3.”

“…I know.”

“But… I didn’t kiss you because of love. I kissed you because I was desperate. At that moment I thought the fate of the entire world rested on you, and you weren’t responding to anything. So tried to give you something I thought you wanted as a last push. That was manipulation.”

Shinji took a deep breath. “You manipulated me. Just like everyone else.”

“I did. And there’s nothing I can do that could possibly make up for that. When I decided to come back, I thought I was getting a do-over. And you were so wonderful, you were willing to give me the chance. But I never considered how you really felt. About having me in your life again after all that happened. I should have realized that the moment Asuka rejected me.”

A long silence. Shinji thought she was finished speaking and was about to reassure her that he still wanted her back in his life, only for her to ask something that briefly gave him pause.

“Shinji… am I a good mother?”

He thought for a very long time. “You’re… you’re…”

He hesitated. He wasn’t sure how to put this. Misato looked increasingly forlorn at his silence.

Finally, he mustered the words. “You’re trying. Really hard. That’s more effort than my father ever put in.”

Misato laughed bitterly. “That’s a low bar.”

“I know, but… even after everything you did to hurt me… I still trust you.”

Misato let those words sink in. “But Asuka _doesn’t_ trust me,” she said. “And I don’t think she ever will.”

Shinji walked over and handed her the cross. “Then keep trying,” he said.

* * *

Asuka tried to consciously slow her breathing. The pain hadn’t subsided, but it was consistent enough that she could get her brain to think about other things.

The first thought was trying to free herself. This had basically gone nowhere: try as she might she could not pull herself out from the debris, and she didn’t have the strength to lift it up so she could pull herself out much further.

The second thought was trying to survive. This was most important. She feared if she gave up on this instinct the debris would flatten her completely and she would be a goner. It was a miracle she was still alive, and she preferred to keep that miracle going for as long as possible.

Her third instinct was to call for help. But who was she going to call to? Shinji? Ms. Misato? Neither of them knew where she was. She cursed under her breath—why had she never told them where she went in the evenings? In survival situations, always tell people where you’re going.

Her stubbornness, her inability to accept Shinji and Ms. Misato as confidants, could cost her life.

Or just her legs.

Oh right, pain.

Asuka suppressed the urge to scream again. Both Shinji and Ms. Misato were off the table. Who was she going to ask for help?

Then she saw something. It was something she hadn’t expected to see so soon. She wasn’t even sure if it was something that was even sentient. Hell, it could be a hallucination. But it was all she had now.

“Hey, Wonder Girl!” she shouted. “I know you can hear me! Get help!”

Rei stared back at her.

“REI!” she screamed. “HELP ME!”

* * *

Misato and Shinji walked silently back towards the house.

“I… I don’t know how to talk to her,” Misato said as they approached.

“I’ll go in first,” Shinji said. “Hopefully she’ll have calmed down by now.” And he went straight for the door and entered the house.

Misato sighed. It was hard to believe this was the same scared little boy she rescued from the third angel so long ago.

She happened to glance up to the roof, the fruits of their labor, and immediately did a double-take. Standing on the roof, staring right back at her, was the ghostly figure of a blue-haired girl clad in a school uniform.

“Rei…?” she asked slowly.

Rei said nothing. Instead, she raised her hand and pointed her finger outwards. Misato’s gaze slowly turned to follow the direction she was pointing.

Shinji emerged. “She’s not back yet,” he said. “Maybe we—Ms. Misato?” He looked up at the roof and froze. “Rei?” And then he grinned. “Rei!” He tugged at Misato’s arm. “Ms. Misato, you saw her too, right?”

Misato looked back up at the roof. Rei had disappeared. “I think…”

“That means someone else must have come back!” Shinji looked excited. “Let’s head back to the beach, I want to see—”

“Wait a minute, Shinji.”

Misato looked out in the direction of where Rei had pointed. What was over there? She pictured a map of Tokyo-3 and the surrounding area in her head. Over there would be some buildings, but those would have been in the path of an N2 mine blast. They were probably ruins at this point, there was nothing there that could—

Suddenly she knew where Asuka had been going for the past few days.

And then, with a sinking feeling, she knew what Rei was trying to tell her.

**“ASUKA!”**

* * *

**Motherhood**

How long had it been? Asuka had no sense of time. It could have been hours. It could have been days. Maybe it was only a few minutes.

She was in so much pain she was losing all sense of her surroundings. It didn’t help that the sun had gone down, and the surrounding area was plunged into darkness. She was beginning to hear voices, the sounds of her past reminding her of her every action over the past few weeks.

She thought of other things. The sensation of cuddling up to Shinji. The warmth of her mother’s support for that brief moment in Unit 02 before the MP Evas took her away. All she could think about was moments of warmth, to keep her distracted from how cold the air was and just how alone she felt in this moment.

Cold. Cold… why was it cold? What month was it? Cold meant winter. No wait, not winter—fall. They’d thought it was September, or October maybe. Shinji had said he’d only been back for a few weeks. But that didn’t make any sense. He was the impetus behind Instrumentality. The moment he was exposed to it, he rejected it. The world went to hell in January.

And now Asuka was cursing herself for not inquiring about those tally marks she had seen in his closet.

_“I’ll tell her when she’s ready.”_

“I was ready, Shinji. I could have helped you!” She couldn’t blame him for being reluctant to tell her. Instead of supporting him like she’d sworn to do before, she’d pushed him away. Him and Ms. Misato.

**She was only trying to help you.**

Asuka thought back to the times she’d walked in on Misato hugging Shinji. God, it was absurd just how close they were. But then again they’d been through a lot just before Third Impact.

**He only wanted to make up for lost time.**

“I was jealous.”

**Jealous of what?**

“…”

**Jealous of her?**

“…”

**You saw her kiss him, but you also saw her heart. You know she didn’t like him that way.**

“…”

**She’s twice his age, you really thought that was ever gonna work?**

“…”

**No, no that wasn’t it.**

“…”

**Come on, Asuka. It’s on the tip of your tongue.**

“I was jealous of him.”

**Why?**

“Because of all the attention she was giving him!”

**She tried to give you attention.**

“She should have tried harder!”

**You pushed her away, just like you did to Shinji.**

“I know.”

**And now you’re going to die alone, literally crushed beneath the weight of your sins.**

“…”

**How does it feel, Asuka? To die all over again?**

Asuka wanted to cry.

**But she can’t. She’s run out of tears from screaming.**

She grabbed at the debris again, another last ditch effort to try to free herself. But it wouldn’t budge.

**You’re going to die, Asuka. You’re going to die the way you were always meant to die. Alone. Defenseless. In a whole lot of pain.**

No. No, you’re not going to die. You’re too strong for that.

**You thought you were too strong for the MP Evas.**

You slam your fist into the ground and try to pull yourself free. But the pain in your legs only increases and you have to stop.

No, no, NO! Focus on something else, Asuka! Focus on anything!

**Little hard to do that when there’s a building on top of you, don’t you think?**

Don’t listen to him, Asuka. Listen to your surroundings.

**What surroundings? There’s only destruction.**

Listen, Asuka. Listen.

_…_

What do you hear?

…

What do you hear?

And that’s when she realized. Someone was calling her name.

**You’re hallucinating.**

No. No she was not. The voice was faint. But it was clearly calling for her. And she knew whose it was.

Would she be able to find her in the dark?

Asuka’s voice hurt from screaming. But with a final burst of energy, she called out into the night.

**“MS. MISATO!”**

* * *

She heard it. She shined her flashlight around until it rested on the remains of a building. It looked like it had collapsed fairly recently.

“Shinji, over here!”

They ran in the direction of the last scream, facing a massive pile of debris. And sticking out from under the collapsed second floor…

“Oh my god, Asuka!” Misato ran over.

Asuka looked up. Tear stains ran down her cheeks, and it looked like she was completely out of energy.

“Shinji, help me get her out of there!”

Shinji dropped the flashlight he was carrying and with Misato they locked arms around Asuka and tried to pull her out. But they were met by more screams from her and the alarming groans of the building.

Shinji, pained by the sound of Asuka’s cries, let go immediately. “We can’t just pull her out!” he said. “We need to lift it off of her!”

Misato gravely looked at the debris. This was an entire floor of a building they were talking about. They couldn’t lift it with their bare hands. But if she could apply some leverage, they might be able to make enough space to squeeze her out of there.

She got up and looked for something she could use. Finally, she found a long strip of reinforced metal and wedged it underneath the second floor.

“Shinji, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to lift this up,” she said. “So when I say ‘now,’ pull as hard as you can.” She put an arm on Asuka’s shoulder. “Asuka, it’s going to hurt, but—”

“Just do it!” Asuka seethed.

Shinji nodded as he wrapped his arms around Asuka’s shoulders. “We’re right here, Asuka,” he whispered.

Misato summoned all her strength and pushed down hard on the metal bar. She heard the entire structure creak, but could see it just barely lift. **“NOW!”**

Shinji pulled as hard as he could.

Somehow the sensation of the pressure alleviating from her legs hurt even more than them just getting crushed. Asuka wanted to scream. But she was mostly screamed out.

Shinji gritted his teeth. He hadn’t summoned this much strength in a long time. But he needed to help Asuka.

He pulled and he pulled. And finally, with a sudden jerk, Asuka slid out from underneath the debris and out into the open, just as Misato finally lost her momentum and let go of the bar, sending the second floor crashing down on the spot Asuka’s lower body had been only seconds before.

But Asuka couldn’t relish in her newfound freedom. The pain in her legs was now the only thing on her mind. She now had a good look at them, and she immediately felt nauseous from the sight. She closed her eyes. She couldn’t look at it, but she could still feel it. She needed to escape. She needed relief. She needed… she needed…

“Misato!” Shinji cried out as Asuka slumped over in his arms. “She’s…”

Misato felt Asuka’s pulse. “She’s just fainted,” she said grimly. “Let’s get her back to the house. There’s gotta be something in the first aid kit we can use.” She knelt down and gently lifted Asuka up in her arms.

“She’ll make it through this, won’t she?” Shinji asked.

Misato wasn’t so sure. They could conceivably make a splint, but she didn’t have enough medical knowledge to know where to go from there. She didn’t even know just how badly injured Asuka’s legs were—were they broken? Were they completely crushed? Would she have to amputate them?

But none of that mattered now. At the very least they needed to get her to safety.  
“Come on,” she said. And as quickly as she could, she began running back for the house.

Asuka stirred. She briefly opened her eyes to see Misato with a determined look on her face. She realized she was being carried.

And for a moment, just a single moment before she fainted again, she felt like she was in her mother’s arms once more.

* * *

It began to rain.

“Ms. Misato?” Shinji called out. He knew what this meant.

“Not now, Shinji!” she replied. “Just keep going! We’ll check the beach later!”

Shinji tried to shake off the question now on his mind. Who had returned?

They arrived back at the house shortly after.

“Shinji, clear off the kitchen table!”

“Wait, why not a bed?”

“We need the elevation, just do it!” She shut her eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, just—”

“Right away.” Shinji ran to the table and frantically got rid of what was left of dinner. He did a quick wipe down of the surface with a towel before Misato laid Asuka down on it.

“Get a pillow for her, and some towels! And the medkit Shinji, the medkit!” She gently cupped Asuka’s face while Shinji ran to get everything. “Stay with me, Asuka,” she whispered. “You’re going to get through this.”

Shinji returned carrying everything, but then he got a good look at Asuka’s legs. He nearly vomited from the sight. Both legs were covered in blood, but her right leg especially was severely misshapen. He could see pieces of fractured bone sticking out.

“Shinji, focus!” Misato shouted. But she too was feeling ill. There was very little she could do about Asuka’s leg: a splint wasn't going to fix this. She couldn't perform any surgery to correct the injuries, not without the equipment or medical knowledge. There was nothing she could do, short of…

She grabbed the medkit, pulled out a roll of bandages, and quickly made a tourniquet around Asuka’s right leg.

“Where’s the saw?” she asked.

“Why do you need the—” And then he realized. “Misato, no!”

“Shinji, the only way I can stop this from killing her is removing it!”

"I don't care!"

"If the wound gets infected, there's nothing else I can do!"

“If you do this she’s never going to forgive you!”

“That doesn't matter right now, I’m trying to keep her alive!”

“No, NO! There’s gotta be another way!”

“ _ **I’m not a doctor, Shinji!**_ I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t even—"

The doorbell rang.

The room went dead silent.

The only sound was Asuka’s shallow breaths.

It rang again.

“…I’ll get it,” Shinji said nervously. He quickly made his way for the front door.

Misato looked at Asuka. They didn’t have the resources to care for another person. They were barely surviving together as is, to throw someone new into the mix at this moment was just going to be too—

“Ms. Misato?!” Shinji called from the hallway. He sounded alarmed. “Ms. Misato! It’s—!”

It was who? She wanted to stay with Asuka, but there was something in Shinji’s voice that made her worried.

She ran out into the hallway. “Who is it?” she asked.

Shinji nervously stepped back to let the person in.

“Hello, Katsuragi.”

Misato recognized the lab coat and the fake blond hair before she even recognized the face.

“So,” Ritsuko Akagi said. “I heard you needed a doctor—”

**_SLAP._ **


	8. The Best Medicine

_“Maya.”_

_“…”_

_“Maya, look at me.”_

_“…”_

_“Maya, I’m here.”_

_“Go away.”_

_“…Maya, I want to help you.”_

_“You hurt me.”_

_“Maya, that wasn’t me.”_

_“I thought I could trust you.”_

_“Maya, please!”_

_Ritsuko watched as her former protégé disappeared into the void._

_“I…I didn’t know…”_

* * *

“But you did.”

Ritsuko whirled around to face Rei. “What?”

“You knew how she felt about you. Yet you never did anything about it.”

“I was her superior, she was my student, it wouldn’t have been—” she shook her head. “None of that matters! Why did you take _my_ form for her?!”

“You were the one she desired most. What form I took was purely her choice.”

Ritsuko gave a frustrated sigh. “We’ve had this conversation before. And not once have you ever said it was because you were the bad guy all along. That you wanted to traumatize her.”

“Because I didn’t.”

“No. You had your own thing to worry about.”

They were silent.

“The Second is hurt.”

“What?”

“Asuka is injured. They are not prepared to help her.”

“What happened?”

“There was an accident. She requires the aid of a doctor.”

“Rei, I’m not a medical doctor.”

“You possess the knowledge required to perform such a task.”

“That’s just it, knowledge, I don’t have the skill or experience—"

“Please.”

Ritsuko stopped talking.

“There is no one else who would be willing to help them. Not after what they’ve done. No one but you.”

Silence.

“Huh,” Ritsuko remarked. “Never thought I’d ever hear God plead with me.”

Silence.

“Show me her injuries.”

“I cannot.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“I am unable to show you the nature of her injuries.”

Silence.

“Fine. Then show me how you feel.”

Rei stared at her.

A hot, searing pain went through Ritsuko’s head that made it difficult for her to breathe. She only felt it for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity before it finally eased off.

“It was that bad for you, huh?” she said as she recovered.

Rei stared at her vacantly.

“If you feel so horrible for them, why don’t you go back?”

“You know what would happen if I did.”

Ritsuko shook her head. She did. “Well…it’s nice to feel needed. Where do I need to go?”

“You will know when you see it.”

“…Okay.”

“Dr. Akagi.”

“Yes, Rei?”

“I forgive you.”

Ritsuko stared. “For what?”

“For hurting us.”

Ritsuko was starting to feel a strange sensation around her arms. It was as though she was passing through liquid. She theorized this was her body reforming within the sea of LCL.

"What good is telling me that going to do?" she asked. "You're not even Rei. Not anymore."

"Perhaps hearing it from one of us will ease your mind," Rei replied. And she vanished.

Ritsuko was alone. She could now definitely feel her body being pulled to the surface.

“You may forgive me,” she said quietly. “But I’m not ready to forgive myself.”

* * *

**Episode 8: The Best Medicine**

Ritsuko adjusted her jaw. “Nice to see you, too.”

“What the hell are you doing here?!” Misato growled.

“What do you think? I’m a doctor. Your charge is injured.”

“How could you possibly know that?!”

“Well, let’s just say you can thank God. More specifically…”

“Rei?” Shinji looked up at Dr. Akagi. “She spoke to you?”

“In a sense. She… relayed the information to me that I was needed.” She looked at Shinji and smiled. “It’s obvious she still cares a great deal about you two.”

“There’s millions of doctors in there, and she had to pick you.” Misato stood her ground. “You are not going anywhere near her.”

"Millions of doctors infinitely more qualified," Ritsuko agreed. "But also, millions of doctors who know these kids failed to prevent Third Impact, and probably would jump at the chance for revenge. And if not revenge, they'd just say 'no.'"

Misato glared at her. But she didn’t back down just yet.

“Besides, I know more about the Eva pilots’ bodies than anyone in the world. I could write whole papers on their anatomy. You need me. _She_ needs me.”

“Ms. Misato.” Shinji was now looking at his guardian with the same intensity Ritsuko had.

In the silence that followed, Ritsuko took it that Misato wasn’t going to do anything more to stop her. So she brushed past her former best friend and made her way into the kitchen.

“Christ,” she muttered. She felt Asuka’s pulse, then her chest. “Accelerated heartbeat,” she said. “Sorry about this.” She gently felt Asuka’s legs.

“What are you doing?” Misato took a step forward, ready to pull Ritsuko away.

“Do you have an X-ray machine hiding somewhere?”

Silence.

“Well then I’m gonna have to do it this way.” Ritsuko returned to feeling Asuka’s legs.

The girl made a gasping sound, but she did not wake up.

“What happened?”

“A building fell on her,” was all Misato could come up with.

“She’s a strong girl, I’ll give her that.” Ritsuko wiped her hands off on a towel. “The good news she made it out with only a few broken bones.”

Misato stared at her. “What do you mean ‘only a few’?!”

“It’s a miracle they’re not shattered,” Ritsuko clarified. “It’s unlikely her left leg escaped without a few fractures, but I can’t feel any major deformities so it should be able to heal on its own. The right leg is a different story: she’s got a compound displacement fracture along her tibia. I’m gonna have to operate.”

Shinji stared. “Can’t—can’t you just give her a splint or something?”

“If I don’t do this as properly as possible, there’s a host of complications that could happen. I need antibiotics, I need anesthetic, I need gauze, I need a sterile environment—really I need a fully operational hospital, a surgical staff, and let’s face it, an actual surgeon, but that’s not an option. Where’s the nearest hospital?”

“It’s about 5 miles west. We have a truck.”

“If I gave you a list of things, you and Shinji—"

“I’m not leaving you alone with her,” Misato interrupted.

“Be smart, Katsuragi, if some complication happens—”

“Then that’s on me, but I’m not leaving her side. What do you need me to do while you’re getting your supplies?”

Ritsuko wanted to argue, but she knew Misato wasn’t going to back down. “Well, good work on the tourniquet, that’ll stop any potential infection from spreading to her heart. Though… I imagine you had other things in mind.”

Misato squinted. “Don’t—"

Ritsuko cut her off. “Under the circumstances you made the right call. Best you can do for now is start cleaning her wounds. You’ll need ethanol, or some high-proof drinking alcohol—”

“There’s a liquor cabinet,” Shinji suggested.

“There is?” This was news to Misato. “Where?”

“In the living room. We didn’t tell you because we were worried you would drink all of it.”

“Smart kids,” Ritsuko remarked. “Find whatever’s got the most alcohol content. Whiskey, vodka, whatever.”

Shinji disappeared into the living room and returned with a bottle of Everclear. “Will this work?”

“Perfect.” She handed it to Misato. “Clean regularly until we get back. And try not to drink all of this.”

Misato only glared as she took the bottle.

“How are the roads?” Ritsuko asked Shinji.

“They’re clear.”

“Ritsuko,” Misato said slowly. “I’m trusting you on this.”

Ritsuko nodded. “We’ll be back in less than an hour. And get some more towels ready—this is not going to be pretty.”

* * *

Shinji sat in the truck, watching the trees go by in the dark.

So much had happened in a short amount of time. It seemed like yesterday he had woken up to find Asuka lying next to him on the beach. Now not only had Misato joined them but also Dr. Akagi.

“It’s good to see you again,” he said out loud.

“Don’t lie to me, Shinji. I’m the last person you wanted to see today.”

He decided to attempt humor. “Actually, the last person I want to see is my father.”

Ritsuko laughed. Attempt succeeded. “Glad we’re in the same boat then, Shinji.”

“I don’t hate you, Dr. Akagi. You were one of the few who ever really tried to help me in the end.”

Ritsuko didn’t respond as she focused on the road.

“What did you see?” Shinji asked.

Ritsuko hazarded a glance. “What?”

“In Instrumentality. What did you see?”

Ritsuko thought for a moment. “I saw a lot of things. A world where my mother never killed herself. A world where your father actually loved me. A world where my mother understood he never loved her and we actually succeeded in stopping him.”

“Did you see your mother?”

“Not the real her. She died too long ago for that.”

“What about my father?”

The truck lurched slightly. Ritsuko quickly regained control.

“Forget I asked,” Shinji said quickly.

“Shinji.” Ritsuko took a deep breath. “Your father isn’t in there.”

“…what?”

“I looked for him. Believe me, I tried to find him. But he didn't go through Instrumentality.”

Shinji sat quietly, taking this in. “So in the end,” he said finally. “He didn’t get what he wanted. I guess Rei wouldn’t let him.”

“That was his punishment,” Ritsuko nodded. “His retribution for his sins.”

Shinji sat there quietly. “What about Lieutenant Ibuki?”

Ritsuko hesitated. “What about her?”

“Was there any world where you were with her?”

Ritsuko didn’t answer right away. “Shinji,” she said. “The less I say about Maya, the better.”

“What do you mean?”

She thought about her answer carefully. “Let’s just say you’re lucky the first three people you met were us.”

Shinji didn’t need to prod. He knew exactly what she meant.

* * *

From the moment Ritsuko left, Misato wouldn’t leave Asuka’s side. She maintained careful vigil on the girl as she waited, frequently doing another go at cleaning her wounds and checking her heart rate.

Hours ago, Asuka had spat in her face. Hour ago, she had felt so much anger towards this girl she had hurt her. Since the day Misato returned, Asuka had shown her nothing but contempt.

Yet seeing her like this, Misato felt nothing but pity for her.

Asuka’s eyes fluttered open, but there was a glazed over look in them. “Mama?” she whispered.

“No, Asuka, it’s me.”

“I’m in pain, Mama.”

Misato knelt down next to her and pressed her forehead gently against Asuka’s. “Hang in there, Asuka,” she said. “Just a little longer.”

Asuka closed her eyes again.

Misato decided it was time to give Asuka’s leg another cleaning. But as she started to move to get another towel, Asuka’s hand shot out and grabbed her arm.

“Don’t go,” the girl pleaded. “Stay with me.”

“Asuka—”

“Don’t go away, Mama.”

“Asuka, I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going to clean your wounds again.”

Asuka’s grip was already loosening. She finally let go.

Misato sighed. “Hurry up, Ritsuko.”

* * *

The brick flew through the glass door, sending pieces everywhere.

Ritsuko stepped in and shined her flashlight around. “Sounds like the backup generators are on,” she said, listening to the distinct hum. “Good. That means the refrigeration units should be working.”

Shinji followed her as they began gathering supplies. Ritsuko worked like a machine, grabbing medical supplies off the different shelving units, somehow knowing where the right kind of antibiotic and the right bottle of non-descript pale liquid was located.

“You really seem to know what you’re doing,” he observed.

Ritsuko chuckled. “Despite appearances, I’ve never performed surgery on an actual living person in my life. Only corpses and the occasional monkey. But apparently that was enough for Rei.” She felt around for something, but, coming up empty—“Shinji, can you find the clinic by yourself? There should be a sign somewhere leading to it.”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“Gauze and needles.”

“…wait, needles? Do I need to pick them up with my bare hands?”

“That’s not what—never mind, I’ll come with you.” Ritsuko finished grabbing what she wanted, threw them into a bag, and led the way.

When they got to the clinic, Shinji sat himself on one of the chairs as he watched Ritsuko grab items from the cabinets.

He glanced over at some of the items hanging from a hook on the wall. He grabbed the stethoscope and tossed it around in his hands.

“I wonder if I could have been a doctor,” he remarked. “If I weren’t an Eva pilot. Helping the people who are too weak to help themselves?”

“I’m sure you would have made a good one, too. You know, a post-Third Impact world really needs a doctor, you could fill that role.”

Shinji watched her for a minute. “What about you?” he asked.

Ritsuko stopped what she was doing. “Shinji, I know my way around an operating table, but I’m not a physician. Medicine isn’t really my vocation.” Then she continued to rummage around drawers.

“It could be,” Shinji suggested. “The world could use more people like you.”

"You know the Hippocratic Oath?"

"...yes?"

"I've broken it so many times it's shattered. Honestly, the world could use a lot less of me.”

* * *

Misato didn’t realize how long she’d been holding her breath until she heard the truck pull up to the house and she breathed out a massive sigh of relief.

Ritsuko and Shinji rushed in. “How’s she doing?” Ritsuko asked.

“She’s stable.”

“Good.” Ritsuko began pulling items out of bags and setting them on shelves as she organized a makeshift operating theater. “Since I take it you’re not planning on letting me do this alone…” She took out a pair of surgical gloves, a mask, and some scrubs and tossed them at Misato. “Make yourself useful.”

“Can I help?” Shinji asked.

“Shinji, it’s late,” Misato said. “Why not sleep in your new bed upstairs? We’ll be here in the morning.”

“If it’s all the same to you,” Shinji said firmly. “I’d rather stay here.”

Ritsuko and Misato exchanged glances.

“Hope you’re okay with needles,” Ritsuko said, pulling out another pair of gloves and handing them to Shinji. “And, well, blood.”

“I’ve seen too much of it,” he replied.

“Ritsuko,” Misato said. “If she dies, I’ll kill you.”

“Don’t be dramatic,” Ritsuko replied. “She’s not gonna die, I owe you that much.”

* * *

**Sutures**

Asuka couldn’t remember a whole lot of the past two hours. The pain from her broken leg had basically dulled all her other senses. She could recall moments—Misato’s concerned expression as she carried her to safety… a mesh of blonde hair… someone motherly comforting her…

When she opened her eyes she didn’t feel any pain in her legs.

Actually, she didn’t feel anything at all down there. That was odd.

She looked down, curious as to why.

And then she panicked.

“Hey, whoa whoa whoa!” the figure in the surgical mask exclaimed as she retracted her scalpel. “Careful!”

“Asuka! Asuka!” Asuka felt someone grab her shoulders and pin her back to table. “Asuka, stay calm, we’re trying to fix your leg!”

“Keep her steady, Katsuragi!”

“Asuka!” Misato lowered her mask. “Look at me! Don’t look down there, look at me!”

“Misato?” Shinji’s voice called.

“Shinji, just stick with Ritsuko for now!”

Asuka gripped at Misato’s shoulders. “ _What is going on down there_?!”

Misato looked over at Ritsuko and Shinji, who were nervously watching this. “They’re correcting the fractures,” she explained. “You were injured, remember?”

Asuka calmed down a little. “Right…” She _did_ recall that happening. “Right. Building. Pain.”

“Just relax.” Misato helped guide her breathing. “It’ll be over in a little bit. You’ve had a very tiring day, right? Maybe you should get some more rest.”

“Rest… rest.” Asuka took a deep breath. A wave of exhaustion hit her, and it was already getting hard to keep her eyes open. “I can do that. I can rest.” And she fell back to sleep.

Misato stared at Ritsuko. “Why did that just happen?!”

“It’s regionalized anesthetic, not tranquilizer! I figured since she was already asleep I wouldn’t have to give her any sedatives.”

“That’s your professional opinion?!”

“Again! Not a medical doctor!”

“Dr. Akagi!” Shinji said. “Focus! There’s only a few more pins!”

“Right, right,” Ritsuko steadied her hand and returned to work.

Misato briefly looked away from Asuka. “How are you holding up, Shinji?”

Shinji watched as Ritsuko inserted another pin and swallowed the urge to faint for the 15th time. “I’m fine,” he said unconvincingly.

* * *

The surgery took longer than they’d expected, but after an hour, Ritsuko finally sewed in the last stitch.

“There,” she said as she finished placing the cast on. “All in a day’s work. Let’s get her back to bed.”

Misato gently lifted Asuka up and carried her to the bedroom.

Shinji watched as Ritsuko removed her gloves and took off her mask. A layer of sweat surrounded the area it had covered.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m alright,” Ritsuko said. “Just… glad that’s over.” She looked at Shinji. “How did I do?”

He stared at her. How was he supposed to answer that? “…um, I think you did great.” He gave her a confused thumbs up.

Misato emerged from the bedroom. “She’s still asleep. Should I give her the antibiotics now?”

“Let her sleep,” Ritsuko said. “Her body’s just gone through a tremendous strain, she needs all the rest she can get. But the anesthetic is going to wear off in a couple of hours, so be ready.” She reached into her bag and pulled out a bottle of painkillers. “There’s also penicillin in the bag. There’s instructions on the dosage in there.”

“Good.” Misato looked at the bottle, then at Ritsuko. “Now get the hell out of our house.”

Shinji had to do a double-take, he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. He was so stunned at first he just stared gaping at Misato.

“Understood,” Ritsuko replied. She put on her white labcoat, which she had draped over the couch, and began to head for the door.

“Wait!” Shinji shouted, shaking out of his daze. “You can’t just leave!” He turned to Misato. “Why are you kicking her out?!”

“Because she doesn’t belong with us,” Misato said. “Not after everything she did.”

“She’s right, Shinji,” Ritsuko said. “I’ve caused you kids enough trouble already.”

“But-but you just saved Asuka!” he stammered. He looked at Misato. “Without her you would’ve had to cut her leg off!”

Misato stared back at Shinji. He was correct, of course, but in her mind she could not reconcile this with the idea of allowing someone like Ritsuko to stay. Someone she personally held responsible for so much of the harm that came to Shinji and Asuka.

Ritsuko, who had long since realized this and wished to spare Misato the pain of saying it to Shinji, tried to cut in. “Shinji, you don’t understand. I knew everything your father was planning, and I did nothing to stop it until it was too late. I owed it to you to come back and help Asuka, and now—"

“ _Bullshit_!”

She stopped speaking and stared at him in surprise.

“I understand perfectly!” he continued. “You think you don’t deserve forgiveness or peace or happiness, that you’re better off being alone as some sort of punishment for everything you did?! Well what good is punishment when the people you hurt are no more innocent than you? You may have helped push me to that point, but _I_ caused Third Impact, Dr. Akagi! I killed everyone because I wanted to run away from my problems! I’m single-handedly responsible for the deaths of millions of people!”

“Shinji…” Misato tried to place a hand on Shinji’s shoulder, only for him to violently swat it away.

“You don’t owe me _anything_ , Dr. Akagi! I _don’t care_ what you did to me! I was forced by people like you, like my father, like Misato, to fight monsters from my worst nightmares, I had to nearly kill one of my best friends, and I killed the only person who ever said he loved me, and watched pretty much all of my friends and family die—and _all of that_ has nothing on the fact that **I ENDED THE WORLD!”**

Misato and Ritsuko were stunned.

“I—I—” He faltered. “I ended the world.” He felt the gravity of those words. But then he recovered. “ _I_ ended the world, not you. I had months to accept that. And I thought I didn’t deserve happiness or the company of others. I thought, ‘I deserve to be alone for what I did.’” He looked at Misato. “But then I realized… only caring about the past makes you feel worse now. And there’s no point in feeling terrible forever. So when people came back… I let them into my life again.” He looked directly into Ritsuko’s eyes. “Why should you be any different?”

The room was quiet.

Finally, Misato spoke up. “Shinji, even if _you_ feel that way… I don’t. Not about her.” She looked up at Ritsuko. “All I care about is that she hurt my kids.”

Silence. Ritsuko looked at the ground with discomfort.

“Fine,” Shinji said. “But don’t you care even a little that without her, you would’ve had to do something to Asuka you could never take back?”

Misato didn’t answer.

Shinji prodded on. “Who are we to throw someone out when they’re only trying to help?” he asked pointedly. “Did you learn nothing from living here with Asuka?”

She couldn’t argue with that. So she said nothing.

Taking this as her answer, Shinji turned to Ritsuko. “You’re tired, right?” he asked.

“…a little.”

“The bedroom closest to the stairs is unclaimed, there’s already some sheets in there. You can borrow one of Ms. Misato’s nightshirts.”

“What? I’m not giving her my—”

Shinji flashed a look at her.

Taken aback, she motioned towards the bedroom while keeping an eye on Shinji. “…in the bedroom, second drawer from the bottom.” She looked at Ritsuko. “We’ll… we’ll figure this out in the morning. The night’s been too crazy for this.”

Ritsuko took a deep breath. “I agree.” She quietly walked into the bedroom.

Shinji let out a giant exhale. His outburst had taken more out of him than expected.

“Shinji?” Misato carefully held her hand out as she approached him.

“…I’m so tired,” he said. His eyelids were getting heavy, and he was already starting to stumble.

Misato gently placed her hand on his back. “Okay, I think you’ve had enough excitement for tonight, let’s get you upstairs too.”

As they started to move, they were met by Ritsuko coming out of the bedroom. She stared at them quietly, still unsure what to say.

Misato cleared her throat. “Ritsuko?”

“Yes?”

“…thank you.”

She didn’t answer. But she showed the faintest hint of a smile at hearing this.

* * *

Asuka opened her eyes to a ceiling she didn’t recognize at first. Then she remembered—this was the room she’d spent the first couple nights in. This was Misato’s room.

There was a dull pain in the lower half of her body that was getting worse with every second. She looked down to see her left leg was splinted and bandaged, while the right leg was completely enclosed in a cast. It felt like someone had inserted a bunch of needles into her and then just left them there, which was a more accurate description than Asuka realized.

“You’re awake.”

Asuka turned her head. “Ms. Misato?” she asked.

“How do you feel?”

She didn’t feel great. “I… _hurt_ …”

Misato grabbed a glass of water she had at the bedside and held out some pills. “Percocet,” she said. “Let me know if it makes you nauseous.”

Asuka took the pills and let Misato help her with the water.

“Am I going crazy or was Dr. Akagi here?” she asked, looking around.

“She is,” Misato said. She hesitated. “She’s…sleeping upstairs.”

Asuka detected a hint of resentment in Misato’s voice, but she didn’t call it out. “What time is it?”

“Around 1 in the morning. Are you hungry? I can make you some food.”

Asuka felt her stomach grumble, and suddenly remembered she hadn’t had any dinner. “That…that’d be nice.”

Misato squeezed her hand. Asuka hadn’t even realized she’d been holding it the whole time. She watched as Misato left the room and listened to her as she began throwing together a quick dinner in the kitchen.

She let the rest of the day come back into focus. They had an argument at dinner. Misato had slapped her. Asuka ran away so no one would see her cry. She’d knocked down a building. And now her legs were broken.

She rubbed her neck. Her throat really hurt from screaming so much. She had so many things to say to Misato, but she didn’t think she had the energy tonight.

Misato returned with a bowl of ramen. “It’s just plain,” she said. “I didn’t waste any more of our supply.”

Asuka took the bowl and started eating quietly.

Misato looked down. “Asuka, I’m sorry for—”

“Stop.”

“What?”

At the very least, she needed to get this cleared up. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Ms. Misato. That was all me.”

Misato thought for a moment. “Regardless,” she said. “I shouldn’t have slapped you.”

“Well I shouldn’t have punched you. Or kicked you. So… I guess we’re even.” She looked down. “I’m not gonna be kicking anytime soon, anyway.”

They sat in silence as Asuka finished her food. When she was done, Misato took her bowl back into the kitchen.

“I’ll let you get some rest,” she said.

“Ms. Misato, wait.”

She stopped. “Yes, Asuka?”

“Could you stay?”

Misato smiled. “Sure.” She sat back down next to her. “I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”

Asuka sighed. Sleep seem unconscionable at this moment. There was something on her mind, something she’d been thinking about since earlier in the evening.

“Ms. Misato, can I be honest with you?”

“Of course, Asuka.”

“I’ve spent the last week trying to tell myself I wasn’t jealous of the attention Shinji was giving you.”

“Oh, Asuka, you don’t have to talk about this now—”

“Just listen. And I realized something today. I wasn’t. I was jealous of the attention _you_ were giving Shinji.”

Silence.

“And it wasn’t just now. You coddled him. You mourned for him when he was absorbed by the Eva. You comforted him when his whole world was falling apart. And you never did that for me.”

“I know. Believe me, I know. And I’m sorry Asuka, I really am.” Misato gripped Asuka’s hand. “But everything I said before today is true, I didn’t just come back for Shinji. I came back for you, too. And I promise, you’ll never get hurt again under my watch.”

Asuka stared at her skeptically. “You sound just like Shinji,” she scoffed. “What are you doing making a promise like that? I’m going to get hurt, Ms. Misato. Shinji is too. That’s just how life is.”

Misato nodded. “You’re right. But… when that happens, this time I’ll be there to help you.” Then, feeling the impulse, she leaned forward to gently kiss Asuka on the forehead.

As she did so, Asuka’s arms shot out and immediately wrapped themselves around Misato as she pulled her in for a hug.

After a moment, Misato returned the motion.

* * *

Shinji woke up very late. Noticing it was still dark out he at first tried to go back to sleep, but he found staring at yet another unfamiliar ceiling, this night in particular, disturbing.

Even though he himself had been the one to build this ceiling.

That was the problem. The room still smelled of plaster.

Thank god it held after the most recent rain.

He went downstairs, now tempted to sleep on the floor of the downstairs bedroom if it meant being close to Asuka. But he stopped when he saw the door to her bedroom was open.

Peeking in, he saw that Asuka was not alone in her slumber. Snoring in a chair, her hand still clinging to her charge’s, was Misato.

Shinji decided to let them have the night to themselves.


	9. Checking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misato fights a bear. Shinji and Asuka have a misunderstanding. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, full disclosure: this is going to be the last update for a while. I realized after I prematurely posted the previous one that it’s probably not a good idea to post an update to a long-form serialized storytelling project if you haven’t even thought up how the next installment is going to go. I kept on coming up with a lot of ideas that would have required I retcon some stuff in the previous update, but instead I challenged myself to complete this as it was. And I think I’m happy with the result, but I don’t want to run into those limitations again. So, this installment is in some ways a thematic send-off to the first “part” of this story: I’m wrapping up on a few threads so people aren’t left hanging for the next couple of weeks (or months) while I give myself time to re-center my thoughts and work on the next part of this story, but I’m also keeping a bunch of things open-ended for when I continue this. As a result, this is a lot longer than previous chapters. I guess the television equivalent of this is a mid-season finale, although frankly I find it a little inane to think of this fic in terms of “seasons.”
> 
> But yeah. This’ll be the last you hear from this story for a bit, but on the off-chance I end up abandoning this fic and someone finds it in the annals of the internet in decades to come (like a lot of older Eva fics, dear god this show has been around a while), you won’t be left thinking “Aww…they left a story that’s incomplete and leaves me unsatisfied.”

Shinji stared at the ceiling for half an hour.

This was probably the time of day that he should go downstairs and make breakfast.

But he didn’t want to get out of bed.

He wasn’t tired. Not by a longshot. It was hard enough going back to sleep while picturing the image of Asuka on the table, her leg in shapes that made him ill to the thought, and later when Dr. Akagi was inserting pins to help correct fractured bone.

He wasn’t even that hungry.

Soon he heard Dr. Akagi wandering around in her bedroom. He wondered what she was thinking about.

He felt bad for her. She had staked her entire life on his father, a man who could never love her back. By the time she’d realized this, it had been too late to stop him.

Well, his father had failed, but at what cost?

Finally, he decided he couldn’t stay in bed all day, so he got up, changed into some day clothes, and went downstairs.

On his way, he decided to check in on Misato and Asuka. He leaned in and saw that they were both still asleep.

Asuka was hurt. He wondered how long it would take before she could walk on her own again. During the surgery, Dr. Akagi had said something about how even after the bone healed, they would need to put her through strength training. She wouldn’t be able to leave the house for some time.

 _She’s going to be so bored_ , he thought to himself.

He looked over at the closet, wondering if now would be a good time to talk to her about the tally marks—more specifically, about the months he spent alone before she showed up.

But telling her about that _now_ —how would she take it? The whole reason he had put it off was because he didn’t want a situation where he was somehow above her in the misery index. And now she seemed to have skyrocketed on that scale.

Maybe it was best to leave it be. He didn’t—

“Shinji?”

He turned to see Asuka was staring about him. She still seemed a little drowsy. “What are you—” and then she winced. She had attempted to move her leg slightly, only to feel the pain shoot through her body.

He couldn’t do this right now. So he left the room.

“Wait!” Asuka exclaimed.

“Huh…what?” Misato snorted awake, then immediately grabbed at her neck. “Oh god… must’ve dozed off.” She looked at Asuka. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Yeah…” Asuka said slowly, staring at the spot where Shinji had been only a few seconds before. “Um… my leg’s hurting again.”

“Ah right, I’ll get you more percocet. I think Shinji’s getting breakfast ready. Do you want me to eat with you?”

“Sure.” She watched as Misato left.

Her eyes rested on the closet, which she knew Shinji had been looking at only moments before. Clearly he wanted to talk to her about it. But knowing him, he wasn’t going to work up the courage.

She sighed. She’d bring it up the next time they talked.

* * *

**Episode 9: Checking Up**

Misato watched as Shinji added water to the powdered egg and began mixing it.

“Hey,” she said. “Why don’t I cook breakfast?”

Shinji looked. “Um…but you made dinner last night.”

“Yeah, well, neither of you ate it, so…” She got up and, not waiting for him to do much else, took the bowl and whisk from him and began adding salt and pepper and some things that Shinji wasn’t sure should really be combined with eggs to the mix.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked. “I thought I was the one on breakfast duty.”

“Think of it as making up for all those times I slept in at the apartment,” Misato shrugged.

So Shinji sat at the table and watched, occasionally making suggestions that Misato insisted was unnecessary, only to do them anyway. After a while, Shinji decided his time was better spent on other things, so he heated some water and prepared coffee.

Ritsuko appeared just as Misato finished up making the food. “Morning,” she said.

Misato took a moment to look up at her… and then immediately went back to focusing on the eggs.

“Good morning, Dr. Akagi,” Shinji said. “Do you want coffee?” He offered her a cup.

Ritsuko drank it. “Not bad.”

“Better than anything you’ve ever made,” Misato said sarcastically. She put a plate on the table. “I’m going to eat with Asuka this morning,” she said. “You’re welcome to join if you like, Shinji.”

Shinji was about to say “yes,” but hesitated. “Actually,” he said. “I think I’ll eat with Dr. Akagi today.”

Misato raised an eyebrow. “Well…okay.” She put another plate on the table before disappearing into the bedroom.

“How did you sleep?” Shinji asked as Ritsuko sat down.

“Not bad,” Ritsuko said. “Thanks, by the way.”

“For what?”

“For… convincing Katsuragi. I don’t think she would have let me stay otherwise.”

Shinji shrugged. “You helped us. You didn’t deserve to get thrown out like that.” He began eating and cringed slightly. “…little too much salt,” he warned.

Ritsuko tasted it. “Is this powdered egg?”

“It is. We’re making do with what we have.”

“Ever thought about raising chickens?”

“… strangely enough, yes.”

* * *

Asuka tried her first bite. “You put in a little too much salt,” she said.

Misato was already halfway through her plate. “Well… maybe you need salt. You lost blood, that probably means you lost salt so… you’re getting more salt from eating this, right?”

Asuka stared. “I don’t think that’s how that works.”

“Well I’m not asking Ritsuko about that,” Misato muttered.

Asuka looked around. “Is Shinji around?” she asked.

“He’s in the kitchen,” Misato replied. “I think he didn’t want Ritsuko to eat alone.”

“Oh.” Asuka looked at her plate. “I… kind of wanted to talk to him.”

Misato laughed. “Two weeks of semi-peaceful living and you still haven’t had enough of him, have you?”

Asuka laughed too, although she didn’t find it that amusing.

* * *

Ritsuko had been staring at Shinji for a while when he finally noticed. “Is something wrong?” he asked.

“How?” she asked.

“How what?”

“I saw your heart during Instrumentality. There was so much hatred for the two of them, for everyone at NERV. How are you this… this… adjusted?”

Shinji stopped eating and looked at her funny. “I… don’t know,” he said. “But… I don’t _feel_ adjusted?

“You don’t?”

“I still dream,” he said quietly. “Of the people we lost, who haven’t come back… what could happen when they do…” He stared at his plate. “They’re not good dreams.”

“I see. Well… what about Asuka and Misato?”

He looked in the direction of the bedroom. “It’s like what I said last night. I could dwell on the past, it’s just… I think there’s more important things at the moment.”

Ritsuko smiled. “You know, I know some adults who aren’t as mature as that.”

“Like Ms. Misato?”

Ritsuko thought for a moment. “She’s a child at heart,” she shrugged, before continuing to eat.

“I’ve noticed,” Shinji replied. He watched Ritsuko eat. “Did you dream last night, Dr. Akagi?”

“I did, yes.”

“What did you dream about?”

She took a very long time to answer. “I dreamt about my cat.”

* * *

“How are you feeling today, Asuka?”

“Well, I’m in pain. And the percocet makes my stomach tumble but I haven’t thrown up.”

“That’s good.” Ritsuko felt her head. “No fever. Did you take the antibiotics?”

“Ms. Misato gave them to me this morning.”

“Good. She has the instructions on the dosage, but in case she forgets—”

“I’m not going to forget,” Misato spoke up from the corner of the room, where she’d been watching Ritsuko like a hawk since she came in to do the check-up.

“…in the event that she might forget, you should also stay on top of the routine. Now, full disclosure: you’re not going to be able to leave your bed unless it’s an emergency for at least two weeks, and you won’t be able to use your legs without the cast or splint for eight.”

Asuka sighed. “Great.”

“But, on the plus side—once those eight weeks are up, you can remove the cast for good, I’ll take the pins out of your leg, and with some good physical therapy you’ll be out and about in as little as 4 months!”

“Is there really no easier way to get through this?” Asuka asked. “You’re a scientist who worked for a vague, yet menacing government entity, how could you not have a secret cure-all for injuries?”

“Well, let’s just say our funding was focused on other projects. Sorry Asuka, you’re going to have to recover from this like any normal girl.”

“… _wunderbar_ ,” Asuka muttered.

“Do you have any questions?”

“Where’s Shinji?”

Ritsuko blinked. She hadn’t expected that. “I think he’s upstairs right now. Said he wanted to read something.”

“Come on, Asuka,” Misato teased. “It’s not like you want him to watch your physical, do you?”

Asuka glared. “You are on thin ice this morning,” she said without sincerity.

“Ahem,” Ritsuko coughed. “I meant questions about your condition.”

Asuka thought for a moment. “How do I bathe?” she asked. “Or go to the bathroom?”

“Well, you can’t take any baths until the sutures heal, which will take a couple of days. Until then you’ll have to take sponge baths.”

“I can help with those,” Misato offered. Then, she added, “Unless, of course, you want Shinji to—”

“Get real!” Asuka said, a little too quickly.

“Going to the bathroom is the same situation,” Ritsuko continued. “You can do it, but you’ll need someone to help you.”

“So… do I have to wait for a few days to do that, too? Or…?” Asuka shifted a little uncomfortably.

“…do you need to go to the bathroom?” Ritsuko asked.

“I’ve had to go since last night.”

“Ah. Uh…Katsuragi?”

“Come on, Asuka,” Misato said as she carefully helped Asuka get out of the bed. “This is going to be the best bonding experience we’ll ever have!”

Asuka scowled. “Don’t make this weird, Misato.”

“Ah, we’re already making progress: you’ve graduated to dropping honorifics!”

* * *

Ritsuko felt Shinji’s arm and frowned.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

“Well…no, nothing to be too worried about,” she said.

“ _Too_ worried?” Shinji asked.

“Shinji, what have you been eating?”

Oh boy. “Mostly instant foods,” he admitted.

“High in sodium and calories,” Ritsuko nodded. “Not so high in nutritional value. You’ve lost a lot of muscle, Shinji, though I doubt that’s surprising to you.”

“…I didn’t even know I had muscle to begin with.”

“Oh, you did, no matter how scrawny you were. That vegetable garden was a good plan, but you can only go so far with that. You need a lot more vitamins and protein, the powdered eggs aren’t going to cut it.”

Misato blinked. “So…what does that mean?”

“Vitamin supplements from a pharmacy should do both you and Asuka some good. As for protein… well, unless you’re up for growing beans, I think it might be time to consider going hunting.” Ritsuko shrugged. “Who knows? Maybe you’ll become a butcher when society rebuilds.”

Shinji laughed.

Misato was silent. She had a strange look on her face.

“…Ms. Misato?” Shinji asked.

“I’m going to kill that bear,” she said.

* * *

Ritsuko wasn’t entirely sure how she’d been dragged into this endeavor. She guessed it was because Misato didn’t want her alone in the house with either Asuka or Shinji.

“Are you sure about this?” Ritsuko asked when Misato emerged from the gun shop carrying a hunting rifle.

“You said we should take up hunting,” Misato replied. “What’s a better hunt than a bear? Lots of meat.”

“I was… thinking more in terms of… rabbits… or I don’t know, deer.”

“Go big or go home.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

Misato stuck the rifle into the back of the truck and soon they were on their way towards the Homac parking lot.

“You’re doing a good job,” Ritsuko remarked.

“A good job on what?”

“Raising them.”

“I don’t need you to tell me that.”

“I’m serious! I mean, I could never imagine you and Asuka would be that close, and Shinji’s practically a completely different person!”

“That’s all them,” Misato replied. She looked at Ritsuko. “I’m just helping things along. Those two were forced to grow up long before they should have. By people like you.”

Ritsuko knew better than to say what she was thinking: _I’m no more responsible for where they are now than you._

* * *

Asuka closed her comic book. It was part of a series that Shinji had recommended while they were at the mall. At first she thought it was too weird: it was full of allegory and bizarre storytelling techniques, and it had a really dark ending. But strangely, she found herself re-reading it every chance she got, hoping to find more things she missed on her first read-through.

It wasn’t exactly like she had much choice, though. There wasn’t a whole lot of entertainment available for her right now.

She wanted to scratch at her stitches. God, this was going to be torture.

Maybe she and Shinji could hang out. At least there’d be someone to talk to.

“Hey Shinji!” she called out. “Are you in the living room?”

There was a very long silence. “Yeah!”

“Could you come in here for a minute?”

More silence. “Why?”

“What do you mean, ‘why’?! I wanna talk to you!”

More silence. “I’m busy!”

“Doing what?!”

“I’m uh…I’m cleaning the kitchen!”

Asuka thought for a minute. “No you’re not! You clean the kitchen after meals! Lunch was over an hour ago!”

Silence. “…Oh, so it was!”

“You’re not… doing something _indecent_ are you?”

Silence.

“SHINJI IF YOU’RE IN THE LIVING ROOM DOING YOU-KNOW-WHAT I SWEAR—”

“I’m here!” Shinji appeared in the doorway, looking flustered. “I wasn’t…I wasn’t doing anything!”

“Show me your palms!”

He held out his hands. “Clean, see?” He turned them around a few times to demonstrate.

Asuka crossed her arms. “Something’s bothering you. You’ve been avoiding me all day.”

“What? I haven’t been—”

“Don’t deny it! You ran away when I woke up, you ate with Dr. Akagi… I didn’t even see you at lunch!”

“I was letting you and Misato catch up!” he protested. “You… have to make up for lost time.”

Asuka sighed. He had a point. “She’s… not so bad, I guess.”

Shinji had to smile at that.

“Well, anyway, I’m bored! Wanna hang out?”

“Uh…” he looked around. “Well… good things don’t usually happen when you get bored.”

“Har har.” Asuka glared at him. “I meant something _fun_. Like, I don’t know, play games? Drag the TV in here and watch a movie? Read books quietly? I can’t leave the room by myself and I doubt you have the strength to carry me anywhere, so… I just need something to do.”

Shinji shrugged. “Okay.” He disappeared briefly and returned carrying a book. He sat himself in the chair Misato had previously occupied.

Satisfied, Asuka grabbed the next book in the series and began reading it.

She decided to hold off on asking him about the closet. She was more comfortable just hanging out with him quietly over complicating things.

Shinji, on the other hand, was as far from comfortable as possible.

* * *

**Misato vs Bear, Round 2!**

Misato sniffed the tracks on the pavement. “These were made recently,” she said.

“You had to smell it to guess that?”

They had arrived in the parking lot of the Homac, where the group had encountered the bear. Misato had stationed the truck around the spot where they had seen it run off—towards a dense forest.

“Come on,” Misato said.

“I think I’ll stay with the truck,” Ritsuko replied.

“Coward.” Misato gripped her rifle and marched off into the trees.

Ritsuko crossed her arms, fully prepared to remain until Katsuragi inevitably gave up and they would leave empty-handed.

But it only took about ten seconds for her to start following. _That woman is going to get herself killed_.

She found Misato hiding within some bushes.

“Are you sure this is—”

“Shush! We have to be quiet, so the bear will get close!”

“I—”

“Get in the bush or go away!”

Ritsuko sighed, before reluctantly climbing into the bush next to Misato. “This is insane, you know that? Even for you.”

“I gotta kill this bear,” Misato replied. “For our survival. We need food. Plus, it’s a petty annoyance, and it’d give me nothing but pleasure to shoot any petty annoyance right between the eyes.”

Ritsuko blinked. “That remark was aimed at me, wasn’t it?”

Misato didn’t reply.

Ritsuko sat on the ground and made herself as comfortable as was possible with a bunch of branches poking into her. “Look, Katsuragi, I get it. You know how to use a gun. But this is a hunting rifle. It’s slower than a handgun. If you miss your shot, that bear is going to come after you and you’re not going to know what to do. It’s bigger and a lot more bloodthirsty than a JSSDF soldier, if you’re trying to get some kind of—”

“Hey Ritsuko?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.” And she returned to scoping out the terrain.

Ritsuko sighed. She wasn’t sure where this obsession with the bear was coming from. From what she’d heard, it wasn’t like the bear had actually caused them any harm beyond a scare. This seemed like a disproportionate—

“Shush!”

“I didn’t say any—!”

“Shut up! It’s there!”

“It is?”

Sure enough, there it was: the same bear that had harassed them the other day… or at the very least one that looked very similar. It wasn't like they knew much about bears to tell the difference.

“Hello, you,” Misato grinned. She aimed her rifle squarely towards the bear’s head. “We’re gonna feast on bear stew tonight.” She curled her finger around the trigger, took a deep breath, and fired.

With a loud bang, the gun fired, sending the bullet zipping out of the barrel, through the brush, and straight at the bear’s head… and then passing it by mere inches and lodging itself in a tree trunk.

“I missed?” Misato stared in disbelief. “How’d I miss?!”

“You didn’t adjust the scope before you fired! You need to—”

“Will you shut up? It’s getting away!”

The bear, clearly startled by the loud noise, seemed interested in getting as far away from its current location as possible.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Misato re-aimed the gun and pulled the trigger, only to hear a distinct click. “What the hell?”

“The casing! You’re supposed to eject—”

“I know!” Misato hissed. She ejected the casing and hastily re-aimed the gun towards the bear and fired.

This time, the bullet grazed its target—though this only seemed to make the bear even more eager to run for it. It made a growl, picked up speed, and disappeared into the forest.

“Hey!” She stood up. “HEY! Get back here and let me kill you!”

“You think that’s gonna attract it?”

“COME BACK, YOU STUPID ANIMAL!” Misato immediately made a move to run after it, only to trip over some branches and fall face-first into the dirt, dropping the rifle on the ground next to her.

Ritsuko came over. “Are you okay?”

The response was a muffled scream into the dirt.

“…I’m going to take that as a yes.”

Misato pushed herself off the ground. **_“FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BEAR!”_**

“Yelling only scares it away.”

 ** _“FUUUUUCK!”_** Misato threw the rifle down and marched off back towards the truck. **_“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK…!”_** and so on.

Ritsuko picked up the rifle and followed. “This day gets better every minute,” she remarked.

* * *

Asuka closed the book. “God, this series is depressing,” she said. “I can’t believe you got me into this, Shinji. I mean, the ending is dark, everyone’s either dead or emotionally scarred…it’s ridiculous.”

“…didn’t you read that one already?”

“Are you kidding? This is my third binge-read.” She tossed the book onto her nightstand and grabbed the first issue. “Fourth time’s a charm.”

“I guess.”

She buried her nose in the book and started to read. But she couldn’t focus—she had the sense that something was off.

She looked over at Shinji, who seemed to be squirming in his seat. “What?!” she asked.

“I didn’t say anything!” he protested.

“You can’t even sit still! What the hell is bothering you?!”

“Nothing!” he lied as he glanced at Asuka’s legs.

Asuka noticed. “What, you’re worried about these?” she asked. “It’s…annoying, but I’ll be able to walk in a few months.” She playfully punched his shoulder. “Then I’m gonna be pulling my weight around the house again!”

Shinji kept staring at her legs. Specifically, the leg that had taken the most damage.

“I’m serious!” she said. “It’s fine, stop worrying about it.”

Silence.

“Shinji, stop looking at my leg.”

Silence.

“Hey! Moron! Look at me, not my leg!”

After a moment he turned and looked at her. There was something on his face she couldn’t quite read. Was it… _pity_?

“This is all me, Shinji,” she said. “I did this to myself, so don’t feel sorry for me, okay?”

“Okay,” he whispered.

**He thinks you’re wretched.**

“Shinji. Don’t feel sorry for me.”

“I don’t,” he said.

**He’s lying.**

“Don’t pity me, Shinji.”

“I…”

**He thinks you are beneath him.**

“Stop it.”

**Why won’t he talk to you?**

“Stop it, Shinji!”

He tried to look away.

“No, look at me and tell me you don’t pity me, Shinji!”

He looked back, but his face still wore shame.

“What good is you pitying me going to do, Shinji?! Do you think I’m pathetic?!”

“Asuka—”

**He will never understand you.**

“I’m **not** pathetic, Shinji! I’m strong!”

Silence.

**You will never understand him.**

“I’m strong, Shinji!”

“I know!”

“I’m stronger than you!”

“I know!”

“SO DON’T FEEL BAD FOR ME SHINJI, DON’T EVEN-agh!” She winced. In her excitement she had shifted her legs a little too abruptly, sending jolts of pain through her.

Shinji, surprised, reached out. “Are you—”

 ** _“GO AWAY!”_** Asuka screamed. “GET OUT!”

Shinji, without hesitation, bolted out the door.

“Wait!” Why did she do that?! “Wait, no, come b—!” Another jolt of pain, and she had to actually curl into herself from the intensity.

Why did she always have to push him away?

**Because you can never let him see you as a victim.**

…

**You can never let yourself be helpless in his presence again.  
**

…

**Because you can’t bear the thought that he could ever think you are beneath him.**

…

**Because he can only be two things.**

**Beneath you.**

**Or just like you.**

* * *

Ritsuko leaned against her arm as she waited for Misato to finish whatever it was she needed to get from the store. She figured it was a supply run to make up for her failure to kill the bear.

It was probably for the best that Misato gave up after the bear ran away. She wasn’t sure what she could have done to stop her had they ended up going further into the forest. They would have had either a wacky adventure where Misato would have finally bagged the bear, or they would have been eaten.

Who was she kidding? They would have been eaten.

She heard a loud _wump_ and turned around in time to see Misato throw a large box of something into the back of the truck. She took a closer look—and quickly recognized the Yebisu branding.

“You can’t be serious,” Ritsuko said as Misato climbed into the drivers’ seat.

“What?” she replied innocently. “Never been refrigerated, should still be good.”

Ritsuko sniffed. “You sampled a can, didn’t you?”

“More like several! Warm, but still fizzy!”

“What are Shinji and Asuka gonna think when they find out you’re drinking again?”

“They’ve got their own problems to worry about! Besides, when I kill that b-b-bear and get them some meat, they won’t care.”

“What?! I thought you gave up on killing that thing!”

“N-not even close!” Misato reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a can of beer. “We’re just here to calm my nerves again.” She cracked it open and began chugging.

“Oh my god.” Ritsuko covered her face with her hands. “This isn’t happening.”

Misato finished the can, opened the door, and threw the empty metal cylinder out of the truck. “Alright, _Ritchan_ , let’s go kill ourselves a bear!” She cracked open another can and turned on the car before taking another glug.

“Wait, hold on—you’re going to drive drunk?!”

“Don’t be ridiculous! I’m going to drunk drive!” She opened the window and raised the can to the air as if giving a toast. “Hallelujah, let’s do this!”

_Click._

Misato looked to her right to see the barrel of the rifle pointed straight at her face.

“No,” Ritsuko said patiently. “No, we are not doing this.”

“What the hell are you—”

“Get out of the driver’s seat. I’m driving us back to the house.”

“What? No! We’re bear hunting!”

“Not anymore we’re not. Your obsession with this bear is gonna get one or the both of us hurt, so we’re going home. Move it, Ahab.”

After a moment, Misato muttered something explicit before getting out of the driver’s seat and switching places with Ritsuko.

Ritsuko sat down, unloaded the rifle, tossed it into the flatbed, and restarted the car. Soon enough they were on the road heading back to the house.

Misato continued drinking her warm beer, which was tasting more unpleasant by the second. “Why do you have to ruin the fun?” she grumbled.

“You’re not thinking straight,” Ritsuko said. “Better to go home and sleep on it.”

“You don’t understand!” Misato complained. “I _need_ to kill that bear! It almost ate Shinji last week!”

“Well then even worse, you’re on a petty revenge scheme.”

“It’s not revenge! I’m p-protecting them!”

There was a silence. “This is about Asuka, isn’t it?” Ritsuko sighed.

“It’s not _just_ about Asuka, it’s about the both of them! It’s about me being their… their mother!”

The truck came to a grinding halt as Ritsuko slammed her foot on the brakes.

Some of Misato’s beer spilled onto her lap. “Ah, come on!”

“Look,” Ritsuko said as she stared out at the road. “I get that you hate me and everything I represent in a post-Third Impact world. I hate me, too. But maybe you’ll suspend your unbridled rage towards me for just a couple of seconds to hear some friendly advice.”

Misato glared. “What?”

Ritsuko turned to Misato. “Being a mother isn’t _just_ about protecting your kids from harm. It’s about nurturing them, providing guidance, being there for them when they need you. You know, _taking care of them_. If you get yourself killed by a bear—or worse, in a car crash—then guess what? You’re not going to fill that role.” She stepped on the gas and they were driving again. “You’re basically no better than their birth mothers.”

Misato sat there in silence, stunned.

“…how the hell do you know so much about being a mother?” she asked finally.

“Let’s just say my mom and I had some long talks about my childhood.” She looked at Misato earnestly. “If you care so much about their lives, maybe don’t treat your own life so recklessly.”

Misato thought for a very long time. She looked at the beer can she still held, before opening the window and tossing it out onto the road, letting the rest of it spill. “They’re better cold, anyway,” she muttered.

Ritsuko smiled.

“Still…” Misato said. “I would’ve liked to come back with some actual meat. It’s like you said, they still need better nutrition.”

Ritsuko slowed the truck and let it come to a stop on the side of the road. “Well… dinnertime’s not for a couple more hours,” she shrugged. She opened the car door, stepped out, and grabbed the rifle. “Come on.”

“What?”

“We’re going see if we can catch something smaller. Like a rabbit, I don’t know.”

“I can barely handle that rifle right now.”

“Well then, I need someone to help me keep an eye out.”

Misato sat there quietly.

“If you come, I’ll tell Shinji and Asuka you caught everything yourself.”

Misato turned to look at Ritsuko. Then, grinning slightly, she got out of the truck and followed her into the woods.

* * *

“This is Tokyo-3, broadcasting on all channels. I am trying to make contact with any of the Returned. Is anyone out there?”

Silence.

“Tokyo-3 to the Returned, is anyone out there?”

Silence.

“Tokyo-3… can anybody hear me?”

Silence.

He was about to start the cycle again when a voice called out from the bedroom, “You gonna keep doing that all day?”

He lowered the transmitter and sat there in silence.

“Shinji, can you come back? I want to talk.”

Silence.

“Shinji, come on!”

Silence.

“…well at the very least could you bring me a glass of water? I need to take more painkillers.”

Shinji sighed. He went to the kitchen, got Asuka a glass, and then entered her room.

She looked positively miserable.

“How long have you needed to take the painkillers?” he asked.

“A while,” she admitted.

He decided not to ask why she’d waited. So he handed her the glass and the bottle of percocet, and watched her take her medication.

“How do you feel?” he asked.

“Lousy,” was the reply. “This stuff doesn’t _really_ do that much. It just turns a sharp pain into a dull pain. I would take more, but Misato doesn’t want me getting addicted to this stuff.”

“That’s probably for the best.”

Silence.

“I’m not crazy,” Asuka said. “I know you were avoiding me all day.”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Are you sorry, Shinji? What exactly are you sorry for?”

“…”

“Unbelievable. Back to our old habits. All it took was a building falling on top of me. Didn’t realize it was that easy.”

Shinji had to suppress a laugh. “Asuka!”

“Maybe you should go explore those ruins, _baka_. That’ll give things a real hard reset.”

They both laughed a little.

She took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have exploded at you like that before.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Shinji said quickly.

“No, I think I do.” Asuka looked at her cast. “The thing is Shinji… when I was under that rubble. I felt helpless. I honestly thought that was going to be it. It would’ve been a pathetic fate, dying from a building collapse. Certainly compared to the last one I got. And…well now, I’m like this. But for some reason… I can’t stand the idea of you feeling sorry for me.” She looked at him. “The thought that you’d pity me… It’s something the old me would have hated. I thought I was better than that now, but—”

“It’s because you don’t want to be a victim,” Shinji said.

She blinked. “What?”

“We’ve been getting through the past few weeks because so much of what we went through was the both of us getting hurt the same. But if one of us feels sorry for the other…it destroys our balance.” He paused. “We’re getting along well because we’re the same. And the moment it seems like we’re not… it’s like we don’t understand each other anymore.” Pause. “Just like before.”

Asuka stared at him. “…funny,” she said. “I had that exact thought earlier.”

He nodded.

“Now why do you suppose that is?”

“What?”

“How could you possibly guess what I was thinking before? Because you’re not psychic, and I doubt this is because we’ve inexplicably become one with each other again. So the only conclusion is that you’ve thought the exact same thing about yourself.”

Silence.

“Shinji… does it have to do with those tally marks in the closet?”

His eyes widened. She’d _seen_ those? No, of course she’d seen them. She lived in this room for a week. But why hadn’t she said anything before?

He looked up at her, suddenly panicked, and she thought to herself, _Well, here it comes._

But just as he opened his mouth to respond—

_“…o-3…transmitting from—can you…”_

They stared at each other as they started to comprehend what they were hearing from the other room.

_“Tokyo—…Kama—transmi…can you…”_

“Shinji, the radio!”

Shinji bolted out of the room straight for the radio. “This is Tokyo-3—I am receiving your transmission, over?”

_“—adjust—can’t hear—”_

“Hang on a second!” Shinji adjusted the dial on the radio. “Unidentified caller, this is Tokyo-3, please repeat transmission, over!”

But all he heard was static. He shifted the dial.

“Tokyo-3 to unidentified caller, please respond!”

Static. He shifted the dial again.

“Tokyo-3 to unidentified caller, please— ** _DAMMIT!”_** He threw the transmitter onto the table. “DAMMIT! DAMMIT! DAMMIT!”

“Hey _baka_! What are you so mad about?”

“There was someone there!” he shouted. “And I messed it up! Now we’ll never know who it was!”

“Who cares?!” Asuka shouted from the other room. “Someone answered our call! You know what that means, right?”

“What?”

“It means we’re not alone anymore!”

* * *

Unbeknownst to the two of them, Ritsuko and Misato were pulling up to the house at that exact moment.

“Well, they’re not bears,” Misato remarked as Ritsuko parked the truck. “But two squirrels and a rabbit are pretty good for the first go-around.” She went to the flatbed and held one of the squirrel corpses up by its tail. She grimaced. “So…how do we cook them?”

“Don’t look at me. I’m a doctor, not chef.”

Misaato shrugged. “Well… we’ll figure something out. I’m sure they’ll like this. This is probably the most exciting thing to happen to them today, anyway.” She hung the rifle over her shoulder, grabbed the dead animals, and carried them into the house. “We’re back!” she called out.

“Misato!” Shinji bolted from the living room and nearly collided with her in his excitement. “We heard someone on the radio!”

“You did?!” Misato forgot all about the squirrels and the rabbit. “Seriously?!”

“I…I don’t know who it was, the transmission cut out before we could get a clear message, I messed something up—”

“It probably wasn’t you!” Asuka called from her room.

Misato quickly moved down the hall into the room, leading Shinji and Ritsuko as she did so.

“I think they must’ve had a malfunctioning radio or something,” Asuka explained. “We’ve been broadcasting on all channels. But the point is—"

“The point is it was definitely a live person!” Shinji finished. "It means we're not alone anymore!"

Misato stared. “We… you made contact.” She turned to Shinji. “You contacted someone. Shinji, you did it!”

“I did?” he asked nervously. “Yeah…yeah, I did!”

Misato made a move to hug him, but was interrupted by Ritsuko’s hand pulling her back. “Katsuragi, the animals.”

“Oh, right. Here you go!” She haphazardly dropped the carcasses into Ritsuko’s hands and immediately hugged Shinji. Then she ran to the bed and hugged Asuka.

Ritsuko watched this with amusement. After everything these three had been through, it was nice to see them have a moment together as a family.

She looked at the dead rabbit. Well, at least the three of them had something more pleasant than an animal corpse to hold on to.

Unlike her. Both literally and figuratively.

* * *

After figuring out how to butcher the squirrel and rabbit, they used the meat and some vegetables from the garden to make a real curry—no more of the instant nonsense. It proved to be one of the most filling meals all of them had had in a while. The four of them ate together in Asuka’s room, which was fun, although Misato noticed that Ritsuko was strangely quiet the whole time.

After dinner, when everyone had apparently gone back to their rooms for the night, Ritsuko decided to make her move. She snuck into the kitchen, grabbed a few packs of the instant ramen they had, and headed out the door.

She had barely made it a few steps from the house when a voice called out. “Leaving so soon?”

She stopped and turned around. Misato was standing behind her, one arm on her hip and the other carrying the box of beer.

“And stealing our supplies,” Misato added, looking at the ramen packets. “For shame, Ritsuko, I thought you were better than that.”

“What are you doing out here?”

“I was trying to sneak this in while Shinji and Asuka weren’t looking.” She patted the box of beer.

“Oh my god, you’re _hiding_ it from them?”

Misato uncomfortably shifted her weight. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

“You honestly think they’re not going to notice you drinking beer in the house? Or are you going to sneak into some hidden place to drink in private?”

“I—this isn’t about me! I’m talking about you! Where do you think you’re going?”

Ritsuko sighed. “Look,” she said. “This is for the best.”

“Why do you say that?”

“You don’t want me here, right? You—”

“Don’t give me that excuse, if I _really_ didn’t want you here I would have stood my ground when Shinji pleaded your case.”

Ritsuko took a deep breath. “I have done _so much_ to hurt those two. And as much as Shinji thinks I deserve another chance… I’m still not sure I do.”

“So what?” Misato walked closer. “You still need a place to stay, so what’s wrong with taking him up on the offer?”

Ritsuko looked at the house. It was a warm, inviting home. But staring at it longer only seemed to convince her even more that she was making the right decision. “…Think about it. You three have lived together for a while now. You’ve developed your own dynamic, and you’ve only built on it since the three of you returned from Instrumentality. I don’t fit into that dynamic, Misato. I’m just… extra baggage. So I’m leaving.”

There was a very long silence.

“So…” Misato said slowly. “You just thought it was okay to leave without saying goodbye?”

Silence.

“No explanation, no warning? Just disappear?”

Silence.

“What about Asuka? Were you just going to abandon her when she’s in the middle of recovery?”

“I wasn’t going to go far… I would’ve, you know, come back once or twice to… to…” She hadn’t _actually_ thought about that part, and it made her feel very guilty indeed.

“Listen here, Ritsuko. I’m… still not sure how I feel about having you in the same house as them. But like Shinji said—for now, it’s in the past. Right now we should be focused on survival. Clearly you understand that, else you wouldn’t have stopped me from going after that bear today. So where are you going to go? Are you just going to sleep outdoors tonight and search for another abandoned house? Are you going to hotwire another car so you can live a life on the road? Do you _know_ how to hotwire a car? What are your plans, exactly?”

Ritsuko didn’t answer.

“If you’re leaving because you’re uncomfortable, that’s fine. But for now, you’re our guest. So until you’re _actually_ ready to go off on your own again… I think it’s best you stay here.” She turned and walked back to the house.

After a moment, Ritsuko followed.

They had only made it a few steps through the doorway when Ritsuko finally spoke. “Misato?”

“Yes, Ritsuko?”

“…thank you.” She started to head for the stairs.

“Leave the ramen.”

“Oh, right.” She handed the ramen packets to Misato and quickly rushed back upstairs.

* * *

Shinji awoke later that night feeling a little thirsty, so he went downstairs to get water. But he stopped when he saw the door to Asuka’s bedroom was open. Peeking in, he was very surprised to see Misato once again snoring in a chair and a bemused Asuka looking at her.

“She asked—well, _insisted_ really—to stay with me while I fall asleep,” Asuka remarked. “But… I guess she got tired.”

Shinji smiled. “I can’t believe you got so close so quickly.”

“Well, her saving my life can have that kind of effect. It’s weird… a week ago I hated her. I honestly wanted _nothing_ to do with her… but now I can’t imagine her ever leaving us.” She looked at Shinji. “I can’t understand it.”

“Well… relationships with the people we love are funny that way,” Shinji said. “You can hate someone one day and love them the next.”

There was a pause. “I think you and I know something about that,” Asuka replied.

They stared at each other for a while.

Finally, Shinji disappeared as he continued to the kitchen to get water.

They knew what was being left unsaid. But neither of them was ready for it.

Not yet, at least.

Shinji poked his head back in on his way back to his room. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Shinji, wait a second.”

“Yes?”

“What do those tally marks in the closet mean?”

He stared at her. _Well, better now than never._ “They’re… they’re supposed to mark every day after I woke up from Third Impact.”

And there it was. But something didn’t add up. “You told me it’d only been a few weeks when I came back.”

“I lied. Asuka, those tally marks aren’t accurate. There was a long period of time where I stopped tracking because I gave up. I don’t know exactly how long I was alone, but it was at least seven months.”

Asuka stared at him. “ _Seven months_?”

He nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me?

He didn’t answer. But after a moment Asuka remembered their conversation earlier in the day, and suddenly it all made sense. "Is that why you've been avoiding me all day? Because you didn't know how to talk about it?"

He didn't give an answer, but it was pretty clear.

“I see. Well…” She glanced down at her legs. “I guess now we’re even.”

Silence.

“Shinji… could you stay here while I fall asleep?”

He looked around. “There’s nowhere to sit.”

“Yes there is.” She cringed as she carefully shifted herself so there was more space on the bed for Shinji.

Shinji stared. “In…in the same bed?”

“Keep your head together, pervert, I just want company.”

He looked at Misato. “What’s she going to think?”

Misato gave another snort in her sleep.

“What’s she gonna do, throw you out? Just get in here already.”

Shinji gulped as he walked over and sat down in the bed next to Asuka. “I’ll stay as long as you need me to,” he said.

* * *

When Ritsuko awoke the next morning, she immediately went downstairs to check on Asuka.

Upon stepping into the bedroom, she was greeted by an interesting sight: Shinji and Asuka lying next to each other on the bed, and Misato snoring in a nearby chair.

Ritsuko smiled. She wished she had a camera on her. She could take a photo right there and have it labelled “Family Portrait.”


	10. The Last Days of Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some short tales of our band of survivors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back!
> 
> Well, no, not really. I'm still working on the next couple of chapters. But one of the things I realized was that there are a lot of potential stories that could come from the post-Third Impact environment worth exploring, although a lot o them wouldn't make for very interesting episodes. So I decided to make an "interlude" of sorts for this story. I present to you, "The Last Days of Autumn," a series of short stories set in the weeks after the previous chapter.

**Colder winds bite as they brush past your face.**

**The last leaves fall from the trees, leaving barren branches in their wake.**

**Change is in the air. And with that change comes the last days of autumn in Tokyo-3.**

* * *

**Episode 10: The Last Days of Autumn**

**Asuka**

She is having trouble sleeping.

Sometimes it’s the nightmares. The sensation of being torn limb from limb. The intense feeling of loss in those final months before the end of the world. The fear of the house collapsing around her and finding herself buried under a pile of rubble with no hope of rescue.

But more often than not, it’s her arm.

She does not know what happened. It never bothered her when she first returned. But something happened after her accident. She woke up one night with a searing pain running down the length of her entire right arm. In a near hallucinatory daze, she tried to crawl out of bed to reach the painkillers on the dresser—thankfully, Misato had chosen to sleep in her room that night, and woke up in time to stop her from doing anything stupid.

She refused to tell Misato what happened. She wasn’t sure she understood it herself. The next day she snuck in an extra dose of the painkillers just to be sure. It made her stomach churn, but she thought it worked…until the next night, when the pain in her arm came back in full force.

She’s trained herself to ignore if it starts hurting during the day. But at night it’s much worse. At night she feels a line of pure agony running from her hand all the way to her shoulder.

She tries to distract herself so she can muster the energy to fall asleep. She thinks about the good things from her life before Third Impact, before her injury.

Unit 02? Well…her feelings on that are a little complicated now.

Shinji? Still complex.

Kaji—oh, no, she’s not even touching that one.

Okay, she’s thinking smaller now.

Freshly cooked pork cutlets. Twice fried, with some rice and black sesame seeds.

Whenever she gets access to pork, she’ll make Shinji cook it for her.

Wait…nononono, _she_ will cook it for herself. What, like she needs Shinji to do everything for her?

Having breakfast around a table. With people she can actually tolerate being around. Before everything fell apart. Before you were neglected. Before you were rejected. Before—

Don’t think about what happened next. Just focus on the good.

A trip to the hair salon.

Reading a really well-written book.

Eating out.

Seeing a movie.

Watching TV.

Laughter.

She remembers laughter.

When was the last time she genuinely laughed?

When was the last time she felt happy?

Was it doing any of the things that she thinks were good things?

“You never know what you have until it’s gone.”

She dwells on this for some time.

The pain subsides. For now.

She feels tired once more.

She closes her eyes.

* * *

She will wake up in an hour and start all over again.

* * *

**Ritsuko**

_“Listen here, Ritsuko. I’m… still not sure how I feel about having you in the same house as them. But like Shinji said—for now, it’s in the past. Right now we should be focused on survival…”_

She was plagued by the distinct feeling that she was not welcome in this house.

It wasn’t outright feelings of hostility. Shinji was nice: when he wasn’t in the greenhouse or hanging out with Asuka he was happy to chat with Ritsuko every chance he got. Asuka was neutral—they had never been particularly close, but she was on some level grateful to Ritsuko for fixing her leg and guiding her rehabilitation, so they kept things friendly. Misato, who had been the most hostile at the start, eased up—she knew Ritsuko was making an honest effort, and that she otherwise had nowhere to go.

But even with that knowledge, Ritsuko felt unwelcome. She got the impression that Shinji and Asuka were kind to her because they had no reason to be rude to a roommate—and that was what she was, a roommate. And though Misato kept the outright hostilities to a minimum, she was not in the mindset to simply forgive and forget everything Ritsuko had done back at NERV.

Every day there was at least one occurrence where Misato would make it clear she held Ritsuko responsible for hurting her kids. Sometimes it was prompted by Ritsuko making a comment on how they were so different from how she remembered—Misato would be quick to remind her who was at fault. Sometimes it was completely unprompted—they would be alone and Misato would say something snarky. Once she went so far as to claim she was tempted to take the kids and run away, as she should have done a long time ago.

In these moments Ritsuko would curse Commander Ikari or Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki for not returning so Misato could take out her anger on _them_. Instead, she was there to pick up the pieces.

Ritsuko missed feeling needed. What was she contributing to the household? Shinji had the greenhouse, Misato did the hunting, Asuka was… mostly out of commission, but still doing chores like folding laundry in her spare time. What was Ritsuko doing? She was helping Asuka’s recovery, sure, but that wasn’t a daily task. It was almost like she was a live-in doctor, and that wasn’t exactly the most stimulating of activities.

* * *

It began three days after she tried to leave.

She was quietly eating in the kitchen with the rest of them when she saw Shinji start his daily broadcast.

Shinji had been spending longer amounts of time by the radio during his free time—he did not want to miss another broadcast from their unknown caller. It had gotten to the point that he was usually reluctant to do anything else, including eating his breakfast. He only left when Misato literally dragged him back to the table. After that he returned to his task.

Ritsuko watched as he remained at the radio for most of the morning, until Asuka basically demanded his company. When that happened, Ritsuko offered to take over listening to the radio. He let her.

She sat down in front of the radio and began the transmission.

“To anyone listening: this is Tokyo-3, attempting to make contact with any Returned from Third Impact. Can anyone hear me, over?”

Silence.

“This is Tokyo-3. We are a small group of survivors, attempting to make contact with any Returned. Can you hear me, over?”

Silence.

“Tokyo-3, can anyone hear me, over?”

And she listened. No sound.

Shinji did not come back for a bit. When he did, he relieved her of her duty and went back to watching the radio. But she sat nearby, curiously listening as well.

The next day Misato got Shinji away from the radio for long enough to talk about their winter food supply plans. When it became clear that Shinji would have to spend most of the day in the greenhouse, Ritsuko quickly volunteered to monitor the radio for the day in his place.

_“This is Tokyo-3, broadcasting on all open channels. Is anybody listening?”_

The next day Shinji came downstairs and was very surprised to see Ritsuko sitting at the radio. He offered to take her place but she politely declined.

_“Tokyo-3 to any of the Returned, can you hear me?”_

The day after that she was back at the radio, listening in. When Shinji saw this, he said nothing.

_“Tokyo-3, can anyone hear me?”_

This was her purpose in this household. She was now their communications operator. The radio broadcaster.

At the radio, she was doing something helpful, but she was also blending into the scenery. Shinji would give her a “hi” and Misato might notice her when she spoke, but here she could simply disappear into the room. She wasn’t bothering anyone, and she was still doing something that benefitted the house.

And that made her feel happier.

Even though she still didn’t feel welcome.

* * *

**Shinji**

Shinji brushed the dirt off the potato and did a cursory look around for any spots he missed. Seeing none, he dropped it into the bucket.

It was getting colder, and Misato said that chances were high they might see some snow in the coming weeks. Shinji had never seen real snow before—to him, snow meant the holidays and snowmen and snowballs and such. To Asuka, who had grown up in Germany, snow meant dreary cold days year-round.

Ritsuko and Misato, however, remembered seasons from before Second Impact, and therefore knew what precautions to take. So Shinji’s task was ensuring they had a good supply of vegetables.

He picked up his trowel and was about to dig for another potato when he happened to glance over at the small flowerpot he had set up on the workbench. He stood up and looked at it.

* * *

_He put on the wide-brimmed hat he had found and began his trek through town. This was his daily ritual—he would set out after breakfast to search for any signs of life. He would begin at the shoreline, walking along the beach looking for the bodies of anyone who were brought in with the tides. Then he would walk through the streets of the suburbs, occasionally calling out at the empty buildings and grabbing any supplies he thought would be useful, before looping back along the shoreline and returning to the house in time for lunch._

_Each morning he would think,_ Today will be the day I find someone. Today someone will appear, and I won’t be alone anymore.

_But this possibility seemed to decrease with each day._

_On an impulse, he grabbed a rock he saw lying on the ground and threw it into the distance. He watched it land harmlessly a few meters away. He approached it, picked it up, and threw it again. It landed a little further along than the previous throw._

_He was about to pick it up and repeat the task when something caught his eye—a brief flash of purple. Puzzled, he walked over to some nearby bushes to discover something he hadn’t expected to see, something that seemed very much out of place in these suburban ruins._

_A single, blooming flower._

_He cautiously knelt down next to it and gently cupped the bulb. This flower had bloomed recently. How that was possible was beyond him—he couldn’t imagine what Third Impact had done to the carbon cycle. But the flower was alive and well._

_How long would that last? It hadn’t rained once since he got here. That wasn’t natural, he knew that much. Could this flower survive the Japanese summer out in the wild like this? What if some animal got to it?_

_No, this wouldn’t do. So he sprinted back home, grabbed a flower pot and a trowel, and ran back to the flower. After some careful digging, he placed the flower into the pot and gently carried it back to the greenhouse._

_He placed it on a workbench where it could get some light and watered the soil._

_He knew this flower wasn’t going to be in bloom forever. But now he had something to take care of in his spare time._

* * *

It looked healthy. The soil was well-maintained, there didn’t seem to be any discoloration on the leaves. This was, by his reckoning, a looked-after plant.

But perhaps he was giving himself a little too much credit, because it hadn’t bloomed. He’d been caring for it for months, and it still wasn’t blooming. And that was starting to annoy him.

Apparently Asuka’s impatience was contagious.

* * *

_Shinji opened the door to the greenhouse to be greeted by a surprising sight. “Asuka?”_

_She whirled around. “Just wanted to see what you had going on in here,” she said. “Don’t let me stop you.”_

_Shinji blinked. Asuka had been back for a few days, but he still wasn’t used to seeing someone in spaces he associated with his solitude. After shaking it off, he shrugged and walked over to one of the planters to start his daily routine._

_Asuka watched quietly for a bit before looking at some of the other plants. Her gaze stopped on the flowerpot. “What’s this?” she asked._

_“It’s a flower,” Shinji replied._

_“I can see that, you moron, but what kind is it?”_

_“I’m not sure, but it’s a nice purple when it blooms.”_

_“Huh.”_

_Shinji returned to tending to his crops. But when he happened to glance over again he was surprised to see Asuka was still staring at the flower. “Uh…Asuka?”_

_“GAH!” Asuka jumped. “Oh, uh… was just…” she looked down and muttered something._

_“What was that?”_

_“I said I was waiting for it to bloom!” she said, embarrassed._

_Shinji laughed. “Give it time.” He walked over and handed the watering can to Asuka. “You just need to be patient with it.”_

_Asuka stared at Shinji for a moment before turning back to the flower. She looked at the watering can in her hand and carefully poured it over the flower._

_“Let me know when it blooms,” she said. “I want to see.” She put the watering can down and quietly left the greenhouse._

* * *

Shinji picked up the watering can and sprinkled some onto the flower.

“Hurry up,” he said quietly.

* * *

**Misato**

Aim.

Fire.

Squirrel drops dead.

Eject the shell.

Scan.

There’s its buddy.

Aim.

Fire.

Squirrel drops dead.

Squirrels are food.

Squirrels are food for Shinji and Asuka.

And Ritsuko, I guess.

Pick up the squirrels.

Lay them out on the log.

Go to your duffel.

Grab a can.

Crack it open.

Imbibe.

Savor.

Don’t think about the fact that you’re hiding your drinking from Shinji and Asuka.

Don’t think about it.

Do _not_ think about it.

**_Don’t you fucking dare—_ **

Discard.

Go back to your spot.

Sit down.

Scan.

Scan.

Scan.

…

**RABBIT!**

Aim.

Fi—

Wait.

Hey, don’t move.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey, don’t—! Goddammit.

Okay. Rabbit got away.

Back to scanning.

Scan.

Another squirrel.

Aim.

Fire.

Squirrel drops dead.

Scan.

Scan.

**RABBIT AGAIN!**

FI—

No, stop—stop moving!

Oh what the hell. Fire.

...Missed?

How did I miss?

Stupid rabbit—hold still!

Where are you going—oh fuck it!

Stand up, run after it.

Wait. It’s gone into that hole.

Bend down.

Look in.

…

…

 **RABBIT** —no… ** _BUNNIES_.**

_THEY’RE CUTE._

**_OH GOD WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE CUTE._ **

There’s Mother Rabbit.

She’s staring at me.

What is she thinking?

_“Eh, what’s up doc?”_

She doesn’t answer. Of course not, she’s a Japanese bunny, she doesn’t speak English.

You’re talking to what was going to be your dinner.

You were about to kill a mother—

No. No, don’t think about it. You’re fending for yourself in this world.

But then again, so is this rabbit.

Look at the dead squirrels.

Eh, that’s enough shooting for today.

“You get a pass today, rabbit. But you’d better stay out of my way, or you and your kids might not be so lucky.”

She stares at me.

Huh. Guess she doesn’t speak Japanese, either.

* * *

Ritsuko looked up as Misato came in. “You’re back early. What’d you get?”

“5 squirrels and some kind of bird.”

"Just... a generic bird?"

"I think it's a pigeon?"

“No rabbits today?”

“…nah.”

* * *

**Act 2**

**Home Sweet Home**

“This is Tokyo-3 broadcasting on all channels. Does anyone copy, over?”

Silence.

Ritsuko had been at it for a week, and nothing had changed. No response, no stray broadcast. Every hour she would run through the various broadcasts, trying to catch something from any frequency. But the entire world was radio silent.

It seemed unfathomable. They knew someone else was out there, so why weren’t there more radio broadcasts?

“Ms. Ritsuko?”

She jumped, looking up in time to see Shinji standing before her with a towel over his hand. “Yes, Shinji?”

“Do you know where the first aid kit is? I cut myself while I was gardening.”

“Oh, sure. Come on—it’s in my room.”

Shinji followed her upstairs and into her room. He watched as she went for a drawer and began rummaging through some things.

While this was happening, he hazarded a look around the room. A week had passed since her return, but were it not for the fact that Ritsuko was standing right there, he could imagine no one lived in this room. The bed only had a loose blanket on it, there were no loose items of clothing anywhere, even the bookshelves were completely empty. When he first found the house, Shinji had moved most of the books on the upper floors into boxes to keep them safe—when they’d finished restoring the roof he’d left the boxes out in the hallway for people to claim things for their shelves. As far as he knew, Ritsuko was the only one who hadn’t taken anything.

“Here we are,” Ritsuko held up the small red kit, only to notice Shinji’s gaze. “Interior design’s not my thing,” she explained.

“Maybe some books?” Shinji suggested as he took the first aid kit and started treating his cut. “Or posters? To spruce the place up a little?”

Ritsuko laughed. “It’s a bedroom, Shinji. I just sleep in here, I don’t need to bother with any decorations.”

Shinji looked over at the windows. Ritsuko had a good view of the sun for most of the day, and that ledge looked large enough that he could place something on there.

“Could you come with me for a second?”

“Where are we going?”

“The greenhouse. I want to show you something.”

* * *

Ritsuko stared at the plant. “What is it?”

“Well, I know it’s a flower, but I’m not sure what kind. It’s purple when it blooms though.”

“When did it last bloom?”

“…well, I guess it would have been around January or February.”

“A winter flower.” Ritsuko poked the bulb. “Might be some kind of peony. Definitely looks like it could bloom any day now.”

“It looks really nice when it does,” Shinji replied. “Maybe it’ll look nice in your bedroom.”

Ritsuko looked at Shinji. “Really?”

“Yeah. You can water it, give it fertilizer. It’ll put some life in your room.”

Ritsuko thought about it, then laughed. “That’s very nice of you, Shinji, but I can’t accept this.”

“Why not?”

Ritsuko opened her mouth to reply, but she hesitated. Why not? “Shinji, I’m only staying in the house until the end of winter at most. I’m here on a temporary basis, growing flowers in my room is kind of… permanent.”

“Speaking of permanent, you’ve been glued to the radio for a week.”

This kid had some decent backtalk. “Well, long as I’m here I’m trying to be useful.”

“I tried that, you know.”

“Tried what?”

“Doing something because I thought I was being useful. It… didn’t turn out so well.”

He had a point. “Shinji, this is _your_ flower. Anyway, it’s just a bedroom.”

Shinji shrugged. “I don’t know. I never felt good when I was sleeping somewhere I didn’t like. All those times I woke up in an unfamiliar room—I always felt out of place. Maybe your room needs that little spark of life.”

Ritsuko stared at the flower. Back in the day, the only thing she took care of at home was her cat. Her cat which she gave away because she was neglecting it, and it subsequently died under someone else’s care.

She hadn’t had much time to mourn that cat. It happened right before everything truly went to shit.

“Well…” What the hell. “Okay.”

Shinji smiled as Ritsuko gently picked up the flowerpot. “Water it twice a day, make sure it stays in the sun,” he explained. “And let me know when it blooms, I want to see.”

* * *

For the next few days, Ritsuko would check on the flower every morning before heading down to breakfast and taking up her position at the radio, and once more before going to bed. On the second day, after noticing it starting to wilt slightly, she moved it to the other window sill where she thought it would get more sunlight. When she noticed the next day that it looked much the same, she decided to come back at lunchtime to change its position so it could get as much sun as possible during the day.

On the fourth day, she woke up feeling oddly…cheerful. She hazarded a glance over at the windowsill…

“SHINJI!”

After a few seconds Shinji came stumbling in. “What is it?!”

“Look!”

Sure enough, the flower’s bulb was just opening with the morning sun. Shinji and Ritsuko walked over to the window sill and stared at it.

“A winter peony,” Ritsuko said in awe.

"Let's take this downstairs! I promised Asuka I'd show it to her when it bloomed!" Shinji turned for the door, only to stop when he noticed Ritsuko was still staring at the flower.

Ritsuko realized she was being watched and quickly but gently picked up the flowerpot. “It really is unbelievable.”

“That’s what I thought,” Shinji replied. “When I saw it. The world seemed so hopeless, but… this flower was blooming. It made me feel like everything would be okay.” And with that, he sprinted out the door. "HEY ASUKA!"

Ritsuko looked down at the little flower in her hands. “Yeah,” she said. “Yeah, maybe everything will be.” And with a slight smile, she followed Shinji out of her room.

* * *

**Musicianship**

Asuka was running out of distractions.

In a bid to stop her arm from bothering her, she tried to keep her hands occupied during the day. She’d tried origami, but after getting a papercut decided this wasn’t an appropriate hobby for her situation. Then she tried playing video games, but it made her thumbs hurt.

She glanced over at the comic book on her nighstand. She’d gone so far as to start writing fanfiction—it made sense, since she wanted to put her own spin on the story. But when she showed it to Shinji—

_“Well?” she asked._

_“Well what?” he asked._

_“Well how is it?”_

_“It’s good.”_

_Pause. “…don’t you have anything more constructive to say?”_

_“Well…I’m not sure how I feel about…how you’re in it.”_

_“What? I’m not in it.”_

_“…you literally named her ‘Akusa.’”_

_“So the name sounds similar, what gives?”_

_“It says right here she’s a fiery red-head with an attitude!”_

_“EEEEHHH?! Just what are you implying, Shinji?!”_

_“Ack! I just meant—”_

_“I don’t have an attitude you little—HEY! Get back here so I can kill you!”_

So yeah, that hadn’t gone well. She’d thought about showing him the other one she wrote, but… no, he might get some inappropriate ideas.

She was in the middle of reluctantly reaching for her notebook to attempt to continue her fanfiction when she heard a knock at the door. “Yeah?” she asked.

“It’s me, can I come in?” Misato’s voice called from outside.

“Sure.”

The door opened and Misato came in carrying something. “I got a present for you while I was out today.”

“If it’s a squirrel I don’t want it.”

“A—what? No, not a squirrel. This!” She ran over and gently placed a large case on Asuka’s lap.

Asuka immediately recognized the shape. She quickly opened it. “A violin?” she asked, stunned.

“I know you’ve been kind of bored these past few days, so I thought this might cheer you up.”

Asuka picked up the violin by the fingerboard and stared at it. “I haven’t played a violin in ages,” she said. “I’m probably out of practice.”

“Well, you know how you get to Carnegie Hall?”

“…I don’t know what that is.”

“It’s a…never mind, it’s an American expression. The point is, maybe it’s a post-Third Impact hobby you can do. I mean, Shinji’s gardening, I’m hunting, Ritsuko’s…doing her thing, so maybe you can play the violin.”

Asuka blinked. She looked at the violin. Misato had a point. This was something she could work at for a while. Plus, it kept her hand occupied. “Well, okay,” she said finally with a slight smile. “Thanks.”

There was a long silence.

“Uh…”

“Oh, I was just… I wanted to watch you play it.”

Asuka looked at the violin. “I’m out of practice, I kind of want some time with it before—”

“Oh, come on, Asuka! I’m sure you remember something! Just something small, okay?”

“Oh. Okay.” Asuka picked up the bow and rubbed it down with rosin. Then, she placed the violin on her shoulder, and started playing on the strings.

“Hey, that was nice! What's that song called?”

“…nothing, I was tuning it.”

* * *

Shinji was in the middle of cutting some vegetables in the kitchen when he heard the sound of a slightly out of tune violin playing a classical music composition he recognized. Puzzled, he walked over to Asuka’s bedroom door and peeked in.

Sitting on her bed, playing a violin while staring at a book she had propped up on a stand, was Asuka. “Ach, Scheiß!” she shouted as the violin made a squeak and she restarted the section.

“Uh, Asuka?” Shinji called out.

“HEY!” Asuka lowered her bow and glared at Shinji. “Get out of here! I’m not letting anyone watch me until I’m ready!”

“Okay.” Shinji retreated to the kitchen.

After a few seconds the violin playing continued.

Shinji let it continue for a few more minutes, but he kept hearing Asuka stopping and restarting sections, usually accompanied by a string of German words he assumed were curses.

Finally he went back to her door and knocked.

“What?!” she called out.

“Your D’s a little flat!” he said.

There was a slight silence. “I knew that!” A few seconds later he heard the distinct sound of plucking, probably Asuka desperately trying to retune the violin.

He put down his knife and returned to her room. “Do you want help?” he asked.

Asuka glared at him again, but then held out the violin for him. Shinji took it and began fiddling with the pegs.

“Where’d you get the violin?” Shinji asked as he did so.

“Misato got it for me this morning,” Asuka replied. “She said it might take my mind off of things.”

“Did it?”

“Well, sort of. Instead of worrying about my leg I’m worrying about getting this stupid song polished.” She slapped the sheet of music emphatically.

Shinji looked. “Vivaldi in A Minor,” he read. “1st movement. That’s not really a beginner’s piece—”

“What?! How dare you! Who said I was a beginner?!” Asuka snatched the violin from Shinji. “I’ll have you know that in my glory days my violin skills outclassed your skill at the cello!”

Shinji’s only exposure to Asuka’s violin-playing had been an Instrumentality-influenced vision of a string quartet of EVA pilots, so the jury was out on how much practical skill Asuka _actually_ possessed. But he wasn’t about to say that out loud. “I believe it.”

“I’m just… out of practice, that’s all.” She pouted. “So, if you wouldn’t mind…”

Shinji sighed. “Sure,” he said. He got up and quickly exited, closing the door behind him.

* * *

The violin playing continued for the rest of the day until dinner—Misato had to physically carry Asuka to the table, as had become the norm in the house, and this meant Asuka had to put the violin down. After dinner, Asuka was too tired to keep playing—her fingertips had become sensitive from the strings.

But the next morning, music was coming from her room once again. And when Misato went in to retrieve Asuka, she emerged empty-handed as the sound of violin-playing followed her out of the room.

“This might have been a mistake,” she said as she sat down at the table.

“I’ll say,” Ritsuko replied. “She’s a perfectionist, I’ll give her that. At least she has the decency not to keep us up all night.”

Shinji looked over at Misato. “Maybe you should confiscate it?”

Misato shook her head. “She’s committed to it at this point. Besides, it’s not my place to take something that makes her happy away from her.”

A massive squeak interrupted the playing, followed by another string of German curses.

“Speaking of hobbies…” Ritsuko looked at Shinji. “Don’t you play the cello?”

Shinji bit his lip. “Not for a while,” he admitted. “In those last few months before Third Impact…it just wasn’t worth it. And afterwards…”

“Bigger fish to fry,” Ritsuko nodded.

“Yeah.”

“Well…” Misato smiled hopefully. “Maybe now might be the time to pick it up again?”

“Really?” Ritsuko raised an eyebrow. “You want two kids playing instru—” There was a loud stomping noise from under the table, and Ritsuko’s sentence was cut off by her making a very pained noise.

Shinji stopped eating for a moment. “I don’t know…” he said. “The only reason I played cello for so long was because no one told me to stop.”

Ritsuko blinked. “What? That doesn’t make any—” There was another stomping noise from below the table and she glared at Misato. “I mean… it’s okay to outgrow hobbies.”

And the conversation moved on to other topics, like figuring out better ways to preserve meat, and what to do to control the temperature in the greenhouse, and contingency plans for the coming winter.

But Shinji wasn’t really paying attention to all that. He was thinking about his time playing cello. True, the only reason he never stopped was because no one ever told him to, but he never really _hated_ the cello. He just didn’t have much reason to think about it.

He looked at his fingers. His callouses had faded long ago, and considering how long it had been since he played, he was probably very rusty. In fact he was probably no worse than—

“Misato?”

“Yeah?”

“Where did you get the violin?”

“Music store over by the strip mall. Why?”

* * *

Asuka growled as she restarted for the twentieth time. “Stupid Vivaldi,” she muttered.

There was a knock at the door.

“What now?!” she called out.

“Can I come in?” Shinji’s voice replied.

“I’m busy!”

There was a pause. “When you play the Bach Double, do you play 1st violin or 2nd violin?”

“…what?”

“If you had to pick a part on Bach’s Concerto for Two Violins, which would it be?”

Asuka thought about it. “Well, 1st violin obviously!”

“Great! That settles it!”

“Settles what?”

"Invite me in and I'll tell you!"

"What are you, a vampire?" She sighed. "Fine, come on in."

The door swung open and Shinji came in, carrying another music stand and a cello. Without a single word, he propped both down in front of the chair, sat down, took out his music, handed a sheet to Asuka, and held his bow at ready.

Asuka blinked, stunned. “Well… 2nd violin starts it. Or cello, I guess.”

Shinji began to play the intro.

“Why play it so slow?” Asuka remarked. “It’s at a higher tempo than that.”

Shinji stopped playing. “I’ve never played this before on a cello,” he explained. “And I haven’t played the cello in ages.”

Asuka grinned mischievously. “Well, okay Shinji. We’ll take it at a lower tempo…for _your_ sake.”

* * *

Ritsuko peeked her head out the door, surprised by the sound of music coming from the ground floor. She stepped out of her room and went over to the stairs to listen.

Sure enough, she could hear Shinji and Asuka dueting on a piece of music. It wasn’t a masterpiece by any means, but they sounded pretty in-sync.

“Such talent,” Misato said, startling Ritsuko. She had also emerged from her room when she was in the middle of nursing a can of beer to listen in.

“They really are a good pair,” Ritsuko mused. "I guess the last few weeks have really brought them together."

Misato laughed bitterly as she started to drink. “You say that like it's a good thing."

"Is it not?"

"Well, long as they're happier, I suppose. But they’re lucky they’re not completely traumatized after what you lot did to them.”

There was a silence.

Ritsuko turned to Misato. “You seriously think they’re _not_ traumatized?”

“What?”

“Think about it for a second—the both of them watched everyone they loved die and everything they held dear fall apart in a very short amount of time. One of them actually died, while the other watched helplessly. Their entire world literally imploded. I’d hate to break this to you, Katsuragi, but those two are scarred for life.”

Misato snorted. “And whose fault do you think that—” There was a loud stomp and Misato let out a squeak as she felt Ritsuko’s heel crush her foot.

“We can get caught up in the blame game for as long as you want,” Ritsuko said. “But here's the truth: regardless of what anyone did, your kids aren't alright. You need to keep a better eye on them.”

“I’m doing fine, thank you,” Misato let out through gritted teeth. "I'm their mother now, and I'm gonna be a better mother than they ever got the chance to have."

“Yeah? And how many of those beers have you had today?”

Silence.

“Hell was wrought upon the Earth, Katsuragi. None of us made it out in one piece. Not Shinji, not Asuka, not me, and _certainly_ not you." She released her foot from Misato's. "Cope with it however you’d like, but you’d better figure out how to juggle that while supporting them.” And with that, Ritsuko disappeared back into her room.

Misato remained at the top of the stairs for a while. She looked at her beer can, briefly considering discarding it…

...and then just as quickly putting it to her lips.

* * *

**Reflection**

A crimson red sky.

A white, sandy beach.

Ruins.

So much destruction.

And, sitting on a small balcony of a house with a clear view of the ocean of LCL, Shinji Ikari.

He stared out towards the sea. He could still make out the remains of the mass production Evas, locked in their cross formation. Lilith was an increasingly gruesome sight as she continued to decay into the horizon.

He had woken up only a short while beforehand. It was insanely early, but he’d had the impulse to come out here.

He stared up at the sky. Sunrise was almost upon them, but he could still make out the stars flickering above.

Somewhere in the darkness was Eva Unit 01. And inside Unit 01 was the soul of his mother.

Shinji had no idea where she was. The Evangelion was out there as a memorial to mankind. Perhaps some celestial being like Lilith would find it and understand all that had happened. Perhaps eventually gravity would do its work and Unit 01 would come crashing down to Earth in a few hundred years.

Would his mother choose to emerge then? Would she remain trapped inside? What was to become of her?

“Hello…mother,” he said to the sky.

There was a silence.

“Mother.” He said the word out loud, giving it a cautious test. “Mother.” The term seemed almost foreign to him. He had vague memories of her from when he was much younger. And he recalled feeling her warmth from within the entry plug. But she was so absent for most of his childhood. Was that really being a mother? Meanwhile he had Misato, who he had clearer memories of, who had been practically doting on him and Asuka since the day she returned.

Ironically, Misato had been more of a mother than his own mother had ever been.

No. No, that wasn’t fair. Regardless of her absence, she was still his mother, and no matter what happened, she’d given her life to protect him.

“It’s been a while since we talked, Mother,” he said. “But… a lot’s happened. People came back—first it was Asuka, then Misato, and Ms. Ritsuko. They all came back within a few weeks of each other. And we got a radio broadcast, so we know there are other people out there.”

There. He’d said all the happy things.

“But… it’s been hard, Mother,” he continued. “I wish it wasn’t. Asuka and I haven’t… you know… because it feels so wrong to do it after everything. Asuka and Misato were at each other’s throats for a while, I actually thought Asuka was going to kill her. Then Asuka got hurt, and Ms. Ritsuko came back but Misato wanted to kill her… and that has nothing on the fact that I tried to kill Asuka when she came back, I mean—” He cut himself off.

This was stupid. What good would babbling on about it do? It wasn’t like she could hear him.

He took a deep breath. “I thought everything would be fine when people started coming back. That things would go back to the way they were.” He looked back out at the horizon. “But… I guess the way things were… nobody was fine.”

**What about now?**

He thought about that for a while. “I think…”

He shivered. It was very cold out. The temperature had been steadily dropping over the past few weeks. It was probably time for him to go inside.

“I think the important thing is we’re still here. Just… now that I have them, getting through this day-by-day doesn’t seem as much of a chore as it used to be.”

An autumn breeze brushed over him.

“Goodbye, Mother,” he said. “I hope you can hear me… wherever you are.” He turned and walked back through the sliding door into the warmth of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Stay tuned, more will come...when it's ready.


	11. Asuka Gets A Wheelchair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter arrives in Tokyo-3. Change is coming, yet some things remain the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back! Did you miss me?
> 
> Just a fair warning, this is gonna be a lot longer than previous chapters, which I guess is a testament to how much trouble I had figuring out how to tell this next part of the story. I don't plan on making individual chapters as long as this, but I figured a lot has to happen at this particular point in the story.
> 
> (Suffice to say, I kind of screwed myself over with this "episodic" format thing.)
> 
> Point is, I plan to make most updates after this one shorter so they're more manageable on my end, and so you, the reader, don't have to worry about hiatuses quite as long as this one has been.
> 
> Please enjoy Reconstruction, Part 2: Winter!

_Blue skies._

_The heat of the sun._

_Grassy fields._

_Serenity._

_She stretches her hand to the sky, reaching out towards the clouds above her…_

* * *

“GAGH!”

Asuka sat up in bed and doubled over as she clutched her arm against her chest. _Not this again,_ **please** _not this again…_

“Asuka?”

She could see it now—a long slice right down the length of her arm, bone splitting apart, blood and—

“Asuka!”

Someone was speaking to her. Who? It was so dark.

 _Flick_. Lights. “Asuka, deep breaths!”

She squinted as her eyes adjusted to the light. Her vision cleared—Misato was right next to her, with a comforting arm on her back.

“Deep breaths, Asuka. Come on.”

Breathe in. Breathe out. She looked at her arm. It was intact. Of course it was intact, why wouldn’t it be intact?

Yet her left hand was still tightly gripped around her wrist, as if she were holding it together.

“Are you okay?”

Another breath in. Another breath out. “I’m fine,” she lied. “Bad dream.” She gave Misato a brief look over. “Wait…what are you doing here?”

“…I heard you scream.”

“From upstairs?”

Misato looked like a deer in headlights. “Uh, well, n-no…” she stammered. “I just happened to be in the kitchen.”

Asuka turned her head to a nearby clock. “It’s 3 in the morning. What were you doing in the—?”

“Getting a drink of water!” Misato said quickly in a manner that made it sound like she was absolutely not getting a drink of water. “Do you want some?”

Asuka blinked. “Uh, sure.”

Misato gave a sheepish smile before leaving.

Asuka looked down at her hand. The pain had mostly subsided, but she was still afraid to let go of her arm.

Then she got a whiff of the air around her and that got her mind off her arm. She sniffed the spot where Misato had stood only a few seconds before. It was a familiar scent, but in her exhaustion she couldn’t quite place it.

Misato reappeared a moment later. “Here you go.” She held out the glass of water.

Asuka looked at the glass. Which hand should she use to take it? Her left or her right? She looked down. Her left was still clutching the other arm and she was too afraid to let go. But she wasn’t very confident about taking anything with—

The next thing she knew Misato, who apparently grew impatient from Asuka’s indecisiveness, was pressing the glass against Asuka’s lips in an attempt to get her to drink without her hands.

“I can drink my own water!” Without even thinking, Asuka let her right hand grab the glass, using her left hand to brush away Misato’s hands.

Misato stared as Asuka gulped down the water. “If you say so,” she shrugged as she took the now-empty glass. “…are you _sure_ you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Asuka replied.

Misato remained where she stood.

“I’m _fine_ ,” Asuka insisted. “Really. Go sleep in your own room tonight, okay? You’re gonna hurt your neck if you fall asleep in the chair again.”

“Right.” Misato took a deep breath. “Just making sure.” She turned and nearly tripped over herself as she made her way to the door. “Just going back to the kitchen,” she said after she recovered. “To… get my water.” And then she was gone.

Asuka waited until the door was closed before looking back at her hand. The violin playing had helped keep her mind off her arm for a while. Getting to practice with Shinji also helped.

But at night the pain came back in full force. Every few nights she would wake up with pain in her arm, and she would curl into a ball and force herself to endure it.

Because she had to endure it.

Because she was strong.

 _Unlike some people in this house_ , she thought as it finally clicked for her that Misato smelled of Yebisu beer.

* * *

**Part 2: Winter**

**Episode 11: Asuka Gets A Wheelchair**

It was the unusually cold air that awoke Shinji that morning.

He made a move to get out of bed, but quickly pulled the warm covers over him again when he felt the cold on his upper body.

 _The generator must be out of fuel_ , he thought to himself. _Guess I have to go refill it._

Finally, he worked up the nerve to push himself out of bed, threw on a coat and changed into some warmer pants before heading downstairs.

When he got to the storage room, however, he was puzzled to notice there was one less gas cannister than there had been the last time he refilled the generator. He stepped out and looked over to notice someone had left the door to the backyard open.

Going out to investigate, he was very surprised to find Ritsuko finishing up refilling the gas tank.

“Morning, Shinji,” she said casually. “Guess the cold got you up, too, huh?”

“Yeah,” he replied, unsure how to respond. “Do you…need any help?”

“I got it.” She put down the gas can and put the cap back on the generator. “I got a little worried—we might have gotten a radio broadcast in the night and never would’ve known.”

Shinji shrugged. “I mean…after Third Impact, you’d think people would have the courtesy not to call someone in the middle of the night.”

Ritsuko laughed. “You’d think that, wouldn’t you?” She pulled on the starting cord and the generator roared to life. “Didn’t you refill this only a few days ago?” she asked.

“I think so. That’s why I thought it was strange that it ran out so quickly. Usually I have it going for at least a week.”

“Could be because the house is supporting power for four people,” Ritsuko suggested. “Or, and this is the more likely case…it’s getting colder, so it has to work harder.”

“It _is_ pretty cold,” Shinji shuddered.

“Yeah.” Ritsuko looked up at the sky. Daylight was upon them, but there were some dark clouds above. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we had some snow today.”

“Ms. Misato’s been saying that for weeks, though.”

“She’s not exactly a weatherman.” Ritsuko thought for a second. “Though she has the prediction accuracy of one, I suppose.”

Shinji laughed. “Well, I really hope it snows. I’ve never seen snow before.”

Ritsuko smiled at that. “Such is the weather patterns after Third Impact. Well, it’s my turn to cook breakfast today, right? I’ll get right to it after I check the radio.” And with that, she disappeared back into the house.

Shinji stood outside for a minute, taking in the air. It was much, much colder now. Ritsuko had been making some observations of weather patterns and the position of the sun, and was now fairly certain they were coming up on the end of November. She was trying to figure out the exact date still, but was positive she would have an estimate by the end of the week. Then they would have a definitive understanding of what the date and day of the week it was.

Time had been completely meaningless to Shinji during his period of solitude. He didn’t even know for sure if he woke up immediately after Third Impact or sometime later. He couldn’t give the time of day or if it was Sunday or a Thursday if anyone had asked—not that anyone could. The point was, time never truly mattered.

But things were different now. There were other people living with him. Their watches and clocks were all accurate now. The seasons, which had been so elusive to him in a post-Second Impact world, gave a marker of when it was in the year.

Hell, if someone were to ask right now, “What day of the week is it?” he would say, “It feels like a Friday.”

He walked back into the house, passing by Ritsuko fiddling with the radio once again. He made a beeline straight for the door to Asuka’s room.

He knocked. “Asuka?” he called.

“What?” came the cross reply.

“Are you up?”

“Unfortunately. Why’s it so cold?”

“Generator ran out of fuel. Ritsuko just refilled it.”

“Oh. Well, I’m not getting out of bed until the house warms up again!”

Shinji stood there for a moment, feeling a little stupid. There was something very wall-of-Jericho-y about this situation.

“D-Do you want another blanket?” he called out.

There was a pause, then a sigh. “Yeah.”

“Ooh, getting her a blanket,” Ritsuko teased as Shinji picked one up from a nearby cabinet. “At your age? How indecent.”

Shinji ignored her as he opened Asuka’s door and stepped inside. It was pretty dark, as it usually was—the shades were closed tightly. It wasn’t like the room’s occupant could really open them herself in the morning. Misato and Ritsuko had procured a wheelchair for Asuka a few days ago, and today was the day she was finally going to be able to use it.

“Can I open the blinds?” he asked.

“Go ahead.”

He adjusted the blinds slightly to get some light in the room before going over to Asuka and laying the extra blanket over her sheets.

“Thanks,” she muttered. She was lying down, her body completely under the covers, but her face was looking straight up at the ceiling. She seemed wide awake.

“You excited?” Shinji asked.

“About what?”

“The wheelchair!”

“Oh yeah. That _is_ today isn’t it?”

“I think it’s pretty cool. I’ve always wanted to use one of those.”

“Really.” She gave him a tired look. “You’ve always wanted a life-threatening injury that leaves you handicapped and makes your life difficult because it completely limits your ability to perform simple tasks such as going to the bathroom, driving a car, or even just going outside without assistance from others?”

 _Oops_. “Well, uh…no, I-I guess not.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Asuka rolled her eyes while suppressing a smirk. He was too easy to pick on. “I’ll let you borrow it if you want.”

“Thanks, I guess.” Shinji walked over to the side of her bed and sat down in a chair. “How do your legs feel today?”

“Hmm? Fine. I mean they don’t really hurt constantly anymore. But every time I even try to flex a muscle it feels like someone’s jabbed a knife through my leg.”

Shinji cringed. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are _you_ sorry?” she glared. “Don’t keep defaulting to that, Shinji, or else it’s gonna lose its meaning all over again.”

“I’m s—yes, sir.”

“Okay, that’s just worse.”

“I’m sorry.”

That made her laugh. “Idiot!” She playfully punched his arm.

“Hey!” he laughed back. “Knock it off!”

She sent another playful punch into his arm, but was stopped by feeling the sudden onset of a sharp pain.

_Fuck. Fuck no. Not now. Now while he’s—_

“Asuka?” Not really thinking, he grabbed at her hand. “Are you okay?”

She blinked. The pain was gone almost as quickly as it had appeared. “Umm…yeah. Yeah, I’m…I’m fine.” She looked down, suddenly aware of how tightly Shinji was squeezing her hand and how much closer he was to her in the moment. “You can let go of me now.”

Shinji quickly released his grip and backed off. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said, no longer feeling the urge to chastise him about this.

“Are you sure you’re fine? You looked a little…spooked there for a moment.”

“I’m just tired,” she replied blasély. “Had a rough night.”

“Oh? What happened?”

**Tell him about your arm.**

“Well…”

**Tell him about your arm.**

“I was thinking…”

**Tell him about—**

“I think Misato’s drinking again.”

* * *

Misato had been showing up to breakfast at erratic hours. Sometimes she would show up as Shinji was just starting to cook. She’d be all smiles as she carried Asuka over to the kitchen table, and there she would hold a lengthy conversation to pass the time before breakfast.

On other days, she was nowhere to be found, and Ritsuko would be the one who (awkwardly) ended up helping Asuka. On those days Misato would stumble in about halfway through breakfast looking extremely disheveled, chug down some instant coffee and reconstituted orange juice powder, scarf down her breakfast, and then start up a casual conversation as if everything was fine.

This was one of those days.

“What’d I just eat?” she asked after lowering her plate.

Her three housemates stared at her.

“Uh…rabbit frittata,” Shinji said finally. “Ms. Ritsuko’s idea.”

“Well,” Ritsuko shrugged. “It’s not _really_ a frittata since there’s no cheese. But it turned out pretty well.”

“Rits—you’re a genius.” She leaned back into her chair while she started casually sipping her coffee. “So Asuka…you excited to try that wheelchair today?”

“Ugh, yes,” Asuka groaned. “I’ll finally be able to go around this house again by myself.”

“Except you still won’t be able to go upstairs,” Shinji said, putting his proverbial foot in his mouth and immediately regretting it when he felt the icy cold death glare from the redhead sitting next to him.

“But you’ll be able to go outside,” Misato added helpfully.

“Unless of course it snows and it’s too dangerous,” Ritsuko replied.

Shinji felt relief that Asuka’s death glare had been redirected to someone else, along with the sharper glare of an equally ticked off guardian.

“What?” Ritsuko asked innocently. “Being realistic. We’re due for snow any day now, and we were already planning on staying indoors for most of winter.”

Misato sighed. “True. Guess that means today will be the last day I hunt for a while.” She shrugged. “Gotta make it count!” She grabbed the pitcher of water, poured herself a glass, and chugged it down before slamming the cup back on the table. “I’m going to go get ready for the hunt today. When I come back down let’s get you into that wheelchair, Asuka!”

And with that, she got up from the table and left.

There was a long silence.

“See?” Asuka said.

“See what?”

“Are you an idiot? She comes into my room last night smelling like beer, and this morning she’s like…that! She’s clearly hungover!”

“But…she’s like this almost every morning.”

There was a silence.

“Okay,” he said, having used that silence to realize how dense he had just sounded. “But… I mean, I check the liquor cabinet all the time, and everything’s untouched.”

“I know what I smelled last night, Shinji. Liquor cabinet or no, she’s drinking.”

Shinji thought about this. Asuka was not one to imagine things. “Okay, so she’s drinking. Why is that a problem? She drank all the time back at her apartment.”

“Are you kidding me? Shinji, she was a wreck the last time we lived with her! The last thing we need is her falling into old habits again.” Asuka took a bite out of her frittata. “Besides,” she said with her mouth full. “It’s the fact that she felt the need to lie about it that makes me mad.”

“Why?”

“If she’s hiding her drinking, it means she doesn’t trust us! And if she doesn’t trust us, we obviously can’t trust her!”

“You sound like a second-rate book of virtues educational show,” Ritsuko muttered loudly enough that Asuka could hear her.

Asuka glared at her. “Well if you’re so smart, Dr. Akagi, why don’t you weigh in on this?”

“Nah.”

“’Nah’?”

“It’s not my problem.”

Now Shinji was staring at Ritsuko in surprise, too. “What?”

Ritsuko sighed. “Look,” she said finally. “Much like you two, Katsuragi’s been through a lot, and I get that you’re concerned about her. I’ve been concerned about her since the day we met all those years ago. But in my experience a person’s choice to drink is _their_ business.”

Asuka harrumphed. “That may be, but considering she’s _our_ guardian, that makes it our business too.”

“All the more reason for me not to get involved, then,” Ritsuko replied. And with that, she got up and left, leaving Shinji and Asuka at the table.

“That woman has no concept of responsibility,” Asuka said.

“Well… it’s not like she wants it.”

“She’s an adult.” Asuka tossed her food around in her plate. “She should know better.”

“You said the same thing about Misato that first day she was back.”

“The difference between her and Misato is that Misato tried. Dr. Akagi doesn’t seem to want to make an effort to be a part of this household beyond helping me with my leg.”

“She does the radio broadcasts every day. And she monitors it.”

“Shinji, anyone who sits at a radio doing nothing but transmitting and listening for two weeks isn’t trying to be a part of the household. They’re trying to be invisible.” She waved her hand. “I don’t feel like talking about Dr. Akagi, she bores me. Let’s talk about Misato. One of us needs to confront her about this.”

He didn’t really agree, but he wasn’t going to argue about it. “…I guess.”

“Ah, thanks for volunteering!”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m happy to coach you on how to stage interventions. First we’re gonna need a big sign—"

“Hang on a second! Why me? You spend the most time with her these days.”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Asuka tapped her cast dramatically. “Because she can’t run away from you, idiot.”

She had him there. “But… what exactly am I supposed to do?”

“What do you think? _Talk_ to her! Get her to open up about things, you know?”

Shinji sat there silently, thinking.

“Well, think of it as bonding! You two haven’t had much time alone together since I got hurt, this is a chance for you two to hang out instead of me. Speaking of which…” she looked down at her legs. “…I’m glad I’ll be able to actually use the bathroom on my own.”

“Aww…” Misato said as she walked in, dressed in her hunting clothes, which consisted of a deerstalker cap, a red vest, and a black flannel shirt. “That’s a shame. I think helping you use the toilet brought us closer than saving you from a collapsed building did!”

Asuka turned beet red while Shinji failed to prevent himself from laughing. “One day…” Asuka growled, although she couldn’t help but smile a little.

“What were you two talking about?” Misato asked.

Asuka looked at Shinji. “Oh, Shinji was just thinking about joining you on your hunting trip today.”

“I—what?” There was a sound from beneath the table that sounded like someone getting kicked—although Misato was puzzled to see both Asuka and Shinji make a face that suggested both had been struck by pain from the action. “I mean…yeah. I thought it could be fun.”

Misato blinked. “Really? You? Hunting?”

“I mean…” Shinji shrugged. “I might as well use those shooting skills I learned piloting EVAs in the field, right?”

Misato squinted. Shinji was not one to look back on his experiences at NERV fondly, certainly not enough to bring them up so casually. Still, it would be nice to go hunting with a companion for once.

“Well, okay! Remember to grab a coat when we head out, it’s pretty chilly today.” She turned. “Hey Ritsuko! Is it ready?”

“I need a little help getting it through the door!” Ritsuko called.

“Be right back.” Misato disappeared down the hall.

Shinji glared at Asuka. “You didn’t have to kick me.”

“Yeah, well, it was with a broken leg, so we’re even,” Asuka replied, rubbing her leg. “And you’ll thank me later—like I said, bonding.”

A moment later Misato returned, followed by Ritsuko wheeling in a manual wheelchair. It looked like it had been stolen from a hospital—which was exactly where it was from.

“What do you think?” Misato asked.

“It’s…kind of sad-looking,” Asuka remarked, noticing some obvious signs of wear and tear along the seat.

Ritsuko smirked. “Oh, I’m sorry. Next time we’ll paint it red.”

Asuka glared at Ritsuko. “I didn’t say I hated it.”

“Fine.”

Shinji looked at Misato, who sighed. The fact was, Ritsuko had never really interacted with any of the pilots beyond her capacity as NERV’s doctor and chief scientist. Outside of their check-ups, Ritsuko kept interactions with Asuka to a minimum.

It occurred to Misato that by taking Shinji with her, these two were going to be alone in the house for the first time ever. How was that going to go?

She shook off her initial concern and cleared her throat. “Well, let’s get you in this thing.” She put her arms around Asuka and gently lifted her up, transferring her into the wheelchair. She adjusted the footrests so they kept her legs supported, then stepped back. “How does it feel?”

“Nice cushion,” Asuka observed, shifting slightly. She looked at the two large wheels on either side of her and gave them some tentative pulls and pushes. The wheelchair moved a little faster than she’d anticipated, causing her to quickly stop the chair. “Okay… a little bulky.”

“It’ll take some practice,” Misato said. “But you’ll get the hang of it soon enough. Hey, Rits.”

“Yes?”

“Shinji’s going to join me on my hunting trip today. You okay with watching Asuka?”

Ritsuko blinked. She hadn’t expected this. “Uh…”

“I can watch myself, thank you!” Asuka protested.

“Oh, of course,” Misato nodded quickly. “But, you know, in case you need help opening doors or getting out of the chair or going to the bathroom. You’re okay with Ritsuko doing that, right Asuka?”

“Uh…” Asuka looked at Ritsuko awkwardly. “Yeah. I think so.”

“Great! Well, have fun you two! Come along, Shinji.” And with that, she marched out the door.

Shinji waited behind for a moment. “I’ll…try to talk to her,” he said to Asuka.

“Good luck,” she replied.

He gave a quick smile before following Misato.

Asuka and Ritsuko remained in the kitchen for a while, then looked at each other.

“Well,” Ritsuko said.

“Well,” Asuka replied.

There was a silence.

“I’m gonna go practice my violin,” Asuka declared.

“Do you want me to help you—?”

“No, I’m good.” She pushed her chair forward and immediately bumped into a wall. “Ow.” She cautiously rolled herself back before pushing forward and hitting another wall. “Ow.”

“You roll one wheel at a time to steer—”

“I got it!” She turned the chair, aiming for the door to the room, only to collide with another wall. “Ow.” Finally she slumped forward in frustration before sitting back up and looking over at Ritsuko.

After a moment of silence Ritsuko sighed, walked over, and pushed Asuka’s wheelchair into the bedroom.

“If you insist,” Asuka muttered, trying to preserve her wounded pride, and mostly failing.

* * *

Shinji looked in the flatbed of the truck. “Since when have you used a crossbow?” he asked as he grabbed the duffel carrying their supplies for the day.

“About a week,” Misato explained. “Ritsuko recommended it to me—something about sustainable hunting.” She picked up the crossbow in one hand and the rifle in another, and looked at them doubtfully. “I’m not really good with it, but practice makes perfect I guess. Come on, I’ll show you my hunting spot.”

The “hunting spot” was more or less just a giant log from a fallen over tree. It was in a small clearing with some decent coverage from the trees above, even though their leaves had fallen some time ago. Misato and Shinji propped up their two camping chairs and sat down before Misato began rummaging through the duffel.

“Protein bars… oof… nuts… eh, doable… jerky! There you go!” She pulled out a strip and bit into it. “Good stuff. Want one?”

Shinji sniffed. He didn’t like the smell of jerky. “I’m good, thanks. So what’s the goal for today?” he asked.

“Well, I figure our approach should be to just cut our losses and bag as many of these by lunch,” Misato replied. “This is just to add to our winter meat supply. So which are you gonna take?”

“Hmm?”

“Crossbow or gun?”

“Oh, uh…gun, I guess. Since I know how to fire one of those.”

“Ah yes, that’s true.” Misato handed him the rifle. “I imagine you’ll be much better at this than I was when I first tried it out. You really got the whole nine yards in weapons experience.”

He felt it in his hands, getting a feel for the weight. It felt odd, holding a gun again. The only time he’d ever really handled weapons was for matters of saving all life on Earth—or so he had been led to believe—but now he was just handling this deadly weapon to shoot some squirrels, and possibly some rabbits.

“Okay, so in interest of conserving my arrows, I’ll take the ground, you take the treeline.”

Shinji aimed the rifle and scanned the branches. “I don’t see anything,” he observed.

“Critters definitely heard us come in, that’s why we need to wait around for a while. Eventually we sort of blend into the scenery. That’s when you get them.”

“How long will that take?”

“Eh, depends. I’ve had to wait at most half an hour.”

“That doesn’t sound very exciting.”

“It really isn’t.”

“How do you pass the time?”

Silence. He couldn’t really see her expression, it was hidden by the crossbow. He wasn’t sure if she was ignoring him or distracted.

“Ms. Misato?”

“There’s a rabbit, right over there.”

“There is?”

“Look.”

Shinji looked. Sure enough, there was a rabbit wandering around quietly. “Is it the same one you told me about from a few weeks ago?”

“No, this one’s a different breed.” Misato gritted her teeth. “But I’m in a less forgiving mood today.” She carefully adjusted her aim, and fired.

The arrow zipped through the air and caught the rabbit squarely in the neck. It immediately collapsed.

“You got it!” Shinji exclaimed loudly.

“Shush! Don’t want to scare away the others.”

“Oh right, sorry.”

“Wanna go retrieve it?”

“Sure!” He got up from his chair and walked over to pick up the rabbit carcass.

As he drew nearer, however, he paused slightly. The shot from the arrow seemed to have killed the rabbit quickly, but there was a small blood spatter on the ground around it.

He stared at the rabbit. What had that rabbit been thinking in the moments before it died? What had been its plans? What had—

“Shinji?”

He jumped. Misato, concerned by his hesitance, had gotten up from her chair and come directly to him.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said. He knelt down and picked up the dead rabbit. “Just…” He paused, and then let out a sheepish, “I just felt bad for the rabbit.”

Misato laughed. “Well, push comes to shove, you can always become a vegetarian.”

Shinji continued to look at the rabbit carcass with a mixture of disgust and concern.

“If this is too much for you, you’re free to sit this one out.”

“Really, it’s okay. So I just take the arrow out?”

“Pretty much, yeah. Gently, though.”

Shinji removed the arrow from the carcass and handed it to Misato. “How do you do it?” he asked as they headed back to their chairs.

“Do what?”

“Kill these without being worried about them?”

“Oof.” Misato let out a long breath. “Well, I guess the best way I can explain it is that…I just try not to think about it too much.”

Shinji frowned. He didn’t like that answer.

* * *

The violin playing stopped after a while. Asuka probably got tired of it.

Ritsuko checked her watch and then looked at her notebook. It was about time to do another broadcast.

She picked up the transmitter. “This is Tokyo-3, attempting to contact any—”

 _Bump._ “Ow.”

She turned. The noise came from the direction of Asuka’s room. She listened for a moment, waiting for something to follow. When nothing did…

“…this is Tokyo-3. We are a party of four—”

 _Bump._ “Ow!”

She turned again. This time, after a moment, the door gradually opened and slowly but surely Asuka emerged from her bedroom. Carefully turning, she proceeded to move through the kitchen and living room up to the sliding door that led to the backyard.

Ritsuko watched in silence as Asuka awkwardly turned the wheelchair so she could open the door. After getting into the right position, she grabbed at the handle and pulled—only to find her wheelchair move forward as a result.

After realizing her error, Asuka stopped herself, readjusted her position, put the brakes on, and tried again. Although the door moved slightly, it wasn’t far enough for her to get the wheelchair through.

Asuka let go of the handle and let out a frustrated groan.

Ritsuko watched for a moment longer before turning back to the radio. “This is Tokyo-3, is anybody—”

A loud “ahem” from Asuka interrupted her. She turned back to see the girl looking at her with a tired expression, as if finally admitting defeat.

“You could have just asked,” Ritsuko remarked as she got up and opened the door.

“Please,” Asuka rolled her eyes. “When have I ever been known to ask for help?”

“Where are you headed?”

“I wanted to wheel around outside for a bit,” Asuka explained as she reached down and released the brakes. “I’ve been cooped up indoors for weeks, wanted to get some fresh air.”

A bit absentmindedly, Ritsuko put her hands on the handles of the wheelchair and started to push Asuka outside.

“HEY!” Asuka whirled around and glared at her. “No touching the handles!”

“Sorry!” Ritsuko quickly held her hands up. “I thought you wanted help!”

Asuka gritted her teeth. “I’m _fine_ ,” she grunted. “I don’t need any help, I can do this.” She gripped the wheels and pushed herself outside.

Ritsuko watched for a moment, wondering if she should follow to make sure nothing bad happened.

After a moment, she walked back to the radio. “This is Tokyo-3. Can—” She stopped and listened.

She could hear Asuka muttering to herself—probably words of encouragement.

After listening for a moment longer, she began again. “This is Tokyo-3. Is anybody out there?”

* * *

**The Burden of Other Peoples’ Lives**

It was noon out here in the woods. They had been waiting around for about two hours. In that time Misato managed to kill three squirrels and even a racoon dog, which was a first.

They weren’t without casualties on their end, however.

“Welp, this arrow’s toast,” she said as she tossed it over her shoulder. “Guess I used it too much.”

Shinji felt a little disappointed in himself. This entire time he hadn’t killed a single animal. And it wasn’t because he was a bad shot or anything—it was that he hadn’t fire the gun at all. He’d seen a few squirrels up there, but every time he would hesitate to pull the trigger, and the squirrel would get out of his sights.

He was also annoyed with himself for still not saying anything related to the whole reason he was out here in the woods in the first place.

“Misato?”

“Yes, Shinji?”

“There’s something important I need to ask you, is that alright?”

“Well, I mean, it’s not like there’s much else happening here, is there?”

He took a deep breath. “Why do— _did_ you drink so much?”

“Oh.” She gave a nervous laugh. “Okay, _wow_ , that’s… that’s not an easy question to answer, Shinji.” She laughed again.

Shinji sat there patiently, waiting.

Misato’s eyes darted around their surroundings. When he’d asked her how she usually passed the time when she was alone out here, she’d purposely avoided saying anything about the beer cans she usually kept in her travel bag. That rabbit had been a lucky excuse.

Unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be any animals in the vicinity to save her at the moment.

She sighed. No avoiding this. “Well, you know about my father, right?”

“Of course.”

“And you know I was a bit of a party girl in college, right?”

“Kaji said something about that.”

“Damn right he did. I guess drinking just became my… distraction from having to deal with certain things. And then the stress of the angels and working for NERV…” She trailed off. She didn’t feel comfortable talking too much about her actions pre-Third Impact. “Think of it like… like how Asuka plays the violin all the time. Or… like how Ritsuko sits at that radio all day.”

“Right.” Shinji was feeling a twinge of annoyance, like he was being spoken to like a child. Not to say he wasn’t, but after everything that had happened, he kind of wanted Misato to see him on more equal footing. “But you don’t have to worry about any of that now?”

Misato pursed her lips. “I… well… hey look, a squirrel!”

**You gotta be kidding me.**

“Misato, I really think—”

“Shinji, up there in the trees!” Misato pointed. “See if you can bag that! Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’re not shooting anything!”

**Don’t you dare.**

Shinji tried to pull things back. “I just think that maybe—!”

“Do it now, it’s getting away!”

**Don’t let her run away from—**

“Shinji!” Now she was poking his arm.

“Alright, alright!” He raised the rifle and aimed it at the squirrel.

_Center the target._

“Hurry up before it gets into its burrow!”

_Fire._

He pulled the trigger.

The bullet ripped through the air and collided with its target. The squirrel stumbled before falling from the branches and straight down to the ground.

“You got it!” Misato exclaimed. “Way to go, Shinji!”

Silence.

“Shinji?”

Shinji blinked. For one thing, he felt a little bruise on his shoulder from the kickback of the rifle. But there was also a distinct ringing in his ears, one that wasn’t going away.

_He was lucid enough to hear the bullets and the screams. He wasn’t really thinking about them, but he knew enough to realize the sound of gunshots meant people were dying nearby._

_“We’ve located the Third Child,” a voice he didn’t recognize said._

_He could catch a glimpse of the shadows nearby. He was surrounded. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was about to happen._

_He heard the click of a pistol. “Sorry kid,” the voice said. “It’s nothing personal.” The voice was cold, uncaring. As if this didn’t mean anything to him._

_He heard the sound of gunshots. But they weren’t coming from the gun he knew was pointed at his head._

_A body fell nearby. Then several more._

_“Nothing personal, either,” another voice, one he recognized said with anger._

_Another gunshot, this time followed by the distinctly sickening sound of blood splattering against the wall._

_Ms. Misato had just saved his life._

_He didn’t care._

_“Shinji?” she asked._

_No answer._

_He felt her place a hand on his shoulder. “Shinji… deep breaths…_ let it all out, Shinji.”

His mind came back into focus. He was leaning over the log with Misato gently patting his back, and there was something on the ground before him… and there was more of it coming out of his m— _oh god._

He spat out the rest of it, as the wave of nausea passed over and the ringing in his ears finally stopped. “Eugh,” he coughed as he stood up. “I… sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Misato pulled out a handkerchief and gently wiped off the area around his face before handing him a bottle of water. “Well… I guess that’s enough hunting for today.”

“Yeah.” He went to move his chair.

“No, no, let’s just sit for a bit. We could use a break, anyway.” She sat down in her chair and pulled out the bag of jerky. “Some food might help.”

Shinji looked at the jerky doubtfully. “Could I have the protein bar instead?”

“Well, okay.” Misato pulled out the protein bar and handed it to Shinji. “Personally, these are too rich for my taste.”

Shinji bit in and felt a wave of relief. This bar had chocolate in it. He washed it down with some water. “I’m really sorry about that,” he said.

“Shinji, it’s fine, don’t worry about that. Just give yourself some time to rest.”

They sat there quietly while Shinji ate his snack and Misato started packing up.

She carefully unloaded the rifle and started putting the unused bullets in a pouch.

Finally, Shinji spoke up. “Could I ask you something?”

“Hmm?”

“How do you… _rationalize_ hunting?”

“Rationalize it?”

“Well just…the act of killing in general. Squirrel or…well, human.”

Misato put down the rifle. “Hmm… well, I guess in some ways you _can’t_ rationalize it. There’s always something tragic in a life leaving the Earth.” She looked at the various animal corpses she had lying nearby. “But at least in our case… this is about our survival—there’s a purpose to what we’re doing. It’s not for sport, it’s not wanton destruction others will do. Like… well, how many people died at NERV because SEELE and the JSSDF cared so little about life, in service of their greater plan?”

Shinji nodded.

“Death needs to have meaning to it. It shouldn’t be for fun, it shouldn’t be for someone’s personal benefit, it needs to serve a purpose. So… I don’t see any reason for anyone or anything to die if that death won’t come to anything good.”

Shinji sat there quietly. _But… you died because you thought I was going to save the world. And I didn’t. That means your death meant—_

“No.”

He looked up, surprised. “I didn’t say any—”

“I could see it on your face.” Misato leaned in and held his hands in hers. “Shinji, you were a child. The world ended because a bunch of greedy men in suits thought it was okay to torture a bunch of children for no reason other than their own benefit.” She stood up and began collecting the animal carcasses. “That burden should have never fallen on you, and I won’t let you carry it. Come on, let’s head back to the truck.”

Shinji stood up, folded his chair, and started to follow Misato back to where they’d parked the truck. But there was something else bothering him, something about what she had just said, that he needed to get off his chest. “Misato?”

“Yes?”

“Are you drinking again?”

Misato stopped dead in her tracks.

Shinji held his breath.

“What makes you say that?” she asked finally.

“Asuka thought she smelled alcohol on your breath last night.”

Misato was quiet for a very long time.

Shinji waited.

“No, Shinji. I’m not drinking again. She must have imagined it.” And she continued forward.

Shinji stared at her, disappointed.

**Liar.**

* * *

“Come on, Asuka. It’s just grass.”

She eased the wheelchair forward by a few centimeters, only to feel it lurch to the side as it rolled through a divot in the ground. She let out a yelp and retreated.

This was absolutely ridiculous. In the past ten minutes she’d barely made it even halfway around the house. She felt like one of those pathetic kids at an ice skating rink who chose to tip-toe around the outer edge clinging to the railing instead of just going into the goddamn center and letting themselves be free.

Free? This wasn’t being free. The wheelchair was supposed to be her way of gaining some independence in her recovery. She couldn’t even make it around the fucking house. God, she felt so helpless in this thing.

“You know,” Dr. Akagi’s voice said from behind, startling her. “You’d probably have a better time practicing this on the sidewalk or something.”

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Well, I decided watching you try this would be a more interesting use of my time than staring at the radio all morning.”

“Hah.”

Ritsuko stood there silently for a moment. “Want me to push you?”

“No thanks.”

“Seriously, just tell me where you want go and I can—”

“I don’t need your help, Dr. Akagi!” Asuka raised her voice. “Just…go back inside and play with your radio.”

Ritsuko folded her arms. “Well…okay then.” And she started back for the house.

Asuka didn’t turn to look back at her. She didn’t need Ritsuko’s help. She didn’t need anyone’s help. She was Asuka Langley Soryu! She’d swum in molten lava! She’d defeated angels! She’d died and come back to life!

And this? This was a stupid wheelchair! She could easily handle this! She didn’t need anyone! She could do this all on her own!

She was about to grab at the wheels again when she felt something in her right arm.

_Yeah, that’s what I figured._

She immediately grabbed at her wrist and doubled over into the chair. The arm was bundled under the coat she was wearing, yet it felt like a blade was cutting right through the center of it. And it wouldn’t stop cutting.

The only relief she could feel was that she was alone outside right now, and there wasn’t anyone who—

“Asuka?”

She looked up to see Ritsuko kneeling right next to her, hand on the wheelchair’s armrest.

_No. Nonononono._

Her self-defense instincts kicked in. “Back off!” she hissed.

“Sorry!” Ritsuko jumped back slightly. She watched as Asuka curled further into herself as she tried to shield her arm with the rest of her body. Her breathing was speeding up—from Ritsuko’s perspective she was having a panic attack.

This wouldn’t do at all. Asuka may have rejected her help, but she was still her patient.

“Asuka,” she said in as gentle a voice as possible.

“What?!” Asuka seethed as she briefly looked up to glare at Ritsuko.

“Tell me what you need now.”

Asuka blinked. “Wh-what?”

“Tell me what you need.”

“I…” The question seemed to stun Asuka. “I… I need…”

“Do you need me to take you back inside?”

She didn’t answer right away. But after a few heavy breaths she nodded.

Ritsuko gently placed her hands on the handles of the wheelchair and turned it around before pushing it back into the house.

By the time Ritsuko had parked the wheelchair in the living room, the pain had mostly subsided. Asuka cautiously released her hold on her arm and looked at it. She gave her fingers a tentative wiggle.

Before she could do anything else, she found herself staring at a plush panda bear.

“What the hell is this?” she asked, looking up at the person holding it.

“Something I found in my closet,” Ritsuko said. “I think it belonged to the previous owners.”

Asuka scowled. “I don’t want it.”

“I really think you should take it.”

“I’m not a baby, Dr. Akagi.”

“Think of it as a stress toy. Just squeeze it.”

Asuka stared at it for a moment longer. “Fine.”

She took the panda, gave it a look over, and then began squeezing it as tightly as possible with her hands.

The toy’s face distorted until it looked rather goofy.

Asuka stopped squeezing and stared at the panda again. Finally, she held it against her chest, then reluctantly tilted her head down to rest on it.

“Okay, you win,” she muttered to Ritsuko.

“Win? I don’t recall us ever competing.”

Asuka laughed slightly. “Thanks, I guess.”

“You’re welcome. Can I help you take off your coat?”

“Sure.”

Ritsuko helped remove Asuka’s coat and laid it out on the back of the sofa before sitting back down. “I take it this isn’t the first time that’s happened?”

Asuka shook her head as she continued to hold the toy.

“When did it start?”

“Sometime after the accident. I just… woke up one night and it felt like my entire arm was in two.”

Ritsuko eyed the scar on Asuka’s arm. She already knew about the death scars both Asuka and Misato possessed—hell, she had one herself from her failed attempt at stopping Ikari—but this was the first time she’d heard of one of the scars becoming a phantom injury.

Well, Asuka’s case was particularly traumatic. Ritsuko and Misato’s deaths were tame compared to hers.

“It’s just the arm?”

“Yeah.”

That also made sense. Asuka hated nothing more than losing victory right when it was within reach—and a Lance of Longinus going straight through her arm was what really sealed the coffin for her defeat during that gruesome final battle.

“Have you… talked to anyone about this?”

“Talk?” Asuka looked at her. “Like who, a therapist? Little hard to find one these days.”

“You know what I mean, smartass.”

Asuka looked at her hand again. “No.”

“Why not?”

“What are they gonna do about it? ‘Oh Asuka, I’m sorry your arm hurts, let me give you a hug!’ Last thing I need is another thing for people to freak out about.”

“I thought you liked the attention Katsuragi’s been giving you.”

“Well, I do, but…” She wiggled her fingers again. “I don’t want her to _worry_ about me. I should be able to do things without her being so… _concerned_ all the time.”

“Hmm,” Ritsuko nodded. “Especially when she has things about herself she should be worrying about.”

Asuka smirked. “Yeah. Same goes for Shinji, I suppose.”

They were quiet for a while.

“Well, it’s your decision…” Ritsuko said slowly. “But… you shouldn’t have to go through any of this alone. Not when you’ve got a support system so readily available to you. I mean, I know the concept of accepting help from others is foreign to you—”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“ _BUT_ … at least you have people who are willing to help.”

Asuka blinked. “What do you mean by…” She trailed off as she glanced back at the radio, where Ritsuko had more or less disappeared into the background for the past few weeks. “Oh.” She thought for a minute. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess so. Thanks, by the way.”

“For what?”

“For being part of that support system.”

Ritsuko stared at her. Then she laughed slightly. “I don’t—”

“You’re here, aren’t you? Helping me? So… thanks.”

Ritsuko was silent for a moment. “You’re welcome, Asuka.”

Asuka smiled. “Well…I still want to try getting around the house, do you think—” She stopped as she stared out the backdoor.

“What?” Ritsuko asked. And then she saw.

In the backyard, coming down gently but clearly, were tiny white specks of snow.

* * *

“Misato?”

“Yeah?”

“Is…is it snowing?”

The truck came to a halt. They stared at the windshield. Sure enough, tiny snowflakes were landing on the glass, lightly obscuring the view.

“Well,” Misato remarked. “There’s something you don’t see every day.” She winked at Shinji. “Or, well, _ever_.”

* * *

When the truck pulled up in front of the house, Asuka and Ritsuko were already outside waiting for them. By this time, the snow was really starting to gather.

“Get a load of this!” Ritsuko exclaimed.

“Yeah, we noticed,” Misato laughed. “Oh my god… there hasn’t been a snowstorm in Japan for fifteen years!”

Asuka snorted. “Meh, I’ve seen plenty in my time.” She looked at Shinji. “Hey! You’re not supposed to eat it!”

“Why not?” Shinji asked as he brought his snowflake-covered tongue back into his mouth. “It’s just ice.”

“Well how’d the hunting trip go?” Ritsuko asked.

“Decent. Got a few last animals in. Shinji here bagged a squirrel.”

“Really?” Asuka stared at him. “I didn’t know you had it in you, Shinji.”

Shinji coughed nervously. “Well, uh… you know. Didn’t hurt to try… I never want to do it again, though.”

Asuka raised an eyebrow. “That’s all that happened?”

“Pretty much,” Misato shrugged. “Anyway, I guess with the snow coming down, it’s a clear sign that… that uh…” She trailed off as she stared at something in the distance.

Confused, the rest of them turned to look at what she was staring at.

_Rei._

Misato sprung into action. “Ritsuko, with me!”

“Right!”

Shinji and Asuka made a move to follow.

“No!” Misato stopped and held up a hand. “Asuka, I don’t want you driving that thing in the snow!”

“Oh, come on!”

“Shinji, stay with Asuka! And both of you get inside, it’s freezing out!” And then she and Ritsuko both disappeared in the direction of the beach.

Shinji and Asuka remained where they were.

“What’s the rush?” Asuka asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I guess they want to make sure whoever it is doesn’t freeze to death,” Shinji replied.

“Ah.” Asuka pursed her lips. “So… how’d your intervention go?”

“Well… she said she’s not drinking,” he said slowly.

“Uh huh. Did you believe her?”

“Not at all.”

“Told you.”

“But it wasn’t a total waste of time… I think I learned a few things about her I didn’t know before.”

Asuka wasn’t sure what he meant by that. “Okay…?”

“I’ll explain later. What about you? How’d your day go?”

“Well… I had a surprisingly enlightening day myself.” She looked at her arm. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Okay.”

They were silent as he patiently waited for whatever it was she wanted to talk about.

She scowled. “…I would prefer to do it _inside_.”

“Oh, right.”

* * *

They were reaching the edge of the path when Misato slipped and fell flat on her bottom.

“You okay?” Ritsuko asked.

“Yeah!” She pushed herself up. “Well, that’s a hazard I didn’t expect to have to deal with.”

“Get used to it, Katsuragi.”

They continued until they reached the beach. They scanned their surroundings. It was weird seeing this place in the middle of a snowstorm.

“Over there!” Ritsuko pointed. Sure enough, with the waves of LCL gently washing against their ankles, was a body.

As they got closer, however, they began to notice things about this body. Whoever it was wore a tan jumpsuit, with gold stripes on the shoulders and a belt around their waist…

 _That’s a NERV uniform_ , Ritsuko thought to herself. But there was something else… she could recognize that petite figure anywhere. She immediately sped up.

“Hey, hold on a second!” Misato called, trailing behind her.

But Ritsuko had to see who this was. Stumbling over the sand, she finally made it and turned the body over so she could know for sure…

Misato came to a halt. “Ritsuko?”

Ritsuko could only stare in shock as she took in who it was lying in the sand before her.

Misato took a few steps forward so she could get a clearer view. She stopped when it finally clicked for her. “Lieutenant…” she whispered. “Lieutenant Ibuki?”

A single word escaped from Ritsuko’s lips. _“Maya.”_


	12. The Protégé

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The house deals with the return of another face from the past... and the past catches up to Shinji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if you like what you're reading, feel free to leave a comment!

Shinji and Asuka were seated at the kitchen table. Asuka had just finished relaying everything about her day to Shinji… including the part she had been hiding from him.

Shinji stared at her arm. “Uh…”

“Yeah,” Asuka replied, rolling down her sleeve. “Thought you might say that.”

“Does it hurt right now?”

“No. But I had a moment when I was trying to use my wheelchair today. Ritsuko helped me calm down.”

“That was nice of her.”

“Pfft.”

“Is there any way I can help?”

“Well…” Asuka bit her lip. “Could you…maybe sleep in my room again tonight?”

Shinji blinked. “Uh… in the bed? Because last time was sort of an accident—"

“ _Nonononono_ , uh… just, you could bring a sleeping bag down. Only for a few nights—”

“A _few_?”

“Or one! Just…” She took a deep breath. “I want someone there if it happens again.”

Shinji smiled. “Of course, Asuka.”

Asuka breathed a sigh of relief. One incredibly uncomfortable conversation over with.

“Why not ask Misato, though?” Shinji added. “I mean… it’d be a way of keeping an eye on her.”

“I’ll… I’ll get to her eventually.” Despite her chat with Ritsuko, she still wasn’t sure she wanted to tell Misato about this. Based on what Shinji had told her, it sounded like the last thing Misato needed was another thing to worry about.

Sensing Asuka didn’t want to talk about this anymore, Shinji changed the topic. “Who do you think came back?”

“How should I know? There’s billions of people in the world, any one of them could have returned.”

“Maybe… but I don’t think Rei would have appeared to us if it wasn’t someone we knew.”

“True.” Asuka played with her thumbs. “You know, it’s weird, but a part of me wishes Rei would come back.”

“ _Really_? I… didn’t expect that from you.”

“It’s not like I miss her or anything!” she insisted. “But… she didn’t deserve any of what happened to her.”

“Yeah…”

They heard the sound of the door opening, and barely had a chance to react as Ritsuko ran in carrying someone, quickly disappearing into Asuka’s room.

“Ritsuko, that’s—” Misato protested, only to have the door slam in her face.

“Did…did she just go into _my_ room?” Asuka asked, stunned.

“Yeah…” Misato replied. “It’s only temporary, I’m sure we’ll… relocate once we’re sure… look, it’s just for now. Uh…Shinji, could you get some hot water going?”

“Sure.” Shinji got up from the table and started filling the kettle with water. “Who was it who came back?”

“Well…” Misato glanced back at the door and sighed. “It’s Lieutenant Ibuki.”

Shinji nearly dropped the kettle as he stared in shock.

“Lieutenant Ibuki, huh?” Asuka thought for a second. “Hang on… was Lieutenant Ibuki the one with the glasses, the one with the long hair, or the girl?”

“Asuka!”

“What? That’s the only way I could tell them apart!”

* * *

**Episode 12: The Protégé**

_Did we do the right thing?_

* * *

“The First is so careless,” Ritsuko muttered. “What if she got hypothermia? Or frostbite? You don’t let someone leave Instrumentality in a snowstorm.”

Shinji squinted. “I’m…I’m not sure that’s how it works—”

“Not _now_ , you idiot,” Asuka whispered, elbowing him.

In her blind haste, Ritsuko had deposited Maya in Asuka’s bed, where she’d subsequently removed any wet clothing, changed her into some warmer clothes, and wrapped her in several layers of blankets.

Asuka nudged Misato. “I’m gonna need that eventually,” she whispered. “It’s the only bed down here. And besides, this is _my_ room.”

Misato smiled. “I know. We’ll move her upstairs once she wakes up.”

“When’s that gonna be?”

“Hard to tell. Could be a couple of hours.”

“Alright… but she better be out of here after that! This is my safe space. Let’s go play video games, Shinji.”

“Sure,” he said. He started to move.

“Hey, where are you going?!”

“To the living room…”

“You gonna push me or what?”

“Oh, right. Sorry.” He stepped behind the wheelchair, gripped the handles, and pushed Asuka out of the room. On his way out, he paused. “Is she going to be alright?” he asked Misato.

“Eh, the blankets should warm her up fine.”

“I meant…” He eyed Ritsuko.

“…I’ll talk to her. You two go do your thing.”

Shinji gave a nervous smile before leaving.

Misato stared at Ritsuko, still sitting next to the bed watching Lieutenant Ibuki like a doting parent.

No, parent wasn’t the right term… like a lover? No, they were never a couple in real life… like a caretaker? No, that wasn’t far removed from a parent.

Finally, she spoke up. “How do you feel?”

Ritsuko sighed. “Honestly? I’m not that surprised.” She looked at Misato. “I had a feeling she would be leaving soon while I was in there. Her mind felt like it was separating itself from the rest.”

Misato nodded. If there was one thing she was always going to remember about Instrumentality, it was the lack of privacy. In fact, part of the reason Misato had managed to start the process of regaining her individual self was because she had tried to isolate within her own memories to tune out the rest. “Well… I guess she was gonna find a way back to her _senpai_ eventually.”

“Don’t even joke about that.”

“Come on! Tell me that’s not what you’re thinking about right now.”

Ritsuko placed one hand on Maya’s forehead. “Katsuragi, she’s not like the rest of us. She wasn’t killed abruptly and given a second chance through Third Impact. She had her mind completely broken, and then her individuality ripped apart immediately afterwards.” She looked up. “Worst of all, it was _my_ image that did it to her. I don’t know about you, but I’m not exactly looking forward to when she wakes up.”

* * *

Shinji and Asuka were busy with a fighting game when Misato finally emerged.

“Well?” Asuka asked as Shinji paused the game.

“Nothing new,” Misato shrugged as she sat on the couch. “Ritsuko wanted to be alone with her until she wakes up.”

“Is that wise?” Shinji asked. “Considering…”

“Out of the four of us, she’s the best person to explain things to her.” She sighed. “You know, out of all the people from NERV, I’m almost glad it was Ibuki. Aoba would have been weird… Makoto would have been… awkward.”

“And I’m sure you would have killed Fuyutsuki,” Asuka joked.

 _“Yup,”_ was the disturbingly deep-voiced reply.

Shinji and Asuka stared at her awkwardly before immediately returning to their game.

* * *

When you’re sitting next to your unconscious former protégé for an extended period, you tend to have a lot of time to get lost in your own thoughts.

A lot of thoughts were going through Ritsuko’s head right now. Mainly, just how the hell was she supposed to talk to Maya?

_Hi, Maya. I know you were hopelessly in love with me the entire time we worked together. No, touching me will not turn you into LCL. The JSSDF and NERV are all gone, you have nothing to worry about. Except everyone you know is gone for the foreseeable future. Also your new roommates are the kids who failed to save the world—_

This was ridiculous. How the hell was she supposed to deal with all of that?

The thing most pressing on her mind was Maya’s apparent feelings for her. She recalled one of her last memories from Instrumentality, how she had seen the betrayal in Maya’s heart from everything that had happened in those last moments during Third Impact.

What Rei said at the time was correct: she _had_ suspected Maya’s admiration for her went beyond respect as her mentor. But it wasn’t like she could have done anything about it. At that point she was in too deep with Commander Ikari’s plans, and even then she was her direct superior. It was inappropriate and she would have shut it down immediately.

**Is that how you’re going to rationalize it?**

“It’s not a lie.”

**And what about now?**

“Who has the time for childish crushes? We’re in a post-apocalypse. Not even Shinji and Asuka have really done anything.”

**They’re kids. What’s your excuse?**

Ritsuko stared at Maya, who was still unconscious.

**You were given another chance, Ritsuko. Maybe she’ll be a part of it.**

“I’m not gonna think about any sort of chance.” She took a deep breath. “For now, she’s my patient.”

**Is that what you _really_ be—?**

“Shut up!”

Maya stirred in her sleep, startling Ritsuko. Somehow she’d completely forgotten she wasn’t alone in the room.

She heard the door open and saw Misato peek her head in. “She’s still asleep?” she asked. She seemed almost confused.

“Uh…yeah.”

Misato raised an eyebrow. “Then…who were you just talking to?”

Ritsuko blinked. “I—”

Maya made another movement and her eyes started to flutter awake.

“Is she—”

“Go away!”

“Okay! Jeez!” The door closed quickly.

_“A.T. Fields…”_

Ritsuko turned back. Maya’s eyes had a glazed over look to them. “Maya?”

_“Is this the answer… is this what I was…what I was searching for…?”_

“Maya.” She gently shook her by the shoulders.

Maya blinked. Her eyes slowly came into focus. “Doctor…Doctor Akagi?”

“Maya?”

Then her eyes went wide with horror. And she started to scream.

* * *

The three in the other room immediately turned to stare at the door.

“So, you think she’s awake?” Asuka asked.

Shinji and Misato glared at her.

* * *

“Maya! Maya, calm down!”

If Maya could understand Ritsuko’s words, she wasn’t showing it. In fact, there were very few coherent things coming out of her mouth besides screaming as she tried to push Ritsuko away.

“Maya, listen to me!” Ritsuko managed to get a hold of her shoulders, only for Maya’s eyes to go wider and her screams more frantic.

 _She must think I’m one of Rei’s puppets._ Words were not going to get Maya to calm down. So Ritsuko did the only thing she could think of. She wrapped her arms around Maya’s back, pulled her close, and held her down to the bed.

Maya desperately struggled for a few more seconds, but eventually seemed to register that she wasn’t turning into LCL as her arms tentatively fell to the side. “What…Ritsuko?”

“Yes, Maya. It’s really me.” Ritsuko finally let go and pulled back so she could see her face.

“Where…” Maya finally seemed to notice the room for the first time. “Where am I?”

“Well…” Ritsuko tried to figure out how to explain it. “You’re in Asuka’s room.”

“Asuka?” Then the panic returned. “Asuka! She—”

“She’s fine, Maya.”

Maya stared. “ _Fine_? But… but I saw…”

 _Strange_. “Maya, what do you remember?”

“I… I was in the control room… our A.T. fields were disappearing… and then… I saw you…”

“Maya, it wasn’t me.”

“But it looked so much—”

“Maya, remember? I went down to Terminal Dogma.” It was almost like Maya had no memory of Instrumentality. She decided to test something. “Maya, do you know what happened to me?”

“You…” Maya held up her hand and began lightly flicking her index finger in the air, as if she were trying to manually sort through the information in her head. “You…you went down to confront Commander Ikari.”

“That’s right, Maya.”

“You tried to stop him… but Caspar wouldn’t let you.”

Progress. “Then what happened?”

“He… he…” Maya’s hand dropped and her gaze rested squarely on Ritsuko’s chest. “You died.”

“That’s right, Maya.”

Maya stared for a moment longer, only to suddenly grow panicked again. “Why do I know this?” she asked. “How do I know what happened?!”

“Maya.” Ritsuko gently placed her hands on her protégé’s shoulders. “You know why.”

The pieces of the puzzle were finally coming together in Maya’s head. “…we failed.”

“That’s right.”

Maya looked around. “Then… where are we?”

Ritsuko sighed. There was a lot to explain.

* * *

“Wait, wait, wait, back up.” Misato leaned forward in her chair. “You didn’t like the ending, so you just…created your own?”

“Well, it’s not that I hated the ending or anything, but yeah, that’s more or less what happened,” Asuka replied. “I mean, mine are all canon-compliant, but fanfiction is all about creating your own stories out of existing material.”

“Hmm.” Misato shrugged. “And how are your stories?”

“Ask Shinji. He’s my beta reader.”

“I’m your _only_ reader, Asuka.”

“Whatever. Tell her what you think.”

“I think they’re good. She really understands the characters. Although…” He trailed off.

Asuka squinted. “Although _what_?”

“I just think maybe… they’re a little… sad?”

“’Sad’?” Misato asked, surprised.

“Well most of the stories she’s shown me are just characters crying or getting hurt or comforting each other.”

Misato blinked. “Okay…”

“What’s your point?” Asuka asked, crossing her arms.

Shinji shrugged. “I just think, considering how dark the source material is, you would want to make happier stories.”

“Pfft. True, they’ve been through a lot, but they need to _earn_ their happiness. I’m not just going to let them be happy out of nowhere.”

“Aren’t you the little novelist,” Misato smirked. “Why not try writing your own original material? Then maybe I could take a look at it.”

“Eh, maybe,” Asuka shrugged. “But… I don’t know… I _could_ write some original stuff, but… I like being in the world of this story. Especially when I’d rather not be in the world where I am today.” She looked at Shinji. “Besides, I like it when you give me feedback. Makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I could really use all the accomplishments I can get these days, I’m starting to feel a little useless being cooped up in the house all the time.”

They heard the door open and turned to see Ritsuko gently closing it behind her.

“She’s awake,” she explained.

“We gathered. How is she?”

“About as well as I expected. I need a drink.” She walked over to the liquor cabinet and poured herself some bourbon.

“Rits…” Misato whispered. “Not in front of the kids.”

Shinji and Asuka eyed her with some level of annoyance. Who was she to talk about not drinking around them?

Ritsuko gave a shrug. “Best not put the liquor cabinet in the living room, then. Your room seems like a good spot, don’t you think?”

Misato glared at her.

Shinji decided to change the subject. “Did you explain everything?”

“Everything I could.” Ritsuko plopped down on the couch next to Shinji, the force of which briefly launched him into the air. “But as you can imagine, it’s all very confusing for her.”

“How… lucid is she exactly?” Misato asked.

“Well, whatever she went through in Instrumentality, her mind doesn’t seem to want to remember it. All I can get is information about events she didn’t personally witness, like my death for starters. But she doesn’t seem to remember any particular decisions that led to her coming to the beach.”

“So… she didn’t have a conversation with Rei?” Shinji asked.

“Doesn’t sound like it. I think Rei decided to keep her distance.”

“Well,” Misato remarked. “I guess until we get the more complicated stuff sorted out… looks like we have ourselves a new roommate.”

“Oh great, more people,” Asuka muttered. “How many rooms does this house even have?”

“We’ll have to sort out our rooming situations sooner or later,” Misato agreed. “She could room with Ritsuko—” She stopped, noticing a rather panicked expression on Ritsuko’s face. “Or me, I could give up my bed and—”

“Actually, she could use my room for now,” Shinji suggested.

“Really? But where will you sleep?”

“Er…” Shinji glanced nervously at Asuka. “Asuka wanted me to sleep in her room tonight.”

“Oh?” Misato blinked. Asuka had an awfully small bed.

“On the floor!” Asuka clarified.

“Ah, I see.” She winked at Shinji, who immediately turned red. “As for the chore chart—”

“I don’t mean to interrupt your impromptu house meeting,” Ritsuko interrupted. “But she literally just got here. Can’t you give her a little time to adjust?”

“Oh she’ll have plenty of time to adjust.” Misato looked out into the backyard. “Look at that storm out there, Ritsuko. We’re all in here for the long haul, no matter how you look at it.”

* * *

**Rage**

Asuka stared out the window. “It’s really coming down out there,” she remarked, a little awed. Then, annoyed, “I guess that means I won’t be going outside much.”

“Little too dangerous for that,” Misato nodded. “Sorry, Asuka.”

“Mm. Guess I picked a bad time to get hurt, huh?”

Shinji had moved from the living room to the kitchen, where he was doing some prep for dinner. “Does anyone want any coffee?” he asked when he heard the water heater go off.

No one except Ritsuko took his offer. Shinji started to pour her a mug, but partway to the top she signaled for him to stop before taking the remainder of her bourbon and pouring it into the mug.

“People do that?” he asked. “That seems…counter-intuitive.”

“Think of it as getting cross-faded, but worse,” Ritsuko replied as she took a sip. “Ah… good for the soul, especially in the winter months.”

“If you say so.”

* * *

Maya lay in the bed, curled up under her blankets.

There were a lot of things going through her mind. From what Ritsuko had told her, it had been nearly a year since Third Impact. Ritsuko herself had only come back a few weeks prior, and supposedly there was no one else for miles.

The other thing going through her mind was the fact that they had failed. For all the work NERV had gone through, all that she and her comrades had to witness, it had been for naught. Or rather, it had been service of a scheme they could have never imagined.

But then again, from what she could tell, Third Impact had been reversed. People were coming back, the deaths she witnessed on that dreaded day were reversible, and what’s more her superior, her mentor, her…uh, _senpai_ , was alive and here with her.

So why did she feel so empty inside?

* * *

Ritsuko sat at the table, anxiously tapping her long since-empty mug.

Shinji sat nearby, still nursing his cup of coffee. “Aren’t you going to go back in?” he asked.

“And what? Talk to her?” Ritsuko laughed. “I can’t think of anything less desirable.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Well, besides the responsibility of getting her up to date on what’s been going on out here…” Ritsuko began. “I’m also gonna have to talk about everything else.”

“Meaning?”

“For starters, her little crush on me.”

“Oh… yeah.”

“What gives, you coward?” Asuka called from the living room. “You’ve literally been inside her mind! How hard can it be to talk to someone about their feelings for you now that you know about them?”

Ritsuko squinted. “Ah yes, I’m sure the first thing you and Shinji did after you emerged on the beach was talk about your feelings for each other.”

There was a silence.

“Gee,” Asuka finally said. “That would’ve been great, _right Shinji?”_

Shinji sunk into his chair. He was never going to live that first moment down, but after living a somewhat peaceful existence with Asuka for nearly two months he was okay with that.

“Anyway,” Ritsuko continued. “What Maya needs right now is space.”

“Yeah, well, she’s in _my_ space,” Asuka snorted. “So she’s gonna need to come out eventually.”

“She’s right,” Misato nodded. “Besides, won’t she need food and other things eventually? Who’s gonna be the one to bring all that to her? Because it’s not gonna be me. I mean seriously, Ritsuko, how long do you think you can avoid really getting her up to speed on _everything_?”

Ritsuko put her hands on the table, pushed her chair back, stood up…and walked straight past the bedroom door and up the stairs. A moment later they heard the door to her room slam.

“I thought adults were supposed to know how to do things like this,” Asuka remarked.

Misato laughed. “When you get older, Asuka, you’ll realize that the line between child and adult is a lot more arbitrary than you were taught.”

 _Of all the people to say that,_ Asuka thought to herself.

Misato sighed. “She’ll come around eventually. You remember how much Instrumentality complicates things.”

Asuka harrumphed. “That’s one way of putting it.”

Shinji glanced over at the water heater. “You think she’d want some coffee?”

“Maybe. Wouldn’t hurt to ask.”

* * *

Maya was still curled up under the sheets when she heard the door open.

She turned to look. “ _Senpai_?”

“Uh, no, Lieutenant Ibuki,” came the reply. “It’s me.”

 _Shinji._ “Oh…hello.”

“Ms. Ritsuko’s upstairs, I was wondering if you’d like some coffee?”

Maya stared at the scrawny boy standing in the light of the doorway. He didn’t look a day older than he had the last time she saw him.

“I’d love some,” she replied.

The day he cowered while the rest of NERV burned.

“How do you take your coffee?” he asked.

The day he refused to save everyone.

“Cream and two sugars.”

The day that everyone died.

“I’ll be right back.”

**Murderer.**

* * *

Shinji spooned some of the coffee granules into the mug and poured some hot water in before grabbing the sugar cubes and powdered milk. “Do you think she’ll mind that it’s just milk and not cream?” he asked.

“I doubt she’d complain,” Asuka replied. She looked at Misato. “You know… I guess it could be nice having her as another roommate. She was always the nicest one to us.”

Misato smirked. “You didn’t even remember which one she was until an hour ago.”

“I’m allowed to warm up, okay?” She thought. “It’s getting harder to remember too much from Instrumentality, but… I remember feeling her reaction to seeing my last battle. I mean, I imagine it—well, it wasn’t pretty for anyone to watch, but there was something different about it for her.”

“I know what you mean,” Misato nodded. “Ibuki was always the meekest of the bridge crew. I’m honestly surprised she stuck around at NERV that long.”

Shinji stopped stirring the coffee to think for a moment. Instrumentality seemed like ages ago to him. By its very nature, it was everything and everyone at once, so when you gained your individual self, most of your memories were a jumble. You could pick out stuff from that jumble, but as time moved on there was just too much information to keep track of forever.

Shinji was trying to piece one thing that he was recalling, something very specific to Lieutenant Ibuki. But he couldn’t remember what it was.

Finally he shook his head and walked over to the door to her bedroom. “Lieutenant Ibuki?” he knocked.

No answer. That was odd.

He opened the door and stepped in. “I have your coffee,” he announced.

Then he noticed something strange. The bed was empty.

“Lieutenant Ibuki?” he called again. He stepped in a little further. “Are you in here?”

And then—

* * *

Asuka was the first to register the crash. “What the—?”

“Hmm?” Misato asked, looking up from the TV.

“Did you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

Another crash. They both turned and looked at the open door to the bedroom.

* * *

Shinji desperately grasped at the hands clasped tightly around his throat. It was hard to really see much in the dark room beyond what the door illuminated, but one thing was absolutely clear: Maya was trying to kill him.

If he were of a clearer mindset, the reason would be obvious to him. Maya had been at NERV the day the JSSDF attacked. In the process, she had witnessed destruction, death, and horrors beyond her wildest imagination. And all of it was the fault of a scared little boy who was too wrapped up in his sorrows to do anything about it. This was her form of revenge.

Except that wasn’t what was going through Shinji’s mind at the time. Mainly he was thinking about his survival instinct, as he tried to push Maya off of him, or at least try to get her to remove her hands from his throat.

The other thing he was thinking about was the cup of coffee he had brought in for her. When she had leapt on him the coffee had spilled in his hands, burning him, and he could now see the empty mug lying uselessly on the floor.

 _But I made that for you_ , he was thinking, stupidly.

A light turned on. “What the f—” he heard a voice start to say before Maya was wrenched off of him and thrown across the room by a horrified Misato Katsuragi. “Shinji, are you okay?” she asked, immediately going to him.

He rubbed his throat. “I’m—” he winced. It was hard to talk. He looked up to try to say something, and managed to let out a croaked, “Look out!”

Misato only had time to turn and look before Maya was on her, punching and screaming as she tried to claw past her and at Shinji once more.

“Shinji, get out of here!” Misato managed to call. “And get Ritsu—!” Her last sentence was interrupted by a fist making contact with her jaw.

Shinji, still a little woozy from Maya’s murder attempt, managed to stumble out of the room while Misato tried to keep Maya at bay.

“What the hell’s going on in there?” Asuka asked as she started to move in the direction of the bedroom.

Shinji decided he didn’t have time to respond. “DR. AKAGI!” he called out. “HELP!”

“’Help’?” Asuka asked. “Why—” She cut herself off in surprise as Maya leapt out of the room and slammed straight into Shinji, knocking him into the counter.

Shinji, a little more prepared, was more successful at knocking Maya’s hands away from getting to his throat. What he was a little less prepared for was Maya grabbing one of the mugs on the table and trying to slam it straight into his head, just barely managing to get out of the way. The mug made contact with the hardwood counter, shattering it.

Misato finally emerged from the bedroom, bruised and bloodied. Wordlessly, she grabbed at Maya, trying again to physically remove her from Shinji, only for Maya to turn her attacks to her instead, grabbing another mug from the table and slamming it directly into Misato’s forehead. Dazed, Misato fell against the wall and sunk to the floor.

Asuka stared at the spectacle in horror. What the hell was going on? And why wasn’t she doing anything to help?

In a moment of sheer panic and adrenaline, Asuka locked the brakes on her wheelchair, grabbed at the armrests, and launched herself out of the chair, miraculously landing right on Maya’s back.

Surprised by the sudden attack, Maya stumbled before landing face first on the floor.

“Stay down!” Asuka grunted.

But Maya didn’t stay down. She looked up to see Shinji standing nearby, staring at her in shock. “I’ll…” she breathed heavily. “I’ll…” the rest of the sentence came out as a strained whisper.

“What?” Shinji asked reflexively.

“I’LL KILL YOU!” The scream rocked Shinji to his core. “I’LL KILL YOU!” She began to crawl forward.

“No you don’t!” Seeing few other options, Asuka resorted to punching Maya’s head and tearing at her hair. But Maya simply jolted herself, sending Asuka to the side as she tried to stand.

But before she could, Misato grabbed her by the legs and pulled hard, sending her slamming into the ground once more.

Asuka, gaining her second wind, pushed herself forward and once again managed to get a grip on Maya’s upper torso. “Stay put you crazy bitch!” she growled.

“Hold her down, Asuka!” Misato called as she wrapped her arms around Maya’s legs when they tried to kick her away. “Shinji, help!”

Shinji stared at the struggling Maya Ibuki, who was once again looking up at him with pure hatred.

He was not unfamiliar with hate. He’d seen it in Toji when they first met. He’d seen it in Asuka during Instrumentality.

But he had never seen hate quite like this.

“I’LL KILL YOU!” Maya repeated. It was more like a chant than it was a threat at this point _“I’LL KILL YOU!”_

“What the hell is going on here?!” Ritsuko exclaimed, startling Shinji. He hadn’t even realized she had arrived.

Misato looked up in disbelief. “What does it look like?!”

Ritsuko hesitated before making a run for the stairs. “I’ll be right back!” she called. “Hold her down!”

“No shit!” Asuka shouted. “SHINJI! Stop gaping and lend a hand, you idiot!”

Shinji finally shook off his thoughts and joined Asuka in trying to hold Maya down.

Maya continued to scream, her threats at Shinji now basically incoherent as she struggled to break free.

Ritsuko reappeared shortly afterwards, fumbling with a bottle of something and a syringe. “I told you to give her space!” she grumbled as she inserted the syringe into the bottle. “What did I tell you—”

 ** _“RITS!”_** Misato shouted. “Whatever you’re doing, _would you **hurry it up please?!**_ **”**

“Dammit!” Ritsuko checked the syringe for any air bubbles before kneeling down on the ground. “Sorry, Maya.” And she stabbed the needle straight into her neck.

Maya continued to thrash for a few more seconds, before her struggling grew weaker, and finally she went limp.

After a few tense seconds to make sure she had stopped, the three holding her let go and collapsed on the floor in exhaustion.

“What exactly happened here?” Ritsuko asked.

Shinji looked up at her. “I… I went in to give her some coffee—”

“ _You_ talked to her?!” Ritsuko stared at him in shock. “Why the hell would you do that?!”

“I…wanted to be helpful.” Shinji stared at Maya, the image of pure hatred now etched in his mind. “I didn’t know…”

Asuka took a deep breath. “Just what did you give her, anyway?” she panted.

Ritsuko held up the bottle of liquid. “Industrial strength horse tranquilizer,” she explained. “Should keep her under for a few hours.”

There was a silence.

“What?” she asked, noticing everyone’s stares.

“You just… _happened_ to have that on you?” Misato asked.

“It doesn’t hurt to be prepared!”

“Prepared for what?! _Tranquilizing horses_?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...so that happened...


	13. Cabin Fever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The most awkward living situation on Earth.
> 
> Granted there's only, like, 5 people that we know of on Earth.

“Easy now…”

“I got it… _ow_.” Asuka gently set herself back in the wheelchair. “Okay, I’m good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Misato, I’m a little more worried about you right now.”

Misato felt her face. Her jaw was already starting to swell, and she was still a little dizzy from getting a mug slammed into her forehead. She could feel little bits of ceramic still embedded in the skin, which she sensed were going to be a pain in the ass to remove.

“Here,” Shinji said, holding out an icepack. “Sit down, I’ll help you out.”

“You really don’t have to do that, Shinji.”

“It’s fine.” He set her in one of the kitchen chairs, soaked some gauze in alcohol and began wiping at her forehead, gently cleaning off the blood and trying to get any small bits of ceramic.

Misato eyed Shinji as he did so. He’d mentioned something a few weeks ago about possibly becoming a doctor or a nurse. Seeing him like this, she could imagine him in that role.

But mainly she was worried about how unaffected Shinji seemed about what had just happened.

“Shinji—”

“Not right now, I need to concentrate.”

“Shinji.” She brushed his hand away. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he shrugged. “She didn’t hurt me that much.”

Misato’s eyes drifted down to the giant purple blotches on his neck, where Maya had grabbed hold not more than 10 minutes ago.

“If you need to talk about it…” she began. “…I’m more than—OW!”

“Hold still,” Shinji said as he pulled out another piece of ceramic. “I can’t help you if you don’t.”

“Shinji, I really think— _ow_ —I really think we should—" She stopped speaking when she saw Ritsuko return.

“Got your clothes,” Ritsuko announced, handing Shinji a pile of clothing. “Also a few books, since she’s going to be trapped in there overnight.”

“Trapped?” Shinji looked up from the pile. “What do you mean?”

“She’s in the bed,” Ritsuko confirmed to Misato. And then, reluctantly, “And restrained.”

“Is that really necessary?” Shinji asked.

Misato stared at him in shock. “She tried to kill you!”

“I know, but…” He trailed off. He didn’t actually have much of a reason why he objected. It just didn’t seem fair.

“Well we can’t just kick her out in the middle of a snowstorm,” Ritsuko pointed out. “So if she’s staying, we can’t take any chances. Shinji, you’re going to sleep downstairs with Asuka tonight, while Misato and I will keep watch in case she breaks free. And until we figure this all out, hopefully tomorrow, _only_ the two of us can talk to her, understood?”

“Not exactly like I can get up there,” Asuka muttered.

Shinji didn’t respond right away. In his head was the image of Lieutenant Ibuki crawling towards him, pure anger emanating from her face.

_“I’ll kill you… I’ll kill you…”_

“Shinji.”

“Hmm? What?” He realized Ritsuko was snapping her fingers in his face.

Ritsuko sighed. “I was just saying you’re not allowed to go upstairs,” she said. “Not until we figure out what to do about Maya. Do you understand?”

“Umm, yes.”

* * *

**Episode 13: Cabin Fever**

Maya’s eyes fluttered awake to a different ceiling than she remembered.

Looking towards the foot of the bed, she saw two figures talking to each other. Her vision was a little blurry, but she could recognize their voices.

“…are you saying I shouldn’t be pissed?” Katsuragi.

“I’m saying that you need to be gentle with her.” Ritsuko.

“Gentle? Five hours ago that woman was ready to kill Shinji, remember?!”

Memories came flooding back. The rage she felt at seeing Shinji. Her attempt to kill him. Katsuragi, Asuka, and Shinji restraining her, and Ritsuko sedating her.

“If I had known she had Shinji rabies, I would’ve left her on the damn beach!” Misato continued.

Ritsuko laughed incredulously. “And what, let her freeze to death? That’s low, Katsuragi, even for you.”

She tried to move her hands, but instead felt something pulling them back. Looking upwards, she realized her hands were restrained to the bedposts. She tried to muster the energy to pull at them, but she couldn’t get her muscles to do much besides loosely jerk at the ropes.

The sound of her trying to move caught the attention of the two standing nearby.

“You’re awake,” Ritsuko said, almost relieved. “For a minute there I thought I gave you too much ketamine.”

Maya stared at her. “Why…why am I tied up?”

Misato gave an incredulous laugh. “Why do you think?”

“It’s a precaution,” Ritsuko explained. She sat down in a chair next to the bed. “Maya, do you remember what happened?”

Maya’s expression darkened. She simply gave a nod.

“Good.” _Not so good_. “Well, then you understand why we had to do this right?”

Maya stared at her silently.

“Maya?”

“Because you want to protect Shinji,” she muttered.

Ritsuko sighed. “Yes, that is one reason,” she said. “But not just Shinji, Maya, this is for the good of everyone in the house, including you.”

No response.

“Listen. There is a lot we haven’t had the chance to talk to you about, but… you almost killed him, Maya. Do you understand?”

Silence.

“If you had, there would have been no coming back from that.”

_“I know what I was doing.”_

Misato took a threatening step forward, only to be stopped by Ritsuko shooting a sharp “no” her way and holding up a hand.

Ritsuko turned back to Maya. “I understand how you must feel about him, but—”

“Stop pretending you care how I feel!” Maya spat in Ritsuko’s face. “You never cared about me.”

Ritsuko tried to keep a level head. “That’s not true.”

“All that time, working for you, supporting you, you treated me like I was a child! I wanted you to see me as your equal, not your cheerleader!”

“Maya, I… you know I…” Ritsuko stammered. “I… respected your work ethic…”

(“Sweet Jesus,” Misato muttered under her breath.)

Maya stared at Ritsuko, seemingly relishing in her mentor’s sudden retreat. “For _years_ I was just your little toy, someone you could order around and have answer your every whim!” she said, adding fuel to the fire. "All I wanted from you was to look at me like you looked at Commander Ikari!"

 _Oh god._ “Maya, that’s not—” Ritsuko winced. “That’s a conversation for later, Maya, right now… _right now_ we need to talk about what happened _today_.”

Maya looked away from Ritsuko.

“Listen to me, _please_. I don’t want to leave you like this all night.”

Maya gave a bitter laugh.

“Maya, look at me!”

No response.

“Maya!”

**_“Lieutenant Ibuki!”_ **

The sudden outburst from Misato startled Maya into looking right at her.

“You might want to take a different tone, Ibuki,” she said. “Because as of right now, Ritsuko is _literally_ your only friend in the entire world. Neither of the kids will be talking to you anytime soon, and frankly I was ready to toss you out into the snowstorm or worse after the stunt you pulled today.” She crossed her arms. “But that’s not what we’re going to do. So I suggest you show her the courtesy of hearing her out, because she’s putting a lot on the line taking your side right now.”

Maya’s eyes briefly flickered over to Ritsuko.

“That being said,” Misato continued as she walked over to the other side of the bed. “I’m… _sympathetic_ to your anger. Lord knows I’m prone to irrational judgments, right Rits?”

“No comment,” Ritsuko muttered.

“But let’s get something straight. In this household, I’m Shinji’s mother. My duty is to protect and defend him from harm. Now, I don’t know what exactly we’re gonna do with you yet, whether it be letting you stay or leaving you to fend for yourself. But what I do know is that if you so much as lay one finger on him again…”

She leaned in very close, forcing the terrified Maya to pull back.

 _“I will snap that tiny neck of yours in two.”_ She stood up. “Kapiche?”

After a moment, Maya gave a nervous little nod.

“Good.” Misato stepped back. “All yours, Ritsuko.”

Ritsuko gave Misato an annoyed glare before turning back to Maya. “Look, until we figure out what to do about all this, you’re going to have to stay in here. We’ll bring you food, we’ll escort you to the bathroom, but otherwise you cannot leave this room, and you absolutely can’t go anywhere near the kids. Do you understand?”

 _The kids_. “How’s Asuka?” Maya blurted out without thinking.

“She’s fine,” Misato said. “And I’m also doing just fine, by the way,” she added, tapping the bandage around her forehead. “ _Ow._ No thanks to you, of course.”

The fact that Asuka could have seriously injured herself in trying to stop her crossed Maya’s mind, but she kept her mouth shut.

“We just need you to cooperate for now.” Ritsuko leaned forward. “Please?”

Maya stared into Ritsuko’s eyes. There was honesty in them, perhaps a clear sign that Ritsuko truly didn’t want to hurt her.

But then she looked up at her restraints and scowled. “So I’m your prisoner then,” she said.

Ritsuko eyed the rope. “We can remove the restraints, if you’d like,” she offered slowly, eyeing Misato for approval, and getting a begrudging nod in response. “But… yes, you can’t leave the room, and one of us will be keeping watch all night.”

“Afraid I’ll kill him in his sleep?”

“You wouldn’t make it out the fucking door,” Misato said coolly.

That shut Maya up quick.

After a moment of silence, Ritsuko and Misato each took a restraint and untied them.

“Don’t make us regret this,” Misato warned.

Maya simply felt her wrists, which were pretty sore from being bound so tight.

“Katsuragi has the first watch,” Ritsuko explained. “I’ll take over in a few hours, so behave until then, okay?”

Maya stared at her. “Why do you think I care when you’ll be back?” she asked.

Ritsuko hesitated, trying to think of a response. Finally she simply stood up, nodded to Misato, and exited out the door.

“Best get to sleeping soon,” Misato remarked. She pulled out a can of beer, cracked it open, and took a sip. “Because it’s gonna be a loooooong night.”

* * *

“Shinji, you really shouldn’t be doing that.”

“There’s a mess, I’m cleaning it up.”

“It’s not _your_ mess to clean. Just let Misato or Ritsuko do it.”

“It’s not their mess either!”

While the adults were upstairs dealing with Maya, Shinji had taken it upon himself to start cleaning up the kitchen, which Asuka continued to watch in disbelief.

“Shinji, I get that the past few hours have been… _insane_ , but you shouldn’t feel obligated to clean up after Ibuki.”

Shinji stopped sweeping for a moment, thinking about this… and then immediately returned to what he was doing.

Asuka sighed. It was like talking to a wall.

Ritsuko appeared. “Well, she’s awake,” she said. “Again. I think Katsuragi scared her into cooperating.”

“Is she still tied up?” Shinji asked. He seemed worried.

Ritsuko looked at him strangely. “No, we untied her,” she admitted, making note of Shinji’s relieved expression. “But she’s not leaving that room anytime soon.”

“Sorry Shinji,” Asuka said. “Looks like you’ll be sleeping with me for a—” She stopped. “Looks like you’ll be sleeping down here for a while.”

Ritsuko smirked. “Nice save.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m fine with it really,” Shinji said. “I actually kind of got used to the first floor anyway. It’s comforting in a weird way.”

“Yeah…” Ritsuko looked at the mess in the kitchen and reached for the broom. “Let me help you with th—”

“I got it,” Shinji said quickly, moving the broom slightly out of reach.

“Oh. Okay.” She watched as Shinji moved to another area of the kitchen, before walking over to Asuka. “How are you doing?” she asked in a low voice.

“I’m fine.”

“You sure? That whole thing was a little…you know.”

Asuka pursed her lips for a second. “I wasn’t the one she tried to kill.”

* * *

A few hours went by.

Maya lay on the top of the bedspread, staring up at the ceiling.

Ironically, after being knocked unconscious by a sedative, she couldn’t sleep. Not after everything that had happened.

Flashes of memories crossed her mind. Unit 01 eating Zeruel. Unit 02 getting disemboweled in the field. The giant form of Lilith passing through Terminal Dogma.

And at the center of it all—that cursed little boy, the one who cowered while the world burned.

None of it made sense to her. This boy in her mind deserved all the punishment in the world, and yet here he was. Living in some suburban household with Major Katsuragi. With Asuka. With her _senpai_.

The fact that Asuka was among them really confused her. It was Asuka’s final rejection of Shinji that led to Third Impact. Yet apparently they were once again roommates. How could that work?

_Because that little girl always had a crush on him._

_Amazing what kids are willing to forgive in the name of getting in each others’ pants._

“Pathetic.”

“Shut up,” Misato said. She was stationed at the door, with her chair pressed up against the wall.

“I wasn’t talking to you.”

“I’d rather you weren’t talking at all. Talking means you’re not sleeping. And you should be sleeping. You’ve had a rough day.” She reached under the chair and pulled out another can of beer. She pulled the tab and took a sip.

Maya watched her. “ _Senpai_ always said you liked to drink yourself silly.”

“Did she now?” Misato lowered the beer. “And I suppose she told you other things?”

Maya blinked. “Only that you’re pretending you’re sober around them so they’ll think you’re a good parent.”

Misato kept her mouth clenched shut for a few moments as she tried to suppress her anger. _I’m gonna kill you for telling her that, Rits_. “Yeah, well, she’s not one to criticize my drinking.” Misato leaned forward. “She and I had some wild nights in college, you know." She wiggled her eyebrows. "Enough to make _you_ jealous.”

Maya lifted her head to stare at Misato.

“I’m just kidding, we only fooled around a bit.” She took a sip of her beer. “Although, I suppose everyone in our class had a feeling about her, you know? You just kind of notice these things.”

Silence.

“Was kind of surprised when she hooked up with Commander Ikari, though.”

Maya stared at Misato for a bit longer before putting her head back down and trying to ignore her.

Misato saw this. Good. She was getting a reaction. “You know, if it makes you feel any better, everyone at NERV knew about your little crush. Except her, obviously.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Obviously, she was a little too self-absorbed to notice.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Plus, you know, she was busy shagging Shinji’s dad to—”

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!” Maya screamed. “I…I don’t want to talk about it.”

Misato blinked, a little surprised. “Okay, fine.”

Misato looked at the beer, then back at Maya. Maybe she went a little too far.

Then she saw Maya’s hands covering her eyes and heard the quiet sobs.

That just made her angry. How dare she cry? After everything that happened today?

“What?” Misato asked, annoyed. “Do you want me to feel sorry for you?”

“Shut up.”

Misato stood up. “You tried to kill Shinji! I should’ve wrung your neck for that!”

Maya removed her hands from her eyes to look at Misato. “Shut up!”

She walked closer to the bed. “How could you try to kill a poor, defenseless child who’s only trying to help?!”

“Shut up!” Maya was clenching her eyes closed, seemingly afraid of whatever it was Misato planned to do.

Misato stood there for a moment. “You know,” she said calmly. “I really wish I _didn’t_ understand how you feel.”

Maya opened her eyes and stared at Misato incredulously.

“I had a feeling someone like you would come along,” she continued. “In a way I’m glad it was you, and not someone else.” She sighed. “Because someone else would have actually succeeded.”

* * *

Asuka stared at the ceiling. It was a bit weird, lying in her bed shortly after someone else had used it. Like her personal space had been violated. Of course, she didn’t have any other options.

The sheets smelled a bit like Ibuki. It wasn’t a bad smell at all, just… awkward, given the circumstances.

“Psst, Shinji,” she whispered. “You up?”

After a pause, a wide-awake voice from the floor replied, “Yeah.”

She pursed her lips, trying to find the words. “How are you feeling right now?”

Pause. “I’m fine.”

It was the least convincing “I’m fine” she had ever heard. And she should know: she was the queen of saying “I’m fine” while not being so.

“Well,” she offered. “If you need anything, I’m right here.” Then she thought about it. “I mean obviously I can’t really _go_ very far, but, you know, if you—”

“Lieutenant Ibuki tried to kill me today.”

She paused. “I know,” she said quietly. “But… she didn’t,” she added, trying to sound positive.

“She was going to. If you, Misato, and Dr. Akagi hadn’t stopped her, she would have.”

Asuka sighed. “Yeah…” she admitted. “Didn’t know she had it in her.”

They were quiet for a while.

Of course Maya hated Shinji. It had been something they’d suspected would happen eventually: one day, someone would emerge from the ocean of LCL, and they would immediately blame Shinji for Third Impact and all of NERV’s actions.

Still, her near-rabid reaction to seeing Shinji was, to say the least, concerning. To Asuka, it was disturbing: the parallels to Shinji’s initial reaction to her own return hadn’t escaped her notice. Somehow she doubted a tender touch of the cheek would be enough to calm Maya.

“Well…” she said finally. “You know, you’re still alive. That counts for something, right?”

Silence.

“…Shinji?” She propped her arms up to get a better look.

Shinji was still on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, lost in thought.

“Shinji, did you hear me?”

“Do you think she’s hungry?”

What? “ _What?_ ”

“We didn’t give her any food. Do you think she’s hungry?”

“Uh…” She genuinely had no idea how to respond. “… _maybe_? You could ask Misato or Dr. Akagi if—”

“I’ll make her something.” Shinji got up from his sleeping bag and went for the door.

“What? Wait, Shinji, don’t go—!”

But he was gone.

“ _Scheiß_ ,” Asuka muttered. “Everyone’s running and going places in this house. Why can’t I be like them?”

She glanced over at the wheelchair, the bane of her existence.

“Shut up,” she said hoping it would turn away in shame.

Alas, it didn’t.

* * *

**The Restless Night**

_Knock, knock_.

Misato sat up. Finally.

She opened the door to find Ritsuko standing there. “How’d you sleep?”

“I didn’t,” Ritsuko replied. “Little hard to do that when you can hear your best friend harassing your _kohai_ from across the hall.”

Misato smirked. “Oh, so I’m your best friend now?”

“Don’t test me, Katsuragi. How’d everything go?”

“Fine,” Misato shrugged.

Ritsuko looked down at the four cans of beer lying crushed on the floor. “You shouldn’t be drinking if you’re concussed,” she warned.

“I feel fine,” Misato shrugged. “Just drunk.”

“How do you know that’s not a concussion?”

Misato rolled her eyes as she picked up the empty cans. “I’m more upset we lost my favorite mug.” She threw this comment at the woman on the bed, who simply gave an annoyed groan.

“She didn’t go to sleep?” Ritsuko asked in disbelief.

“Not my problem,” Misato muttered as she walked out of the room.

Ritsuko sighed before heading over to Maya. “Are you still awake?” she asked.

Maya covered her head with a pillow, but she gave a low grunt acknowledging she was, in fact, still awake.

“You should really get some sleep, it’s past midnight.”

Maya let out a little groan, but otherwise didn’t answer.

When there are about a million things you have to say to a person, and none of them are particularly easy to talk about, sometimes you can’t help but say nothing. And that’s what Ritsuko was feeling at the moment.

It wasn’t the right moment anyway. It was dark. Maya was probably still angry with her. If they got into a heated discussion right now, it would wake up everyone in the house.

Ritsuko wasn’t sure how she felt about that. Of the five people in this household, it was just the two of them awake. And neither of them wanted to speak to the other.

_Knock knock knock._

“The hell?” Perhaps Misato left something behind?

Ritsuko got up from her chair and went over to the door.

“Who is it?” she called.

A timid voice called from the other side, “It’s uh… me.”

 _Oh no_. She looked over at Maya, who had abruptly removed the pillow from her face upon recognizing the voice.

“Just…stay out there!” Ritsuko called out. She turned back to Maya. “Don’t move,” she warned.

Maya gripped the pillow in her hands, but stayed in the bed.

Ritsuko took a deep breath before quickly slipping out the door and closing it behind her, placing herself between it and the scrawny boy in the hallway. “I told you to stay downstairs!” she hissed. “What are you doing up so late?!”

“I couldn’t sleep.” Shinji nervously shifted his weight. “I… thought she might be hungry, so… I made fried rice.”

Ritsuko looked down. Sure enough, in his hands was a small bowl of fried rice, made with egg, onion, carrots, and some sort of meat. It smelled pretty good.

Oh yeah. They hadn’t fed her, had they?

“I’ll—thank you, Shinji, I’ll give it to her.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, wanting to avoid chewing him out. “But you _need_ to stay away from this room, Shinji, okay? It’s… it’s not safe for you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s… it was nice of you Shinji…” She took the bowl but gave an exasperated sigh. “Jesus fucking Christ, Shinji, why do you have to be so nice all the time?”

“…not so nice.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

She opened the door. Shinji peeked into the room and was immediately greeted by the sight of Maya staring straight at him from the bed.

For a brief second they made eye contact, like two acquaintances passing by each other on the street. Shinji didn’t have a whole lot of time to read into it before Ritsuko closed the door, but there was something strange about Maya’s wide-eyed look. Perhaps it was disbelief that he had dared show his face.

After a moment of standing there, considering his next move, he chose to turn and head back down the stairs.

Maya stared at the door for a moment longer before looking back at Ritsuko. “What did _he_ want?” she growled.

“He thought you might be hungry. Here.” Ritsuko held out the bowl.

Maya stared at the bowl for a moment as she comprehended what was in it before turning her head away. “I don’t want it.”

“You haven’t eaten anything since you got back, and empty stomachs mess with sleep. So eat.”

Maya could smell the rice. It actually smelled pretty good, but still she looked away. "I'm not touching anything he made."

“Are you gonna make me force feed you? Because I’m more than happy to if it means you’ll get some food in your stomach.” Ritsuko dug the spoon into the rice and held it out. “Here comes the airplane…” she said sarcastingly.

Maya glared at her before finally snatching the bowl and spoon. She gave the food a cautious taste before commencing eating.

Ritsuko smiled. She was relieved that Maya was eating, at least. “How is it?” she asked.

“It’s good,” Maya admitted.

“Yeah… Shinji’s a pretty good cook.”

Maya let out another grunt in reply.

They exchanged no more words for the next several minutes. Maya stayed focus on her food, while Ritsuko simply watched.

When the bowl was empty, Ritsuko placed it on a nearby dresser while Maya lay her head back and returned to staring at the ceiling.

And the uncomfortable silence returned.

Finally, Ritsuko spoke up. “You gonna sleep or…?”

“I’ll get to it,” Maya muttered.

“You’d better. I’m not giving you anymore ketamine to help.” She laughed slightly.

Maya turned and glared at her.

“Sorry, that was…that was inappropriate.”

Maya rubbed the part of her neck where Ritsuko had inserted the needle. “You didn’t have to sedate me.”

“If I hadn’t, would you have stopped trying to kill Shinji?”

“…”

“Yeah, I didn’t think so. Go to sleep, Maya.”

Maya returned to staring up at the ceiling. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why are you all trying to protect him?”

Oh boy. Ritsuko didn’t answer.

Maya prodded. “How can you protect him after what he did?”

“What _he_ did?” Ritsuko laughed slightly. “You mean what _we_ did to _him_. Maya, he’s a _child_. A scared little boy who was manipulated and traumatized by people who didn’t care about him at all.”

“He ended the world!”

“He was treated like garbage until he saw no other alternative, and he made an impulsive decision! Sound familiar?”

Maya stared at her.

“Come on, Maya. You and I both know what you did today was impulsive. You needed someone to blame… and you picked on a little boy instead of someone who actually helped cause Third Impact.” She crossed her arms. “Everyone who worked at NERV helped things along, including you.”

Maya’s eyes widened with anger. How dare Ritsuko blame her?! “I…I didn’t know! I wouldn’t have done anything if I’d known what it was we were working towards! Don’t you understand that?”

“Understand? Maya, I knew _everything_. And I went along with it anyway.” She leaned in. “Get a good look at your _senpai’s_ face, Maya, because I’m more responsible for Third Impact than Shinji is. So…are you gonna try to kill _me_ now?” She held out her arms. "Go on. I'm wide open."

Maya stared at Ritsuko. But she made no move towards her.

“Didn’t think so.” Ritsuko leaned back. “And guess what? I still have nightmares about how much pain and suffering happened because I was too obsessed with Commander Ikari to care to stop it all. I don’t think I deserve forgiveness, or anything resembling a normal life for what I’ve done. But somehow Shinji, in his infinite naïveté, thinks even I deserve some form of happiness. He’s wished forgiveness on everyone who’s come back so far—and clearly that includes you, despite that little stunt you pulled today. So I’d rather not see you squander his kindness, if you don’t mind.”

Maya blinked, a little stunned by Ritsuko’s speech. But eventually she got back her nerve. “ _He_ forgives _me_? Well _I’m_ not ready to forgive _him_. He still caused Third Impact!”

“And he also helped reverse it. Either way,” Ritsuko added pointedly. “He doesn’t deserve to die for it.”

Maya was quiet for a moment. “He doesn’t deserve to go unpunished either,” she muttered as she turned over in the bed and closed her eyes. Clearly she was too exhausted to continue this conversation with Ritsuko.

“Who said he’s gone unpunished?” Ritsuko shrugged. “I’d say he’s punished himself plenty. If anything, he deserves some sort of victory.”

If Maya heard her, she didn’t show it. A moment later she was snoring.

* * *

Asuka opened and closed her right fist a few times.

In her quiet moments alone, she had taken to doing this: it was her way of keeping her hand active.

Of course, she couldn’t do much once an attack actually happened, particularly once she fell asleep. For that reason, tonight she was trying especially hard not to fall asleep before Shinji returned.

There were a few things bothering her about this whole business. One was the fact that they were now living with a woman who only hours beforehand had tried to kill Shinji—and she was only one floor above them. Two was the fact that, realistically, she was not the only possible returnee from Third Impact who would want to do this.

But most importantly, it was how Shinji was taking all this. Those first few weeks had been rough for him, especially with Asuka and Misato’s initially volatile relationship, but after her injury they had settled into a comfortable routine. Misato went hunting. Ritsuko operated the radio. Shinji tended the garden. Asuka did… uh…

Well, she mostly stayed in bed. But still, she kept herself busy with her violin and writing fanfiction.

She sighed. It went without saying she had some ulterior motives in inviting Shinji to sleep in the bedroom. Nothing drastic or anything, just… an excuse to be in his company, and maybe, _just maybe_ , gauge how comfortable they were in taking any next steps.

And then Ibuki arrived and fucked that all up.

She heard the door open and looked up in time to see Shinji walk a few steps forward and collapse into his futon—which was accompanied by a loud “thunk” and a muttered, “Ow.”

“Serves you right for landing so hard,” Asuka remarked. “How’d it go?”

“Fine,” he said.

Silence.

“That's it?”

“I don’t know if she ate,” he shrugged. “I only gave Dr. Akagi the food.”

“Knowing her, she would’ve forced Ibuki to eat it eventually.”

“Yeah…”

They were quiet for a while longer.

Asuka hated this silence. She knew Shinji wasn’t sleeping, and she sure as hell couldn’t sleep. So why did they have to be quiet all the time?

“Shinji,” she said finally. “Thanks for being here.”

“What?”

“Thanks for agreeing to sleep here tonight. I really appreciate it.”

There was a long silence.

Asuka frowned. Had he heard her?

Then she heard laughing.

“Shinji?” She lifted herself a little to get a better view of him.

Sure enough, he was starting to laugh.

“Hey!” she snapped. “Don’t laugh at that, I’m serious!”

Finally the laughter eased off. “Asuka, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but it’s not going to work.”

 _The hell?_ “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What good is you or Misato or Ritsuko being so nice to me all the time, when we know what the rest of the world probably thinks?”

“Shinji, I was just—”

“She _actually_ tried to kill me!” His outburst shut her up. “She _really_ tried! You should’ve seen the rage in her eyes, Asuka! Pure, unfiltered hate… it’s exactly what I’ve dreamed would happen when people came back.” He laughed. “I honestly thought I was imagining it! That people would be fine with me when they came back!”

“Shinji…”

“What a joke! I always figured everyone in the entire world wants me dead.”

“Hey, hey! Look at me, Shinji.”

He looked. “What?”

“Not _everyone_ wants you dead, Shinji! Instrumentality means everyone knows what happened to you, right? Most people are more understanding than you’d think. Ibuki’s just lashing out because she’s traumatized.”

“She’s lashing out because she blames me for everything that happened that day.” He had to laugh again. “And you know what? She’s not wrong.”

Asuka didn’t have an immediate response to that. And before she could even attempt to come up with one, something else caught her attention.

_The sun shining in her face._

“I’m a murderer, Asuka.”

“Don’t.”

_Her outstretched hand reaching towards the sky…_

“I deserve to be punished.”

“Don’t you dare.”

_The spear of Longinus…_

“Maybe I should’ve let her—”

 ** _“DAMMIT SHINJI!”_** she screamed, partly out of frustration, and partly out of the searing pain that now engulfed her arm.

He stopped and looked over, suddenly realizing Asuka was clutching at her arm. “Asuka?” he asked, worried. “Is it happening?”

Asuka opened her mouth to respond, but all that came out was a pained “ **F U C K.** ”

“Hey!” He got out of his sleeping bag and ran to her side, grabbing at her hand. “Deep breaths, Asuka. Deep breaths. It’s not real, it’s all in your head.”

Asuka squeezed Shinji’s hand tightly until she felt the pain subside.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m…I’m fine.”

He stared at her face, suddenly noticing something. “Asuka, are you crying?”

Tears were streaming down her face. “No,” she managed to choke.

She didn’t know why this was happening. Sure, it had hurt, but neither more nor less than it ever had before. Maybe it was humiliation at Shinji seeing her like this. Maybe it was relief that he was here. Maybe it was tinge of fear she had been holding in all day, that she had come very close to losing him.

And then Shinji did something that surprised the both of them. He put his arms around Asuka and pulled her into a hug.

Asuka was so stunned she didn’t know how to react at first. Finally she wrapped her own arms around Shinji and hugged him back.

“Let it all out,” he offered.

Asuka buried her face in his shoulder and sobbed. Even when the tears ran dry, they both held tight, refusing to let go.

“I wish things were different,” Shinji said after a while.

Asuka sniffled. “Me too,” she replied quietly.

They held on to each other for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, the two of them collapsed into the bed, still holding each other, and drifted off into sleep.

* * *

_“No…no…”_

Ritsuko jolted awake. Crap, she wasn’t supposed to sleep, that was the whole point of standing guard. She rubbed her eyes and let things come back into focus.

Immediately she realized Maya was tossing and turning in her sleep.

 _“…why do they want the EVAs…so badly?”_ she murmured.

 _She’s having a nightmare_ , Ritsuko thought to herself. “Maya?” she said aloud.

 _“No…_ NO!” Maya shouted. She began to flail around in the bed, kicking off the covers as she did so.

No, not just a nightmare. Night terrors. And pretty violent ones, by the looks of it.

Ritsuko stood up and tried to shake Maya awake. “Maya, wake up!” she said.

“NO!” Maya screamed. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” The bed rocked under her as she thrashed about.

Ritsuko toyed with the idea of letting Maya ride this one out, but she didn’t want to wake the whole house with Maya’s screaming.

Seeing no other option, Ritsuko took a deep breath before getting onto the bed and wrapping her arms around Maya, holding her in place. “Maya!” she shout-whispered. “Maya, calm down!”

Maya at first resisted to being held, but after a few seconds her movements slowed, and she relaxed into Ritsuko’s body.

For the briefest of moments, Ritsuko considered just remaining in the bed like this for the rest of the night.

However, cooler heads prevailed, and she climbed out of the bed and sat back down in her chair, quietly watching Maya until she too drifted off into sleep.

* * *

Misato stared at the half-empty beer can in her hand. She was on her 6th can tonight. Probably the last.

Why had she lied to Shinji today? Asuka was always the observant type—of course she had noticed the beer on her breath the other night. Misato held out hope that Shinji believed Asuka imagined it, but another part of her knew they were too close for Shinji to just dismiss Asuka’s opinion.

God, it made her happy that those two were getting closer. But it made all this so much harder for her.

Why had she lied? It was to protect them: they had enough problems in the world to deal with. It was her responsibility to protect them from all of that—including her own personal problems. So she was a depressed alcoholic with severe survivor’s guilt that had traumatized her as a child, which had only been retriggered by this whole situation they now found themselves in.

She chugged down the rest of the can.

So what? That wasn’t their burden, it was _hers_.

**Afraid of what’ll happen to him when other people come back?**

She finished the empty can in her hands and threw it across the room. Then she reached down, grabbed another can, popped it open, and started drinking.

She was afraid. She was very, very afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. So, I'm gonna try something here. I have a set plot and set ideas for this story, but there's a lot that's up in the air because I'm only one person writing this story that has gotten far more complicated and emotionally fraught than I could've imagined. So what kind of stories would you like to see from the post-Third Impact world? Survival scenarios, character interactions, that sort of thing? Let me know in the comments.


	14. The New Roommate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to negotiate the worst roommate contract imaginable.

Shinji opened his eyes to a mesh of red hair in his face.

At first he was too tired to really register who it belonged to. His first thought was, _There’s a lot of hair in my face and it’s making it difficult for me to breathe, so I’d like it to go away._

So he began to back away from the red hair, raising his arm to kind of brush it back as he did so. But then he felt someone whine in protest and press their face against his chest.

And then he realized that someone was Asuka, and they were still clinging to each other the next morning.

He looked over at the alarm clock. 8:04. Around time they should be eating breakfast.

But then again he didn’t hear any movement out in the kitchen, so that probably meant Misato and Ritsuko weren’t up yet.

Asuka still seemed to be sound asleep, and he didn’t want to wake her. So he settled back in and closed his eyes.

He felt the warmth of Asuka against him, and her gentle breathing. Come to think of it, this was probably the most peaceful sleep the both of them had in a very long time.

**You don’t deserve this.**

The sudden thought made him open his eyes again. He looked down at Asuka again. He thought about the very reason they were in this situation.

He let out a heavy sigh.

The sound caused Asuka to stir.

_Crap._

She tiredly looked up at him. “Oh,” she said, as if surprised to see him still there. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

They stared at each other for a moment. Finally, Asuka grunted, “Five more minutes,” before settling back into his chest.

Five more minutes couldn’t hurt. But there was no way Shinji was going back to sleep. So he settled for continuing to cradle Asuka in his arms.

**You don’t deserve any of this.**

* * *

**Episode 14: The New Roommate**

Misato put her hands on her hips disapprovingly as she stared at the snoring woman in the chair. Finally, she opened her water bottle, poured some into her hand, and splashed it on Ritsuko.

“What the—” Ritsuko sputtered awake. “What the hell was that for?!”

“You were supposed to be keeping watch,” Misato said judgmentally as she motioned to the snoring Maya Ibuki. “Sleeping isn’t watching.”

Ritsuko used her sleeve to wipe away some of the water. “Relax,” she said. “Poor girl was out like a log. You know, she has night terrors.”

“Oh.” Misato couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit of sympathy. “Well… I guess I would too,” she admitted. “But that doesn’t excuse anything!”

“Yeah, yeah. Meeting after breakfast?”

“Sounds good. I’ll keep watch, you go wake up the kids.”

“Sure thing.” Ritsuko stood up and headed for the door.

“How’d it go, otherwise?” Misato asked.

Ritsuko shrugged. “Fine, I guess.”

Misato turned back to the bed. She decided it was best not to question why she’d noticed a strand of blond hair on one of the pillows.

* * *

Shinji and Asuka were both seated at the table. Breakfast had come and gone, and now they were waiting for Misato and Ritsuko to bring Maya down.

“I still think this is all unnecessary,” Shinji said.

“Well,” Asuka replied. “As I’ve pointed out to you before, your Japanese doors don’t have actual locks on them. If they did, we could just lock her in a room and forget about her til spring. Instead, we have to tie her up.”

“We’re treating her like a prisoner. It’s not fair, especially after all she did for us.”

Asuka squinted. Were she in any other state of mind she would berate him for taking Maya’s side after she had explicitly tried to kill him. But then again Asuka wasn’t exactly one to talk. “Look,” she sighed. “Misato just doesn’t want her to hurt you again, okay? None of us do. So this is what we have to work with…”

“I guess…”

They heard some footsteps, and turned to see Misato and Ritsuko leading Maya down the hallway towards Asuka’s room.

As they walked by, Maya’s eyes focused on Shinji and she shot him an angry scowl.

“Good morning,” he said.

The scowl faltered. The last Shinji saw of her before she was led into Asuka’s room was a stunned Maya trying to comprehend what she had just heard.

“Kill her with kindness,” Asuka mused. “Sound strategy.”

“Strategy? I was just trying to be nice.”

“You would.”

After another minute or so, Misato and Ritsuko emerged. “Secured,” Misato said, closing the door behind her. She sat down in her chair. “So… let’s figure this out. What are we to do about Ms. Maya Ibuki?”

There was a brief pause as everyone looked at each other. No one was exactly clambering to make the first statement.

Finally, Shinji spoke up. “Well… we can’t just kick her out.”

Somehow it didn’t surprise anyone that he would say that. “Shinji…” Misato said.

“Look at it out there!” Shinji exclaimed. He motioned outside. The storm had stopped during the night, but there was now a 50cm layer of snow coating the entire yard. “Maybe if she’d come back during the summer or fall it would’ve been different, but… if we send her out into _that_ , where will she find shelter? Heat? Water? _Food_?”

“He’s right,” Ritsuko said. “Kicking her out is tantamount to a death sentence.”

Misato gritted her teeth. She wanted Maya as far away from the house as possible, but they had a point. “Asuka?”

“I agree with them,” Asuka said after a moment.

Misato sighed. There was no fighting this. “Okay, fine. So we allow her to stay for now. But then how do we make sure she doesn’t try to kill Shinji again?”

The question was met with silence once more as some awkward glances were made across the table.

Then Ritsuko said something that surprised everyone. “I don’t think we need to.”

Everyone looked at her.

“We had a little chat last night,” she continued. “I get the impression what happened yesterday was something that happened purely on impulse.”

“An impulse to _murder_?”

“Hear me out a second. She had just woken up from an incredibly traumatic experience, she was exhausted, she was confused, so she…” Ritsuko looked at Shinji. “…she needed an outlet.”

“An _outlet_? Give her a stress ball then, not someone’s neck!”

“Well, Shinji here knows something about that,” Asuka muttered, intentionally feeling her throat.

Shinji embarrassingly sunk into his chair.

“My point is,” Ritsuko continued. “What happened yesterday was her at her most emotionally volatile. She’s had a chance to rest, to acclimate to her environment… I mean, from our talk it doesn’t sound like she wants to kill him, she just hates his guts. No offense, Shinji.”

“No, I… I get that.”

“So what?" Misato retorted."You’re saying we just let her live here as a roommate, like everything’s fine? I’m sorry, Rits, but I don’t like that at all. I’d feel much better locking her in a room and bringing her food and water.”

Shinji felt the need to interject. “We can’t just lock up everyone who comes back from Third Impact and wants to kill me.”

Misato looked at him. “Shinji, it’s not like every—”

“You don’t know how many others there are.” He sat up a little. “Millions of people know what I did. There could be plenty of others like Lieutenant Ibuki.”

There was a silence as his point sunk in.

“What if we get her to promise not to hurt Shinji?” Ritsuko spitballed.

Misato laughed. “That is _definitely_ not enough.”

“I don’t know,” Shinji shrugged. “I trust her word.”

“Yeah, well I don’t.”

Shinji muttered under his breath. _“You’re one to talk.”_

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Misato had, in fact, heard him. But she wasn’t entirely sure what he was talking about.

Asuka, however, was, and she knew they needed to get off this topic as soon as possible. “What if we gave her a babysitter?” she said quickly.

Everyone turned to Asuka. “A _babysitter_?”

“Yeah. Someone to keep tabs on her all the time while she’s out and about, make sure she’s never alone in a room with Shinji.”

Misato thought about it. “I mean, that could hypothetically work, but that’s a lot of responsibility to give to—”

“I’ll do it.”

Misato turned to Ritsuko. “Seriously?”

“I didn’t properly prepare her yesterday,” Ritsuko said. “That should have been my job as her superior. I failed, and it caused this whole mess. That makes her actions my responsibility."

Everyone stared at her, confounded.

Ritsuko continued. "We can set her up in my room, I’ll keep an eye on her 24/7, make sure she and Shinji are never alone together, and if she tries any funny business I can restrain her.”

There was a long silence.

“I think that could work,” Shinji said.

Misato blinked. “Awfully quick to want to be her roommate, aren’t you Rits?”

“I’m serious.”

“Alright, alright. So, she lives here freely, as a roommate, but under the strict watch of Ritsuko. I think these terms are fair, don’t you all?”

* * *

“What do you mean ‘no’?!”

Maya glared up at her from the chair she was tied to. “I said what I said.”

Misato exchanged glances with Ritsuko. “Ibuki, we’re basically offering you free housing! Even after what you did yesterday, we're giving you a chance! We spent a whole-ass meeting figuring out how to get to this point!”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t exactly consult me in your meeting. I mean, why do you think I’d even want to live in the same house as _him_? I’m better off just going out on my own!”

Ritsuko shook her head. “Maya, you don’t have a choice. If yesterday’s snowstorm was any indication, we’re in for a bad winter. We have food, we have water, shelter, and power to get us through it, and as far as we know we’re the only ones who have that for miles. You’d be dead within weeks if you went out alone.” She crossed her arms. “An anti-climax, don’t you agree?”

Maya considered this.

“However,” Ritsuko continued. “Come springtime, if you wish, you are more than welcome to leave.”

“So I have to spend four months being roommates with a murderer.”

“He’s not—” Misato shut her mouth.

Maya smirked. “Can’t even deny it, can you? Just toss me in a closet and forget about me. I’d much prefer that than this nonsense.”

* * *

“Well?” Asuka asked.

“She’s not cooperating,” Misato replied. “I don’t remember her being so stubborn. I mean, I think we’re being generous, considering everything that happened yesterday!”

Ritsuko shrugged. “Look at it from her position. We’re basically asking her to live in the same household with the boy whom she blames for all of her trauma—again, no offense, Shinji.”

“No, seriously, I get it.”

“If I were Maya,” Ritsuko continued. “I would want to see as little of Shinji as possible, even if that meant solitary confinement.”

Shinji thought about this for a moment before speaking up. “Maybe I should talk to her.”

“No,” Misato replied immediately.

“If she doesn’t want to live with me, maybe I could convince—”

“Shinji, the last thing we need is her talking with you.”

“Well what if I did?” Asuka suggested.

There was a slight pause. “What makes you think that’d work?” Misato ask.

“Well… she’d rather shut herself away than deal with her problems,” Asuka surmised. “I practically patented that method.”

* * *

Maya looked a little surprised when Asuka rolled in on her wheelchair a few minutes later, followed closely by Misato. “I figured we should have a chat.”

“Asuka…”

“In the flesh.” She positioned the chair so she was facing Ibuki.

“What happened to your legs?” Maya asked. There was a whiff of concern.

Asuka looked down. “Temper tantrum,” she replied. “So, I understand you don’t want to live in the same house as Shinji. Well, as the one here who’s been living with him the longest, I’m here to allay any concerns.”

Whatever concern was on Maya’s face was replaced with a scowl. She looked away.

“I know what it must have looked like. Seeing me out there.”

That got Maya’s attention again.

Asuka pointed at the scarring around her eye. “God knows what it felt like.” She held up her arm, tracing a finger down the long scar. “Wanna see the rest?” Asuka reached down to the hem of her shirt and pulled it up.

Maya took one look at the mess of scars lining Asuka’s stomach and was immediately reminded of the most horrific image she had ever witnessed. She gagged audibly.

“Yeah.” Asuka put her shirt back down. “Thought you might react.”

Maya took a deep breath. “Why would you show me that?”

“Because every time I look in the mirror, change clothes, or just try to go about my day, I have to look at these and remember just how much pain I was put through for no reason other than I was an Eva pilot. And you know what? Everyone in this household contributed to that in some way.” She pointed at Misato. “ _She_ wouldn’t help me even when I was at my lowest. Your _senpai_ straight up helped things get to that point. Even _you_ , Ibuki—”

“Just what the hell did I do?!” Maya spat back.

Misato took a step forward. “Easy now.”

“No, I’m serious! Why the hell am I supposed to take any blame for this?! I knew _nothing_!”

“ _Nothing?_ ” Asuka laughed. “How many times did Commander Ikari give an order that you knew was wrong? Activating the dummy plug when we fought the 13th Angel? Forcing us out into the field when we weren’t ready? Hell, putting _children_ inside a bunch of robots to fight giant monsters?!”

“How was I supposed to know?!”

“ _Fuck knowing_! At any damn point, you could have said no!”

Maya was fuming now. “Why are you telling me all this?” she breathed.

Asuka smiled. “Because I don’t care. About any of it.”

Maya stared at her in surprise.

“Honest to god. I don’t give a shit what you did.” She pointed at the woman watching from the corner. “You know what happened when Misato came back? I wanted nothing to do with her! I wanted her to go away, but she refused!”

“And what, you finally relented?”

“Like hell she did,” Misato muttered.

“All she wanted to do was help me move forward,” Asuka said. “And I kept pushing her away… until I got hurt.” She sighed. “And that’s when I realized I couldn’t hold on to that anger anymore. It was holding me back.”

There was a very long silence. Maya seemed to be seriously considering this.

“What about Shinji?” she asked finally.

“What about him?”

“You’re willing to forgive Katsuragi for being negligent. You’re willing to forgive _me_ for being complacent. What about the boy who let you die out there?” She nodded in Asuka’s general direction. “The reason those scars are on your body?”

Asuka gritted her teeth. “He’s not the _only_ reason.”

“He might as well be. It’s only one in his long list of sins.”

Asuka thought about her response.

Maya prodded. “How can you forgive him for what he did to you at the hospital?”

**Oh no.**

“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” Misato said quickly.

“Why not? Everything’s on the table after Instrumentality.” Maya looked back at Asuka and leaned forward. “He jerked himself off over your naked, unconscious body, how can you just _forgive_ him for that?”

Asuka closed her eyes and gripped the handles of her wheelchair. She hated being reminded of that moment. Of the many things Shinji had done to hurt her, it was one she still tried to avoid thinking about.

Misato looked at her, concerned. “Asuka? You don’t have to answer that.”

Finally, Asuka opened her eyes. “I _haven’t_ forgiven him,” she said bluntly. “I haven’t forgiven anyone. In fact, as far as Shinji’s concerned, there are still a lot of things that happened between us that make my blood boil.”

“So you _do_ get it.”

Asuka looked over at the bed. She remembered waking up in Shinji’s arms that morning, and how at peace she’d felt in that moment. “But what I’ve learned,” she continued. “Is that anger isn’t productive. It’s better to move on from the past than dwell on it.”

Maya squinted. “Easy for you to say.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’m saying,” Maya sneered. “That you have _other reasons_ for wanting to move on from hating him.”

“I’m…”

“Don’t try to deny it. It was obvious long before Third Impact. Who knows what you two have been up to since you got back?”

The implication hung in the air.

Asuka felt a twinge of anger. Why did they have to use _her_ room to hold Ibuki? This was her private space, a space she could let people in on her own terms. Having Ibuki here, and calling her out like this, felt like a violation of her space.

“…so what?” Asuka asked finally, glaring back at Maya. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“You’re so happy to live and let live because you want to do other things with him,” Maya replied. “It’s why you’re able to forget your anger. I don’t have any of that.”

Asuka looked to Misato for help, but the older woman could only give a helpless shrug.

Finally, “We’re _trying_ to help you,” Asuka said through gritted teeth.

“Well clearly I don’t want your help.” She turned her head to look out the window. “Sorry about your leg,” she added with a mutter, and that was that.

* * *

Ritsuko watched as Asuka and Misato emerged. “I take it that didn’t go well.”

“Not by a long shot,” Misato nodded.

Shinji noticed Asuka looked particularly miffed. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she muttered. It wasn’t fair, she thought to herself. The whole reason she and Shinji hadn’t done much this whole time was specifically because they weren’t able to move on from the past. What happened last night was practically a milestone, and that was just hugging.

“Well, she’s clearly not budging on this,” Misato said. “So what do we do?”

“I want to talk to her,” Shinji said.

Misato looked up. “Shinji, that’s not going to—”

“Who else is left?” he interrupted. “Maybe if she hears me out, she’ll change her mind.”

“Shinji, the last thing we want to do is—”

“I think it’s a good idea,” Ritsuko said.

Misato stared at her in shock. “Are you kidding me?”

“She’s tied up, Katsuragi. She’s not going anywhere. Maybe it’ll help to try to get them on the same page.”

“I think it makes sense,” Asuka said after a moment.

Misato looked between the three of them, dumbfounded. “No,” she said. “No, no, _no_ , _absolutely NOT_.”

* * *

**A Long Time Coming**

Maya was starting to get a little impatient.

What was so hard about locking her away somewhere and forgetting about her? Why would they try to force her to be his _roommate_ of all things?

She didn’t understand it at all.

She heard the door open and looked up to see Misato re-entering the room.

And then her blood ran cold when she saw who was following her. “No,” she said. “ _No_. Nonononono.”

Misato chuckled. “For once we’re on the same page.”

“I just want to talk,” Shinji said.

“You stay away from me! Go away!”

“Huh,” Misato observed. ‘You’re singing a different tune from yesterday.”

“Misato.” Shinji took a deep breath. “I’ve got this.”

“You’re sure?”

“I am.”

“Well, I’ll be right here if you need anything.” She parked herself in a corner of the room once again.

Maya looked at her, before looking at Shinji.

“Don’t come any closer,” she said.

“I won’t.”

“If you come any closer I’ll—” She stopped.

“You’ll... what, exactly?”

Maya slouched in her chair. “Don’t mock me.”

“I’m not.” Shinji grabbed a chair and sat down across from Maya. “I just want to hear you out.”

“I’ve said what I wanted to say,” Maya replied. “I don’t want anything to do with you, and if that means I’m tied up and locked away for the next several months, I’ll take it.”

“We’re not tying you up and locking you away,” Shinji said, glancing at Misato, who gave a reluctant nod. “I… made them promise not to do that.”

Maya squinted. “Why would you do that? How do you know I’m not gonna try to kill you the first chance I get?”

Misato’s expression darkened, but she was stopped by Shinji turning to her.

“I’ve got this,” he repeated.

Misato looked like she wanted to say something, but she returned to leaning against the wall.

Shinji waited for a moment before turning back to Maya. “Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Are you going to try to kill me at the first chance you get?”

Maya didn’t answer right away. She seemed to be thinking. “That’s assuming you actually untie me,” she pointed out. “And I told you, I’d rather be tied up and locked away than live with the likes of you.”

Shinji stared at her. “Why do you hate me so much?”

Maya looked at him in disbelief. “You know why.”

“Just… I want to hear _you_ say it.”

Maya groaned. “Fine. You cowered inside NERV while the rest of us were getting massacred. You made no effort to help Asuka when she was getting torn to pieces by the Mass Production Evas. You let hundreds of people die because you were too sick of the world to do anything. And when you were given the power to save us all—”

Misato had had enough. “That was out of his control!” she shouted.

“He made the choice!”

“He was manipulated into doing it, how hard is it for you to—”

 **“MISATO!”** Shinji looked up at her, frustrated. “Could you leave?”

_“What?”_

“I want to talk with her alone!”

Misato couldn’t believe her ears. “Shinji, I’m not leaving you alone with—”

“She’s tied up! What’s she gonna do, kick me?”

Misato’s eyes darted between the two before finally settling on Maya. “I swear to god, if I so much as suspect something, I’ll—” She hesitated. “Just… don’t make this harder on us!” And she stormed out of the room.

Maya stared at the door. “Ballsy move,” she muttered. “But her being gone isn’t going to change anything.”

Shinji stared at her. _“I’m sorry.”_

“What?”

“I’m sorry. For everything I did. For abandoning the world when I was supposed to save it. For letting you and your coworkers die. I really am sorry.”

Maya laughed incredulously. “You’re _sorry_? Do you seriously think that’s gonna make things better, just an apology?”

Shinji took a deep breath. He didn't. “So then what _will_ make things better?”

“What?”

“What’ll make this better for you? What can I do, Ibuki? What could I possibly do that would make any of this better?”

Maya was silent. Shinji had a suspicion she genuinely didn’t know how to respond.

"What can I do?" he repeated.

"Nothing!" Maya finally shouted. "There's nothing, Shinji," she sighed.

The room went quiet, Shinji wondering what he could say next, and Maya looking miserable.

“You know,” he said after a while. “When I came back, I remember just lying on the beach for a long time. I was exhausted. I’d just experienced the hearts and minds of the entire world at once, and I just needed the time to process it all. I must have laid there for hours, just staring up at the sky, at the blood of Lilith stretching across it, staining the moon.”

He checked. It seemed that Maya was listening.

“After a while I was hungry. So I got up and started looking around for food. Eventually I found this house—the door was locked, so I started looking for another way in, and then I noticed they had a greenhouse. So I went in there, and the first thing I saw were a bunch of tomatoes. They were pretty overripe—they tasted awful, but I needed something in my stomach, so I scarfed down a few. Then I found a rock, and I used it to bash the lock open on the front door. I found a bed, and I slept.” He pointed over to the bed. “That one over there.”

Maya looked at the bed, then back at Shinji.

“The next day, I went back to the greenhouse, and I noticed the plants were looking a little thirsty, so I got water from the well and gave some to the plants. Then I went back out to the beach and I waited.”

“Waited for who?”

“Just…people. My mother showed me that anyone could return from Instrumentality so long as they had the will to be an individual. So I sat there and waited for someone to show up. Anyone.” He let out a sigh. “Every day for months, I went out to the beach and I waited. I tried keeping the house tidy, in case someone came back and needed shelter.”

Silence.

“That’s when the nightmares started. Of what would happen when people came back. How would they treat me when they returned? I dreamed about my friends from school. I dreamed about the other EVA pilots. Mostly I dreamed about Asuka. She was the worst one in the dreams, because I hurt her the most. I dreaded what she would do when she returned. I worried about that for months, I stopped going out to the beach, I just stayed in my room and lost track of the days.” He gave a hopeful smile. “But then I thought, ‘Better to see someone who hates me than be alone for much longer.’ So I went back and waited.”

“And then she showed up?”

He shook his head. “No. I kept waiting, but there was nothing. No Asuka, nobody. After a while… I started to lose my mind from the loneliness. I heard voices… whispers in the wind, telling me this was my punishment. That I deserved to be alone after everything I’d done.” He shrugged. “It seems insane now, but… I was sort of okay with that. So I gave up. I figured it was time to move on. I found some old wood and I erected gravestones for everyone I knew. My friends, my family… everyone at NERV… even you, Ms. Ibuki.” He paused for a moment. “And that was it. Until Asuka showed up one day.”

"Happily ever after," Maya muttered sarcastically.

"I tried to kill her."

That got her attention again. _"What?"_

"I don't really know why. Maybe I thought she was a hallucination, that I'd finally lost it. But another part of me saw her and thought, 'This is her fault. I'm like this because of her.'" He unconsciously touched his cheek. "But then she reached out to me... she just caressed my cheek. She actually tried to reach out to me for the first time, after pushing me away for so long." He stared at his hands. "And that's when I realized it wasn't her fault. It was mine."

Maya shifted in her chair. “What the hell is all this for? Are you trying to make me feel sorry for you?”

Again, Shinji ignored her. “After Asuka came back, Misato followed. And then Ritsuko. It wasn’t easy, at first, because Asuka didn’t trust Misato, and then Misato didn’t trust Ritsuko, and I kind of got caught in the middle of all that. But things got better after a little bit. We kind of settled into a routine. And there are problems, god I know there are problems, but… for a little while, I tricked myself into thinking I wouldn’t have to face any consequences for…” He hesitated. “…for ending the world.” He looked up. “Until you showed up yesterday.”

There was a long silence.

And that was when it hit Maya. “You _want_ me to kill you.”

“No,” he said quickly. “I went through too much to realize I want to live. Besides,” he glanced at the door. “If I died, there are people here who would be really hurt. But still…

“…you think you deserve it.”

He nodded. “That day at NERV… I was too miserable to do anything when the JSSDF attacked. All those people at NERV who were just doing their job, their blood is on my hands. Misato’s blood is on my hands. Asuka’s blood is on my hands.” He paused for a moment. “Yours too, Ibuki.”

Maya didn’t disagree, and yet… “… but they're alive now.”

“That doesn’t change anything! At least Asuka tried to hold me accountable at first! Misato keeps babying me, telling me things weren’t my fault, that I shouldn’t feel responsible for everything that happened, as if that’d help! She can barely take care of herself, why is she acting like she has to coddle me all the time?! There’s still the millions of people who just vanished, who had their lives ripped away because I let Third Impact happen, including you, Ibuki! I have to answer for that, don’t I?!” He took a deep breath. “I mean, maybe you’re my punishment, for everything I did.”

“I’m…” She blinked. This wasn’t how she had pictured this going. “I’m not—”

“I’ve spent months tricking myself into thinking I could be happy again,” he continued. “But maybe that’s impossible.”

Maya said nothing in response. She couldn’t say he was wrong, but she couldn’t say he was right either.

Finally, Shinji stood up. Wordlessly, he walked behind Maya’s chair and began undoing her ropes.

“What—what the hell are you doing?”

He didn’t answer. After a moment the bindings fell to the floor, and Shinji stood before Maya.

“If this is the only thing that’ll make things better,” he said. “Then I won’t stop you.” He closed his eyes and prepared for the worst.

Maya stared up at him for a very long time.

Shinji kept his eyes closed, awaiting Maya’s next move.

“You’re a child.”

He opened his eyes, surprised.

“That’s all you are, isn’t it?” Maya was looking away. “You’re not a murderer. You don’t even come close to one. You’re just a scared little boy who didn’t know better.” She put both her hands to her face and leaned forward in her chair. “God… and I was going to—” She looked up. “Sit back down, Shinji, I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You’re…you’re not?” he asked stupidly.

 _“No,”_ she insisted. “Just…go back to your chair. I need to think.”

After a moment, Shinji did as he was told.

“Goddammit,” Maya muttered. She looked up. “Shinji, I’m gonna do you a favor. I’m not going to tell you everything’s okay.”

“Oh,” was all he could come up with.

“But I’m also not going to tell you everything’s your fault.” She sighed. “It really was out of your control.”

Shinji stared at her. “But… you said that didn’t matter five minutes ago.”

Maya snorted. “Five minutes ago I didn’t realize who I was talking to. Call them back in.”

“What?”

“Katsuragi and Ritsuko. Call them back in.”

Shinji blinked.

Growing impatient, Maya turned to the door. “I’m ready to talk now!” she called out.

The door opened and Misato and Ritsuko walked in. “Well?” Ritsuko asked.

Maya took a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I’ll… be your roommate," she said reluctantly. "And I promise not to hurt Shinji again.”

Shinji kept staring at her, completely bewildered at how this conversation had gone.

“I’m glad to hear it,” Ritsuko said with relief. “Well, if there are no more questions—”

“Actually, I have one,” Misato interrupted. “Just out of curiosity… **_WHY IS SHE UNTIED?”_**

* * *

Shinji watched the discussion going on at the dinner table. From the couch, he could see Misato at the head of the table, laying out every single thing Maya could and could not do in the house. Maya simply nodded every once and a while, while Ritsuko sat next to her, occasionally reacting to some of Misato’s more ridiculous requests but otherwise keeping silent.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Asuka remarked. She was busy watching the TV and mostly ignoring the discussion.

“What did?” Shinji asked.

“Just talking to her. It was a gamble, but I can’t believe of all things just talking to you got her to agree.”

Shinji shrugged. “I guess she saw how miserable I was and decided she didn’t have it so bad.” He laughed a bit at his own joke.

Asuka didn’t laugh. She turned and stared at Shinji, seemingly puzzled. “What the hell did you say to her?”

Before Shinji could answer, they heard the sound of chairs moving and looked to see everyone was standing up.

“Roommates?” Maya asked, holding out her hand towards Misato.

Misato hesitated for a moment before taking it. “Roommates,” she agreed.

And with that, they shook hands.

Misato remained where she stood, watching Maya and Ritsuko head up the stairs so they could get the sleeping situation sorted. Once they were gone, she let out a sigh before walking over to the couch. “I can’t remember the last time I negotiated a roommate contract like _that_ ,” she groaned.

“You did what you had to,” Asuka said.

“Thanks, Asuka." She turned to Shinji. "Could we talk for a minute?”

“Sure.” He turned off the television.

“Shinji, why did you untie her?”

Silence.

He really, _really_ did not want to answer this question.

“It doesn’t matter,” he said finally.

“It _doesn’t matter?_ Shinji, you could have gotten hurt!”

“But I didn’t.” He shrugged. “So, I guess everything’s fine.”

Misato couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “No, Shinji, everything’s _not_ fine! How could you have known she wouldn’t try to hurt you the moment you let her go?”

He didn’t want to have this conversation. “… well she didn’t hurt me, so I don’t see why you have to be so concerned!”

Misato didn’t like where this was going. “Shinji, you knowingly put yourself at risk, that’s _not_ okay. Do you understand?”

Shinji muttered something under his breath.

“What was that?”

 _“I said I’m not a child!”_ Shinji said loudly. “Stop treating me like one!” He stood up and left the couch.

“Hey! Shinji, I’m not done talking with you!” Misato spoke up.

But Shinji ignored her as he made beeline for the stairs.

**_“SHINJI!”_ **

His name came out of her mouth as a command, one delivered so strongly that out of sheer instinct Shinji froze in place.

“Turn around and face me this instant!”

Slowly but surely, he turned around as Misato approached him.

“Don’t _ever_ disobey me like that again,” she said firmly.

Shinji felt a twinge of fury bubbling in his stomach. How dare she yell at him like this? It wasn’t like she was actually his—

As he opened his mouth to say just what was on his mind, his eyes caught sight of Asuka in the background. She had a worried expression on her face, and he saw her mouth a single word. _Don’t_.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes ma’am.”

“Good.” She reached out and gently put her hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry I raised my voice, but I need to be sure you understand.”

“I do,” he muttered.

“Okay.” She gave him one last pat on the shoulder before heading up the stairs.

Shinji stood there, silently fuming. Was he not the one who solved this whole mess in the first place? Sure, it had been risky, but in the end he’d succeeded where Misato, Ritsuko, and Asuka had all failed. It wasn’t fair.

“You were going to let Ibuki kill you.”

He looked down in surprise. Asuka had followed him from the living room and was now staring up at him in disbelief.

“I told her she was entitled to her anger,” he said. “And… she could do what she wanted to make her feel better.”

“By killing you.” Asuka stared hard at him.

Shinji looked at the floor. “I’m sick of people lying to me,” he muttered. “That everything’s okay, that none of it was my fault. I know what I did, and she knew what I deserved.” He fumed. “But she took one look at me and all she saw was some little kid. Why does everyone in this house pretend that what happened wasn’t my fault? Misato? Ritsuko? Even you, Asuka, why do you—”

_“Shut up.”_

“—pretend…that…what?”

“Don’t say another goddamn word. Or I’ll slap you so hard it’ll trigger a Fourth Impact.”

He stared at her. Even sitting down, Asuka intimidated him.

“How I feel,” she said quietly, barely holding in the rage she felt. “How I treat you, after everything _you_ did to _me_ —is none of your fucking business. I’ll deal with that on my own terms, thank you.” She gripped the wheels on her wheelchair and pushed herself over to her room.

Shinji watched her go. “Why did you let me sleep in your bed last night?” he asked.

Asuka stopped. She turned her head to face him.

“Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to.”

And she shut the door behind her.

Shinji remained where he stood, staring at the door.

He _did_ know why. He knew why she did everything. Why she’d given him a blanket on the second night after she returned. Why she’d used every excuse in the book to sleep next to him that first week when Misato came back. Why she was putting all of this effort into getting close to him. Hell, he knew precisely what must have been going through her head when she woke up, saw him in bed with her, and requested five more minutes.

He wasn’t stupid. He knew exactly what she wanted from him.

What he didn’t, or rather couldn’t, understand was why she would want any of that after everything he’d done to her.

**You don’t deserve to be happy.**

He sat down at the table, and put his face in his hands.

**You don’t deserve her.**

He failed to notice the door to Asuka’s room open slightly, and a pair of cobalt blue eyes silently watching him.

* * *

“So this’ll be your bed,” Ritsuko said. “It’s pretty spacious, and the mattress isn’t too bad.”

Maya looked around. “Where will you sleep?”

“Uh… futon probably. We’ve got some downstairs, I’ll probably set it up later.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to kick you out of your own bed.”

“It’s fine, Maya. I mean, you’re probably not staying past March, might as well sleep comfortably til then.”

Maya looked at the bed, then at Ritsuko. “What about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“How long are you going to be here for?”

Ritsuko thought about her answer. “As long as I’m needed,” she said. “Until Asuka’s legs heal or until we get an answer on that goddamn radio. Whichever comes first.” She thought for another second. “Well, probably the former, really.”

Maya chuckled slightly. “Yeah.”

Ritsuko took a deep breath. “I’m glad you decided to stay.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice.”

“I know, but… I’m glad you gave Shinji a chance. And…” Ritsuko looked away. “We should probably have a chat at some point. About… well, you know.”

Maya sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, we should.”

They were silent.

“I would keep an eye on him if I were you,” Maya said suddenly.

Ritsuko looked at her, confused. “Why do you say that?”

“He’s holding in a lot of pain.”

“Oh, big whoop, it doesn’t take a genius to see that.”

“No, but I mean…” She paused. “…he’s had a lot of time alone. He’s had a chance for more self-reflection than anyone else here. Most of the things he thinks about himself came from his period of isolation.”

“So?”

“Someone needs to tell him that he’s wrong.” She looked past Ritsuko. “Because if you don’t, you’ll be back where you started.”

Ritsuko turned to see Misato standing in the doorway. Clearly she had heard everything.

“That’s not as easy as you think,” Misato replied.

“I didn’t say anything about it being easy.”


End file.
